Personal Statement- Help and Advice

[imagineer]

Hey Powerscore Team (and Dave),
Here is my third crack at my PS and if you guys could provide any feedback to make it connect more to the reader, I would really appreciate it. I struggle with spending time explaining a concept rather than showing it, so as I said any help would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers
Raj

How do you build the Empire State Building out of Lego with no instructions? That was my challenge as I opened a box of mixed Lego pieces and had to create something that would impress my parents and the over 100 guests that pile into my house during the Hindu festival of Navarathri. Each household looks to impress one another with extravagant displays of their children’s talent and their worldly travels by putting religious idols and mementos on display in their home. They invite friends and family to celebrate the victory of good over evil and the importance of the three main goddesses in the Hindu religion.

While this festival has more importance that the extravagant showcase, the environment of scrutiny, and the task-driven exercises provided me with a unique structure within which my desire to create and innovate flourished and took shape. Sitting and looking at the Lego pieces and trying to visualize the building in my head, I put together a 3 foot tall recreation of the Empire State Building. Even as I child and an adolescent, I looked to innovate and create with one goal in mind: success.

Innovation and improving business processes to get the best out of an experience motivated me to start my own business. It started as a competition to design a company. My two co founders and I decided to create a hybrid company: one that has some inherent advantage for the customer while still returning profits to the shareholders. So as not to be mundane and start another restaurant in ___, we strove to create an idea that would revitalize an industry in need of some change.

Growing up as a tennis player with flat feet, I would always complain about pain after any practices or matches. I tried orthotics, generic gell insoles, but nothing seemed to reduce the pain. Then we discovered a brand of shoes that reduced the pain. Problem with them… they were ugly and made me feel like I was forty when I was actually 16. At that moment I realized that there wasn’t a product that was both look stylish and be comfortable. And so, in college we set out to design a better sneaker; not with the motive of making money, but with the idea that this product could help many people who suffer from serious foot ailments, moderate foot ailments or just want more comfortable shoes.

Sitting many a nights with Insomnia cookies by the bed and a glass of chocolate milk, we poured over hundreds of pages of catalogues, market data and industry research in the hopes that no one else was in the same market. After months of researching and interviewing several top podiatrists in _____, we finalized our concept and we went ahead with _____, the spanish word for ______ as the company name. One night I told my parents about the concept and I was shocked at their response. They disapproved of my interest in what they considered a volatile profession which provided no guarantees for success. In the same place where I was encouraged to express my creative side in order to impress the guests, I was told that pursuing an entrepreneurial venture at a young age was not allowed. This didn’t detract me from continuing my company; it actually strengthened my interest in it to show everyone that I was capable of following through and being successful in the entrepreneurial arena.

Having worked on the company for a couple years, we are currently looking for prospective investors and buyers who would could either be strategic partners or have a vision of how to take this company to the next level. Over the course of working on _______, I was able to see technology and science take giant steps right before my eyes. A professor of mine who worked at CERN helped with discovering the “god particle”. Phones, laptops and tablets became sleeker and more powerful. The most interesting aspect is how design thinking and product design has changed and evolved. Gadgets from 80’s movies are now a reality. Gadgets from more recent movies are yet a thing of the future, but why should they be?

When people usually watch a science fiction or action movie, most of them envy the gadgets that the main characters get to use. For many, the tech toys of the greatest hero’s are a far off glimpse into the “what could be” but for me, my goal is to bring them to reality. While working on ______, my partners and I decided to invent and combine mobile computing with the SixthSense device created by _______. As an open source platform we are working on merging the SixthSense device and the Leap Motion hand gesture device to create hologram computing which would allow you to operate in three dimensions and remove the need for monitors in crowded work spaces. As a user, you will be able to focus on the content of a presentation rather than the specific terminal on which the project is being constructed in. While developing this product we realized that there was a huge market for wearable gesture devices and soon enough Samsung released its Galaxy Gear. We are looking to take advantage of the new developing marketplace for wearable technology in a way that does not limit your access to the device or the ways in which you can use it. If this product can help one person do something they weren’t able to do before, or do something more efficiently, I have done my job. Inefficiency is rampant in this world. We have 5 products to do what one product could do. Why not combine them and build the experience around the consumer? That is what I am trying to do.

So how does all this connect to a lego set I made when I was a kid for a religious festival? The environment, in which I grew up, provided me an opportunity to explore my creativity and think outside the box. Only when one is given a finite space, do we spend time figuring out how to operate within it. When we aren’t given a structure, we look to shape it to our specifications. In the same way, I want to shape my career in law not in the traditional sense of becoming an attorney, but understanding how the law impacts small businesses and help entrepreneurs, like myself, expand their business and understand how the law intersects with their business. Being a successful entrepreneur who is able to give something back to society is extremely important to me. Becoming a lawyer and improving my credibility in the exclusive entrepreneurial arena will give me the advantage to take my business to the next level.

[Dave Killoran]

Hi Raj,

Good to hear from you as always. It's hard to create a full-scale analysis of your draft in this forum, so instead what I'm going to do is make a list of things I like and don't like. I think that will help you see what my opinion is, at least. But, let me stress that it is just my opinion. I also strongly encourage anyone else reading this essay (student, instructor,spammer, you name it ) to post their opinion, even if it is just to say you like it, or even to rate the essay on a scale of 1-10--every bit of feedback helps!

What I like

• I like the fact that there's action in the opening. That makes it easier to get drawn into the story. But see below for my comment on the anecdote itself (and those comments relate to the act of what you are doing itself; the part I like about this anecdote is that it shows me something about your upbringing and family--these elements are important).
• I like this sentence: "Growing up as a tennis player with flat feet,..." It's interesting. As a reader, I want more of interesting stuff like this--which still tells me about you--and less corporate-speak like I mention below. In fact this whole paragraph tells me something about you that is positive.
• The paragraph that starts, "When people usually watch a science fiction..." begins well. It's interesting. But, as mentioned below, you lose that thread.
• I like that you connected the opening and the ending. That's smart. I also think you have a good reason for having an interest in the law. what I'd like to see done better in this last paragraph is you showing how and why this need for legal knowledge affects you.

What concerns me

• I'm not sure this opening anecdote is powerful enough to convey what you want it to convey. I know from the remainder of the essay that you want to be seen as successful and diligent, but it's hard to identify those ultimate goals with what is essentially a children's exercise. Failure at that age--while certainly not desirable--wouldn't be seen by a reader as the end of the world. I actually might think about opening your essay with the story where you told your parents about your concept and starting a company, and they disapproved.
• I don't love this sentence: "Innovation and improving business processes to get the best out of an experience motivated me to start my own business." It doesn't sound authentic--is that really the reason you started the company? That sounds like the corporate-speak version
• I don't like this sentence: "Sitting many a nights with Insomnia cookies by the bed and a glass of chocolate milk,..." My first thought is that you are trying to go to sleep, but obviously that's not the case, so it forced me to pause and figure out what you were getting at--that's not a good thing.
• Watch out for typos like "poured" when it should be "pored."
• The paragraph that starts, "Having worked on the company..." needs to go. The first part makes it seem like you are looking for a simple sell-out, and the second part isn't about you at all. I get the transition you are making with the second half of this paragraph, but I think you could condense it (for example, kill this outright: " A professor of mine who worked at CERN helped with discovering the “god particle”. Phones, laptops and tablets became sleeker and more powerful.").
• The paragraph that starts, "When people usually watch a science fiction..." begins well but doesn't end strongly. you go into a "telling" mode instead of showing me. I sense some passion and interest here on your part, but the emotion is masked by the manner of presentation. Show me more in terms of examples of how this affects you (and others), and I think this could be far more powerful.
• I really want you to rework this last paragraph a bit. It has elements that can really work, but it still doesn't have the strongest impact yet. the last sentence is a good example: "Becoming a lawyer and improving my credibility in the exclusive entrepreneurial arena will give me the advantage to take my business to the next level." Do you think the reader will walk away remembering that?

My overall thought is that I'm starting to see you implement some of the things I talked about in my recent personal statement seminar (free for anyone to view over at http://www.powerscore.com/lsat/help/#free-lessons -- see the very last link there, The Personal Statement). Those are good developments. I also like that I can see things in your background and story that are starting to paint a picture for me of who you are, and what made that person. that's important because having those elements makes your overall job easier. what still needs work is shaping the order of the message, and the visceral impact of the message. To be blunt, it's not memorable yet, and I want your essay to be a memorable one. So, it's getting better, but you still have some work to do.

Also, for anyone wondering what criteria I am using to evaluate essays, I discuss that in greater detail in our free Personal Statement seminar, a recent recording of which can be accessed over at http://powerscore.com/lsat/help/#free-lessons (see The Personal Statement).

My last comment is that I offer advance apologies for any offense I may have caused by the frankness of my comments. I don't intend any offense, but I try to give my opinion honestly, and that sometimes occurs without sugarcoating

[Steve Stein]

Hi Raj,

I know that you have already been given a good bit of guidance on your other drafts as well as this most recent version, so I will keep my comments brief: My very first thought: your essay is quite lengthy. Two pages double spaced would be around 500 words--your essay is over twice that, so it's definitely not too short, meaning that you've got some flexibility regarding what to cut in your next edit.

Admissions directors will be reading many other essays as well, so I would suggest that as you apply the other advice given in this thread to your next draft, you also seek to significantly reduce the word count (in part perhaps by reducing the number of seemingly disparate anecdotes) to make your story more cohesive and engaging.

I hope that's helpful!

~Steve

[imagineer]

Thank you Steve and Dave for all the insight and guidance. As always, it is much appreciated.

Dave: I think its better to not sugarcoat and be direct because its easier to understand the room for improvement without losing sight of the overall task.

Steve: I will try to cut down on the words which I think will happen when I convert all the telling into showing.

Thank you both again for your advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it.

Cheers
Raj

[Nikki Siclunov]

Hey Raj,

Let me add my 2c.

1. Unlike Dave, I'm actually quite fond of the opening story - it grabbed my attention for sure. The problem is, I don't like what you did with it:

Sitting and looking at the Lego pieces and trying to visualize the building in my head, I put together a 3 foot tall recreation of the Empire State Building. Even as I child and an adolescent, I looked to innovate and create with one goal in mind: success.

You just "put it together"? Surely there was more to it than that. How did you manage to put together a 3-foot tall skyscraper out of LEGO's without instructions? Having one big pile of LEGO's must have been frightening, especially given the expectations placed upon you. How did you focus on the task at hand? It sounds like your creativity was not hindered by the lack of instructions; on the contrary - you found it liberating. Tell us more about it. Also, I realize you wanted to "innovate and create" in order to succeed, but your goal sounds somewhat generic and vague, not to mention way too "grown-up" for a teenager. How do you define success at that time? Was it something intrinsic to the product you designed, or was it, perhaps, a matter of parental pride? As a teenager, maybe you wanted to prove to everyone (including yourself) that were a grown-up? Something to think about.

2.

Innovation and improving business processes to get the best out of an experience motivated me to start my own business. It started as a competition to design a company. My two co founders and I decided to create a hybrid company: one that has some inherent advantage for the customer while still returning profits to the shareholders. So as not to be mundane and start another restaurant in ___, we strove to create an idea that would revitalize an industry in need of some change.

The first sentence has to go, I agree with Dave 100%. Also, I'm not sure what this entire paragraph adds to your story. Every (successful) company offers something valuable to its consumers while returning profits to its shareholders. This is neither meaningful nor unique in the context of your essay. Unless you say more about the restaurant, this seems to be a dead end.

3. The second-to-last paragraph was needlessly detailed and somewhat verbose. I get what you're trying to say, but you can say it with fewer words, and - more importantly - less business jargon.

In general, the biggest problem with your essay (I think) has to do with how it flows. You provide almost no transition between paragraphs 2-3, 3-4, and 4-5. If you are giving examples of entrepreneurship, then you need to preface them by telling the reader to expect a list of seemingly disparate examples that tie up in the end. How does each example build upon the previous one? How did each successful enterprise help you mature? Also, what about your failures? Surely you must have had some, and talking about them could be just as powerful, if not more so. Nobody wants to read a mere list of achievements. What's more fascinating, sometimes, is how you overcame the challenges and failures you faced.

Overall, however, you are headed in the right direction! Keep up the good work

[imagineer]

Hey Nikki! Thanks so much for the assistance and advice. I definitely see what you are talking about. Glad you liked the lego anecdote. I can up with it when I was listening to the free personal statement seminar so I can vouch that the seminar was incredibly helpful. I will definitely use the advice and suggestions you have provided and work on improving my essay.

Cheers
Raj

[Dave Killoran]

And here we see the value of getting multiple opinions

For the record, I did like parts of the opening ("the part I like about this anecdote is that it shows me something about your upbringing and family--these elements are important"). Of course, proper execution is key, and Nikki makes a good point that where the anecdote goes needs to be worked on if you keep it in. It might help to know how the result was perceived--presumably your family was proud and the guests impressed, but that's just a presumption. Your family seems to have an emphasis on success, so how did they respond?

Glad the seminar helped!

Thanks!

[Jon Denning]

Hey Raj!

I'll weigh in (briefly) too, since you and I already discussed this a bit at the personal statement seminar, and I think most of the points I'd make have been made very well by others here.

If you recall during our chat conversation at the seminar, there were two things about the opening anecdote that I wanted to hear more about:

1. The process by which you built the tower, given that instructions were absent. Dave makes the case that you could possible start with a stronger (or weightier) story, and I agree with that, but I also feel like Nikki's point is valid: if you're going to describe a challenge that you overcame, tell me HOW you did it! Don't simply say "adversity has always been something I embraced as an obstacle to defeat..." or whatever. Show me, in the story itself, how you were able to beat it, and then pivot from that into a parallel scenario from adulthood, perhaps.

2. The nature of the festival (and the environment surrounding it) itself, as that is something I imagine is both foreign and potentially intriguing to a reader. And that echoes Dave's point about drawing a reader in with a story early on: starting with the idea of creating a business of which your family disapproves gives unique insight into you and your upbringing. That's key. It shows more about the context within which your mentality was formed, and how your passions have manifested themselves, as opposed to self-affirming statements just about your mentality, like "I've always been a hard worker" or "I'm passionate about innovation."

Let those points guide you throughout. You're saying an awful lot about yourself explicitly, and in generic, corporate-speak lingo. That's no good. If you truly are those things (passionate, innovative, creative, driven, etc) then you ought to have some interesting examples of times those traits have been exhibited, and you ought to be able to write about those experiences in a way that testifies to who you are implicitly to the reader. Show me, don't tell me.

Oh, and shorten it

[imagineer]

Hi Jon, Dave, Nikki and Steve,
Thanks for all your great advice and for being willing to give me honest feedback on what needed to change. I have taken everything to heart and tried to connect the ideas I thought were important to met. I am still struggling with the word count but the I think the essay flows a bit better this time around and there is more showing rather than telling.

As always, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. I tried to specifically touch on the points that you all brought up and have reworked the sections that were disjointed.

Hope this is better than the last one Looking forward to hearing what you think.

Cheers

Raj

How do you build the Empire State Building out of Legos with no instructions? That was my challenge as I opened a box of mixed Lego pieces and had to create something that would impress my parents and the over 100 guests that pile into my house during the Hindu festival of Navarathri. Each household looks to impress one another with extravagant displays of their children’s talent and their worldly travels by putting religious idols and mementos on display in their home. Families invite friends and guests to celebrate the victory of good over evil and the importance of the three main goddesses in the Hindu religion.

While this festival has more importance that the extravagant showcase, the environment of scrutiny, and the task-driven exercises provided me with a unique structure within which my desire to create and innovate flourished and took shape. The scrutiny helped me better understand how to measure success at a young age.

Sitting and looking at the Lego pieces and trying to visualize the building in my head, I soon realized that I didn’t have enough pieces of the same color to put together a 3 foot tall recreation of the Empire State Building. What was even more frightening was the prospect of my parents not approving of and the guests being seemingly unimpressed with what I had created. Rather than spending time worrying about the pressure and the lack of guidance, I felt the chaos liberating and it allowed me to develop my own strategy to build the structure. After what felt like several hours, the structure was complete. I stepped back and stared at the building, examining it from every angle. For me, at that age, success meant approval from my parents and the guests. Throughout the festival, I was complimented and the guests raved at the creative ability I had to build and complete the structure on top of my school work and other activities. I had achieved what I thought most kids look for: I had made my parents proud. Over the course of my high school and collegiate career, my view of success has changed, but one thing has always stayed the same: my ability to be creative and never be afraid to think outside of the box.

In high school I participated in several business competitions which gave me the opportunity to hone my creativity in a more practical, business sense. After winning every award possible through the Junior Achievement Program, I realized that my view of success had grown from just making my parents proud to being happy with my performance as well. A component of self satisfaction and reflection had been introduced. After my success in running the businesses, I realized that my potential in an entrepreneurial setting was unlimited and so I began brainstorming ideas for products that would be fun and useful to create. Very quickly, I realized the process of starting your own business was strewn with obstacles and unknowns. Just as the Lego set didn’t come with directions, neither does starting your own company. Once again, I embraced the chaos of starting a company and worked with the knowledge that I had and my interest in tennis to create a new product.

Growing up as a tennis player with flat feet, I would always complain about pain after any practices or matches. I tried orthotics, generic gell insoles, but nothing seemed to reduce the pain. Then we discovered a brand of shoes that reduced the pain. Problem with them… they were ugly and made me feel like I was 40 when I was actually 16. At that moment I realized that there wasn’t a product that was both look stylish and be comfortable. And so, in college my partners and I set out to design a better sneaker; not with the motive of making money, but with the idea that this product could help many people who suffer from serious foot ailments, moderate foot ailments or just want more comfortable shoes.

After months of researching and interviewing several top podiatrists in New York City, we finalized our concept and decided to clue our families in our idea and the venture we were about to start. One night I told my parents about the concept and I was shocked at their response. They disapproved of my interest in what they considered a volatile profession which provided no guarantees for success. In the same home where I was encouraged to express my creative side in order to impress the guests, I was told that pursuing an entrepreneurial venture at a young age was not allowed. This didn’t detract me from continuing my company; it actually strengthened my interest in it to show everyone that I was capable of following through with an idea and being successful in the entrepreneurial arena. My definition of success had evolved again. I no longer needed to look to my parents to tell if I have done a good job. I could tell from the effort and the end results of my actions whether I was successful. That self satisfaction and realization has become an invaluable asset in shaping me, as a person, as well as my goals and aspirations.

So how does all this connect to a Lego set I made when I was a kid for a religious festival? The environment, in which I grew up, provided me an opportunity to explore my creativity and think outside the box. It also gave me a chance to understand what success meant to me. When one is given a finite space, we spend time figuring out how to operate within it. When we aren’t given a structure, we look to shape it to our specifications. When we are left to balance both structure and chaos, we learn to combine the best of both worlds and apply it to the task at hand. In the same way, I want to shape my career in law not in the traditional sense of becoming an attorney, but by combining both business and law and understanding where those two intersect. Attending law school would give me another opportunity to evaluate my goals and aspirations as well as shape what success really means to me.

[Nikki Siclunov]

Hey Raj,

Thanks for sharing the most recent version of your essay. It definitely flows somewhat better than before, at least in the first half. You've also managed to remove most of the business-y jargon that plagued earlier versions. That said, I have a few suggestions for you:

1. You talk about the changing definition of success (first it meant impressing your parents, now it's a singular quest for perfection, creativity, and innovation). There is little originality in this transition: do some soul-searching! What is it about innovation that makes you "tick"? Perhaps you feel a certain impatience, or restlessness, with the status quo. Why? What are some of the deeper motivations that drive you to succeed?

2. Avoid cliches, such as "thinking outside the box." It's an overused expression, and makes it sound like you can't think outside the box.

3. I was completely at a loss about why you narrated the story about the podiatrist shoes. What happened with the shoes? What does that story tell us about you? Your motives were just to "help people"? There must have been more to it than that. Unless you connect it better to the rest of your statement, that story is somewhat distracting and adds little to it.

Overall, an improvement for sure. Keep it up!