Personal Statment

[Salli]

Hello Dave~

Can you assist me in critiquing my personal statement, please? Such as, is it laid out correctly, seem to be in order, grammar, topics, and anything else that comes to your mind.

If ten, five, or even two years ago, someone was to have told me that I would be applying to the University School of Law (U), I would have said, “You are insane!”. Well, our lives sure can take us down paths that we never mapped out for ourselves.

About a month ago, I was sitting in a meeting when a person in the meeting made the statement, “There is such a high demand for Native American lawyers to practice in Indian Country.”. There was something about this statement that made me realize, “I” could be a lawyer. That thought hit my core, my soul. Wow, an epiphany! I started thinking about the necessity, importance, demand, my ability, my dedication, my skills, the passion I have, and my life experiences, all in just under five seconds. I became so excited, I almost could not contain myself to stay seated. I wanted to jump right out of my seat; it felt like a fire inside me had been lit. My palms started tingling, my breathing became heavy and short, my ears were getting hot, my body temperature felt like it was rising, and I could feel the paralyzing stare I was in.

I thought to myself, Ok, I am currently managing a grant that is to improve services for tribal dependency cases. I can relate to the dependency cases on so many levels. Because I can relate to families in dependency situations, I could be one of the finest parent advocates for the tribal communities I live and work-in. Actually, I would be an outstanding parent advocate. After all, I would have a deep and pure passion for the work I would be doing. I have overcome many of obstacles in my life; similar obstacles these families are facing right now. I was a single parent and have overcome poverty by working hard to get myself off of welfare and furthering my education. I have survived and overcame being the victim of a domestic violence relationship. I know what it’s like to have child protection services looking into my life and the shame that comes with it. Most importantly, I know what it is like to struggle and overcome addiction.

Alcohol addiction was the greatest struggle I have ever had to overcome. Addiction consumed my life, my spirit, destroyed relationships, and made me an absent parent; even though, I was present. I was a functioning alcoholic; I was able to work full-time and go to school full-time while raising my young children. So many of my friends and co-workers had no idea I was struggling with alcohol addiction. I fought this disease with all I had and am now in recovery. I will be in recovery my entire life, but a sober life is so good. I could never have overcome this addiction without the support of my husband, family, friends, co-workers, employer, community services, and my program. I have a happy and health family and my children are thriving. Addiction touches so many lives in negative ways. If it has not affected you, then usually it has effected a person in your family, a friend by the very least.

I am a 45-year-old Tribal Member who is a wife, a mother of three boys, and the grandmother of two very sweet grandchildren. I have spent most of my career in Tribal gaming, and now I am a Project Coordinator that manages a grant to improve services in dependency cases. To me, being a parent advocate means I will be able to protect their rights, strive for reunification, inspire parents to improve their circumstance, encouraging them to tap into resources, and to put all they have into a recovery program, so they can sustain a healthy and sober life with their children by their side. I would work hard in tribal communities and make a positive impact representing the profession of lawyers. I want to make the U proud that I am one of their Alumni’s.

My family and I understand the time and dedication I will have to put into the successful completion of law school. I know the challenging classes that wait ahead and the long nights studying to accomplish strong grades, especially based on bell curve grading. I deserve this chance as a law student at the U. My life is an example of what it is like to have some of the most extreme obstacles put in front of a person and what it is like to have the courage and strength to overcome them.

The U is the perfect law school for me because it has a strong and focused LLM Tribal Law & Government graduate law degree I can enter into after the completion of my juris doctor degree. The U has a part-time Externship and Government Coursework Track in the State Administrative and Regulatory Law and Policy that has my interest since my background has been in regulations, seems like a perfect match. Also, it would be an honor to have the opportunity to be part of the U’s Legal Writing Program with professors who have received the Burton Award, the Mary Lawrence Award, and the Thomas M. Holdych Award. Another program the U offers me is the opportunity to compete in regional and in-house competitions which will strengthen my abilities prior to entering the field. I have to admit, I am really excited and hope I can get accepted into the Academic Resource Center (RAC). All of the stories I have read and video’s I have seen about the RAC program have inspired me to be part of that program. I want to positively represent the U in Tribal Communities and to be a RAC Alumni who will break barriers.

[Dave Killoran]

Hello Dave~

Can you assist me in critiquing my personal statement, please? Such as, is it laid out correctly, seem to be in order, grammar, topics, and anything else that comes to your mind.

If ten, five, or even two years ago, someone was to have told me that I would be applying to the University School of Law (U), I would have said, “You are insane!”. Well, our lives sure can take us down paths that we never mapped out for ourselves.

About a month ago, I was sitting in a meeting when a person in the meeting made the statement, “There is such a high demand for Native American lawyers to practice in Indian Country.”. There was something about this statement that made me realize, “I” could be a lawyer. That thought hit my core, my soul. Wow, an epiphany! I started thinking about the necessity, importance, demand, my ability, my dedication, my skills, the passion I have, and my life experiences, all in just under five seconds. I became so excited, I almost could not contain myself to stay seated. I wanted to jump right out of my seat; it felt like a fire inside me had been lit. My palms started tingling, my breathing became heavy and short, my ears were getting hot, my body temperature felt like it was rising, and I could feel the paralyzing stare I was in.

I thought to myself, Ok, I am currently managing a grant that is to improve services for tribal dependency cases. I can relate to the dependency cases on so many levels. Because I can relate to families in dependency situations, I could be one of the finest parent advocates for the tribal communities I live and work-in. Actually, I would be an outstanding parent advocate. After all, I would have a deep and pure passion for the work I would be doing. I have overcome many of obstacles in my life; similar obstacles these families are facing right now. I was a single parent and have overcome poverty by working hard to get myself off of welfare and furthering my education. I have survived and overcame being the victim of a domestic violence relationship. I know what it’s like to have child protection services looking into my life and the shame that comes with it. Most importantly, I know what it is like to struggle and overcome addiction.

Alcohol addiction was the greatest struggle I have ever had to overcome. Addiction consumed my life, my spirit, destroyed relationships, and made me an absent parent; even though, I was present. I was a functioning alcoholic; I was able to work full-time and go to school full-time while raising my young children. So many of my friends and co-workers had no idea I was struggling with alcohol addiction. I fought this disease with all I had and am now in recovery. I will be in recovery my entire life, but a sober life is so good. I could never have overcome this addiction without the support of my husband, family, friends, co-workers, employer, community services, and my program. I have a happy and health family and my children are thriving. Addiction touches so many lives in negative ways. If it has not affected you, then usually it has effected a person in your family, a friend by the very least.

I am a 45-year-old Tribal Member who is a wife, a mother of three boys, and the grandmother of two very sweet grandchildren. I have spent most of my career in Tribal gaming, and now I am a Project Coordinator that manages a grant to improve services in dependency cases. To me, being a parent advocate means I will be able to protect their rights, strive for reunification, inspire parents to improve their circumstance, encouraging them to tap into resources, and to put all they have into a recovery program, so they can sustain a healthy and sober life with their children by their side. I would work hard in tribal communities and make a positive impact representing the profession of lawyers. I want to make the U proud that I am one of their Alumni’s.

My family and I understand the time and dedication I will have to put into the successful completion of law school. I know the challenging classes that wait ahead and the long nights studying to accomplish strong grades, especially based on bell curve grading. I deserve this chance as a law student at the U. My life is an example of what it is like to have some of the most extreme obstacles put in front of a person and what it is like to have the courage and strength to overcome them.

The U is the perfect law school for me because it has a strong and focused LLM Tribal Law & Government graduate law degree I can enter into after the completion of my juris doctor degree. The U has a part-time Externship and Government Coursework Track in the State Administrative and Regulatory Law and Policy that has my interest since my background has been in regulations, seems like a perfect match. Also, it would be an honor to have the opportunity to be part of the U’s Legal Writing Program with professors who have received the Burton Award, the Mary Lawrence Award, and the Thomas M. Holdych Award. Another program the U offers me is the opportunity to compete in regional and in-house competitions which will strengthen my abilities prior to entering the field. I have to admit, I am really excited and hope I can get accepted into the Academic Resource Center (RAC). All of the stories I have read and video’s I have seen about the RAC program have inspired me to be part of that program. I want to positively represent the U in Tribal Communities and to be a RAC Alumni who will break barriers.

Hi Salli,

Thanks for posting your essay! A few thoughts for you:

Delete the first paragraph. It doesn't add anything about you to the discussion, and the beginning of the second paragraph is more interesting. Also, there's an extra period after the exclamation point.

Second paragraph: I see redundancy creeping in, so go through the essay again with a fine-tooth comb. Make sure every word is necessary. For example, in the first sentence, you could lose the section I struck through: "About a month ago, I was sitting in a meeting when a person in the meeting made the statement, “There is... " (again, you have an extra period that can be deleted after the close quote. You also have a contradiction of sorts in the paragraph, where you go from "I became so excited, I almost could not contain myself to stay seated. I wanted to jump right out of my seat" to "I could feel the paralyzing stare I was in." I get what you mean, but what you have said isn't that and this needs to be changed. You've also written "stare" instead of "state," and so this doesn't feel like it has been closely proofread, which concerns me since I typically only have a chance to read one essay from each student, and thus I really prefer to read something that is as close to final as possible. With that in mind, do you want me to keep reading this version, or would you like the chance to go through it again? I'm going to pause here, and give you the opportunity to make changes and further proof this, but if you'd prefer this is the draft I read, then just let me know!

Thanks!