- PowerScore Staff
- Posts: 220
- Joined: May 15, 2013
- Thu Nov 07, 2013 3:02 pm
#12350
Hi, Raj! It's great to see that you're putting so much work into this essay. That kind of perseverance will take you a long way. This is my first time nudging into this thread, but I thought your effort deserved as much input as you care to consider.
If you haven't already done so, I recommend that you check out this video on personal statements available in the free help section of www.powerscore.com. Sometimes its good to remind yourself of the fundamentals. It's clear that you are very earnest and are a hard worker. I can tell from the prior posts that Dave, Jon, Nikki and Steve are invested in your success, and that tells me that you are able to connect with people on a personal level. That's a fantastic skill, but I don't see much of that coming through your personal statement.
When you write a personal statement, the purpose is to connect with the reader. As someone coming to your personal statement cold, with no prior connection to you, I don't get the sense that I'm meeting the real you. I could be wrong about that, but the perception itself is something you want to avoid. Part of the problem is that some of your statements raise more questions than answers. I've put some notes down about each paragraph. As you read my notes, realize that these are the questions and thoughts that occurred to me as I read your words. I'm reacting to the words and how they work together, not to you personally.
Para 1-3:
How old were you at the time of this event? It appears you were of school age, but how old? There's a big difference between this story concerning a boy of 5 or 6 and a boy of 10 or 11. Also, why did you feel you had to build a replica of the Empire State Building? What that your idea, or your parents'? If it was your parents' idea, that's a very different story. Were you permitted to ask for help, or was it part of the event that you be given no guidance? Those are important differences.
But further, why are you telling this story? Is it about the cultural heritage, your sense of being able to rely only on your own effort and abilities, the response of your parents and their guests? Multiple messages, some positive and some negative, emerge from this narrative. Perhaps that is why none of them truly resonated with me. Ask yourself, what is it about these three paragraphs that should cause an admissions official to say, "this guy could contribute to our community, because..." Clarify what you want that message to be, and then use your words to help the reader to fill in that blank for themselves.
Para 4:
I take from this paragraph that during your high school years you created more than one business, and that each business was a success, resulting in your earning multiple rewards? Were these actual businesses? How did you manage to do that on your own as a teenager, given the legal limitations on contracting with people younger than 18? If they were actual businesses, licensed, tax-paying, etc., then that is an awesome set of facts that you could parlay into helping show the creativity, drive, perseverance, etc. that law schools look for. If they were not actual businesses, then you are overstating your case, and that may be received poorly.
Para 5 - 6:
As a reader, I was surprised when you said that in college you and your friends set out to make a better sneaker, not to make money, but to have a product that could help people. I was surprised, because the prior paragraphs talked about your entrepreneurial drive to create your own company using your personal experience as your guide. For most people, the point of starting a business is to make money. Those who are interested in simply helping others form charitable organizations. In fact, you later describe this venture as entrepreneurial, when you say that your parents' reaction strengthened your interest in showing you were capable of being successful in the entrepreneurial arena.
Additionally, these paragraphs made me wonder what made your friends so passionate about podiatry? That is an usual passion for college students. And, it must have been a passion, because your group conducted months of research, and even interviewed several top podiatrists. So, the facts you state seem to contradict the idea that your shoe idea was not about making money. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against making money. But your statements appear internally contradictory.
Ultimately, you truly seem to be driven, resilient and dedicated to succeeding in whatever you set out to accomplish. That kind of passion can be an asset to any organization. I feel like those key qualities I sense in you don't shine through in your statement. There is too much that distracts from your good qualities by raising unanswered questions and evoking conflicting emotions (e.g., the recurring conflict between you and your parents). That you are working so hard on this statement tells me you have the qualities I just mentioned.
Isn't there just one event, perhaps a single experience you've had, that you could describe in a way that shows these qualities, or whichever qualities you choose to highlight? In my opinion, your success in any of the situations you mentioned isn't even relevant. The personal statement isn't about awards or tangible indicators of success. From what little I've seen of you, what has impressed me most is your drive, your passion, your work ethic, and your ability to cobble together a group to accomplish your objectives. Let those things shine through, and you won't have to tell the law schools why they want you, they'll know.
If you haven't already done so, I recommend that you check out this video on personal statements available in the free help section of www.powerscore.com. Sometimes its good to remind yourself of the fundamentals. It's clear that you are very earnest and are a hard worker. I can tell from the prior posts that Dave, Jon, Nikki and Steve are invested in your success, and that tells me that you are able to connect with people on a personal level. That's a fantastic skill, but I don't see much of that coming through your personal statement.
When you write a personal statement, the purpose is to connect with the reader. As someone coming to your personal statement cold, with no prior connection to you, I don't get the sense that I'm meeting the real you. I could be wrong about that, but the perception itself is something you want to avoid. Part of the problem is that some of your statements raise more questions than answers. I've put some notes down about each paragraph. As you read my notes, realize that these are the questions and thoughts that occurred to me as I read your words. I'm reacting to the words and how they work together, not to you personally.
Para 1-3:
How old were you at the time of this event? It appears you were of school age, but how old? There's a big difference between this story concerning a boy of 5 or 6 and a boy of 10 or 11. Also, why did you feel you had to build a replica of the Empire State Building? What that your idea, or your parents'? If it was your parents' idea, that's a very different story. Were you permitted to ask for help, or was it part of the event that you be given no guidance? Those are important differences.
But further, why are you telling this story? Is it about the cultural heritage, your sense of being able to rely only on your own effort and abilities, the response of your parents and their guests? Multiple messages, some positive and some negative, emerge from this narrative. Perhaps that is why none of them truly resonated with me. Ask yourself, what is it about these three paragraphs that should cause an admissions official to say, "this guy could contribute to our community, because..." Clarify what you want that message to be, and then use your words to help the reader to fill in that blank for themselves.
Para 4:
I take from this paragraph that during your high school years you created more than one business, and that each business was a success, resulting in your earning multiple rewards? Were these actual businesses? How did you manage to do that on your own as a teenager, given the legal limitations on contracting with people younger than 18? If they were actual businesses, licensed, tax-paying, etc., then that is an awesome set of facts that you could parlay into helping show the creativity, drive, perseverance, etc. that law schools look for. If they were not actual businesses, then you are overstating your case, and that may be received poorly.
Para 5 - 6:
As a reader, I was surprised when you said that in college you and your friends set out to make a better sneaker, not to make money, but to have a product that could help people. I was surprised, because the prior paragraphs talked about your entrepreneurial drive to create your own company using your personal experience as your guide. For most people, the point of starting a business is to make money. Those who are interested in simply helping others form charitable organizations. In fact, you later describe this venture as entrepreneurial, when you say that your parents' reaction strengthened your interest in showing you were capable of being successful in the entrepreneurial arena.
Additionally, these paragraphs made me wonder what made your friends so passionate about podiatry? That is an usual passion for college students. And, it must have been a passion, because your group conducted months of research, and even interviewed several top podiatrists. So, the facts you state seem to contradict the idea that your shoe idea was not about making money. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against making money. But your statements appear internally contradictory.
Ultimately, you truly seem to be driven, resilient and dedicated to succeeding in whatever you set out to accomplish. That kind of passion can be an asset to any organization. I feel like those key qualities I sense in you don't shine through in your statement. There is too much that distracts from your good qualities by raising unanswered questions and evoking conflicting emotions (e.g., the recurring conflict between you and your parents). That you are working so hard on this statement tells me you have the qualities I just mentioned.
Isn't there just one event, perhaps a single experience you've had, that you could describe in a way that shows these qualities, or whichever qualities you choose to highlight? In my opinion, your success in any of the situations you mentioned isn't even relevant. The personal statement isn't about awards or tangible indicators of success. From what little I've seen of you, what has impressed me most is your drive, your passion, your work ethic, and your ability to cobble together a group to accomplish your objectives. Let those things shine through, and you won't have to tell the law schools why they want you, they'll know.
)). However, I understand your hesitation to consider changing the opening. You'd be looking at a lot more work, and serious structural changes because you refer back to this opening a few times, and close the essay by re-addressing it. 
The first two paragraphs aren't about you, and finishing second in the event in question sure doesn't seem significant enough to "shape how we approached every obstacle we faced in college" (I mean, you finished second; it's not like they threw you out or something. Then again, maybe I don't understand the magnitude of this event?). And the comment that this occurred "Even without the support and guidance of the cohort leaders, which every other top team had" sounds like complaining. The fourth paragraph doesn't flow from the prior paragraphs and again is not really about you. The last few paragraphs feel disjointed, and I don't feel like I'm learning about who you are, or your qualities and values.