My personal statement -first draft.

[kristinaroz93]

This past summer I fell in love with ballet. It was the summer my grandmother called me and excitedly told me about two tickets she purchased to a show at the New York City Center, before inviting me to accompany her to the feat. The performances were set to include two prominent Russian dancers, both of whom have roots to the Bolshoi Ballet in Moscow. The Bolshoi Ballet is known for being an incredibly competitive dance company, producing some of the greatest talent in the industry, from artists such as Nina Ananiashvili to Nadezhda Pavlova.

Out of pure love and respect for my beloved grandmother, I had agreed to go. Admittedly, I myself had never been a ballet enthusiast, but thought it would be a welcome distraction from my studies. In fact, I still chuckle at this one memory I have during my early childhood, where the only way my grandmother could get me to attend, was through the promise of a Toys “R” Us visit directly afterwards. We had thus set out on the long trek over, all the way from south Brooklyn into uptown Manhattan.

Upon arrival, we hastily scurried into the theatre and walked up to our seats in the last row of a sold out show. As we sat back and patiently awaited for the lights to dim and the performance to start, I admit to not having felt quite as excited as I would have hoped. However, I knew the show would make my grandmother happy and there was not much more I could ask for. The memorable words she had even remarked to me before the curtains had risen; was that there would come a day when she would grow too old to do any of these exciting things with me, and therefore wanted us to have this one unforgettable night together.

The first act we saw was called Zeitgeist, choreographed by the well-known, Alastair Marriott, performed to the music of Philip Glass. It revealed four men dancing in unison with one another in tight, black leotards, each having very precise control over their bodily movements and gestures. It seemed as though they were effortlessly flying and gliding through out the stage, doing something that so greatly surpassed the ability of any normal human body. However, it was not until the famous ballerina, Natalia Osipova, joined them on stage, that the performance became quite the game changer. I found myself completely and utterly lost in the serene beauty of it all, almost having been moved to the verge of tears. The ballerina’s grand jeté , pirouettes, and high leg kicks, were nothing less than superb. She was constantly being lifted by all four male performers simultaneously, allowing her to hold some exquisitely, elegant poses in the air. These dancers made hard, strenuous leaps look easy and effortless, leaving not a single dry eye in the audience that night.

I soon also began to love what ballet embodied. To me it represented a deep portrayal of emotions, classical love stories, beautiful costumes, and tear-jerking, applaud worthy physical triumphs. My grandmother and I saw two more acts that night, before making the long journey back home. I had a sort of bittersweet feeling overwhelm me as the night came to a close. On the one hand I had discovered a new passion of mine, one which I would now cherish eternally. Whereas on the other hand, I also came to the saddening realization of how much I wished my parents placed me into ballet classes from a young age. I, too, would have wanted to be as elegant and graceful as the performers on stage that night. And of course to understand the feeling of flying and leaping around effortlessly, in addition to all of the intimate emotions that accompany dance. But I knew that if I took classes at this point in my life, that I could never train my body to act in the ways of a real ballerina. However, I will not let this idea discourage me from taking ballet classes in the future and being thrilled about mastering even the little things. I have always welcomed challenges with open arms, and the more impossible a thing seems to be, the greater I yearn to conquer it. I will now make the art of ballet my wonderful challenge, and I am quite hopeful there will come a day I can learn to stand on pointe, and if not, then that is okay, for I will keep trying regardless.

How is this so far as a first rough draft??

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated=D

[David Boyle]

This past summer I fell in love with ballet. It was the summer my grandmother called me and told me excitedly about two tickets she purchased to a show at the New York City Center, before inviting me to accompany her to the feat. The performances were set to include two prominent Russian dancers, both of whom have roots to the Bolshoi Ballet in Moscow. The Bolshoi Ballet is known for being an incredibly competitive dance company, producing some of the greatest talent in the industry, from artists such as Nina Ananiashvili to Nadezhda Pavlova.

Out of pure love and respect for my beloved grandmother, I had agreed to go. Admittedly, I myself had never been a ballet enthusiast, but thought it would be a welcome distraction from my studies. In fact, I still chuckle at this one memory I have during my early childhood, where the only way my grandmother could get me to attend, was through the promise of a Toys “R” Us visit directly afterwards. We had thus set out on the long trek over, all the way from south Brooklyn into uptown Manhattan. Upon arrival, we hastily scurried into the theatre and walked up to our seats in the last row of a sold out show.

As we sat back and patiently awaited for the lights to dim and the performance to start, I admit to not having felt quite as excited as I would have hoped. However, I knew the show would make my grandmother happy and there was not much more I could ask for. The memorable words she had even remarked to me before the curtains had risen; was that there would come a day when she would grow too old to do any of these exciting things with me, and therefore wanted us to have this one unforgettable night together.

The first act we saw was called Zeitgeist, choreographed by the well-known, Alastair Marriott, performed to the music of Philip Glass. It revealed four men dancing in unison with one another in tight, black leotards, each having very precise control over their bodily movements and gestures. It seemed as though they were effortlessly flying and gliding through out the stage, doing something that so greatly surpassed the ability of any normal human body. However, it was not until the famous ballerina, Natalia Osipova, joined them on stage, that the performance became quite the game changer. I found myself completely and utterly lost in the serene beauty of it all, almost having been moved to the verge of tears. The ballerina’s grand jeté , pirouettes, and high leg kicks, were nothing less than superb. She was constantly lifted by all four male performers simultaneously, allowing her to hold some exquisitely, elegant poses in the air. These dancers made hard, strenuous leaps look easy and effortless, leaving not a single dry eye in the audience that night.

I soon also began to love what ballet embodied. To me it represented a deep portrayal of emotions, classical love stories, beautiful costumes, and tear-jerking, applaud worthy physical triumphs. My grandmother and I saw two more acts that night, before making the long journey back home. I had a sort of bittersweet feeling overwhelm me as the night came to a close. On the one hand I had discovered a new passion of mine, one which I would now cherish eternally. Whereas on the other hand, I also came to the saddening realization of how much I wished my parents placed me into ballet classes from a young age. I, too, would have wanted to be as elegant and graceful as the performers on stage that night. And of course to understand the feeling of flying and leaping around effortlessly, in addition to all of the intimate emotions that accompany dance. But I knew that if I took classes at this point in my life, that I could never train my body to act in the ways of a real ballerina. However, I will not let this idea discourage me from taking ballet classes in the future and being thrilled about mastering even the little things. I have always welcomed challenges with open arms, and the more impossible a thing seems to be, the greater I yearn to conquer it. I will now make the art of ballet my wonderful challenge, and I am quite hopeful there will come a day I can learn to stand on pointe, and if not, then that is okay, for I will keep trying regardless.

How is this so far as a first rough draft??

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated=D

Hello,

I enjoyed it, but am not quite sure how your enjoyment of ballet, and your desire to have taken ballet classes a long time ago, fits into a law school application, or any other application (except any present application to a ballet school). Maybe there are things you want to clarify here.

Hope this helps,
David

[kristinaroz93]

I guess I should add in then that I like to take on new challenges, and so even though I am now 21 and it will be really difficult to try and learn/master steps at this age, that I will still try my best to do so regardless. And so when I go to law school, I will similarly face many challeneges along the way, but will do my best to not get discouraged, but rather face them head on. Something along those lines...

In addition, to the fact that I have proven from the experience to be a more an open minded person than i previously thought. I came into the ballet thinking I would be unmoved by it, but ended up loving it. In law school we will always be taking new classes and learning new material, and so it is good to be a an open minded person for those kinds of things. Of course I have to find a way to incorporate all of these elements in. What do you think? Can it work?

[David Boyle]

I guess I should add in then that I like to take on new challenges, and so even though I am now 21 and it will be really difficult to try and learn/master steps at this age, that I will still try my best to do so regardless. And so when I go to law school, I will similarly face many challeneges along the way, but will do my best to not get discouraged, but rather face them head on. Something along those lines...

In addition, to the fact that I have proven from the eperience to be a more an open minded person than i thought. I came into the ballet thinking I would be unmoved by it, but ended up loving it. In law school we will always be taking new classes and learning new material, and so it is good to be a an open minded person for thsoe kinds of things. Of course I have to find a way to incorporate all of these elements in. What do you think? Can it work?

Hello,

Maybe, though some people may think the relationship is too strained, going from all the discussion of ballet to talking about law school. (I can imagine an admissions officer saying, "Well, why isn't she going to ballet school full time instead of law school if it means so much to her?")
But maybe there is a way to make it work. You can always tinker with it.

David

[kristinaroz93]

Hmm I will remove a lot of ballet elements then to talk about me just wanting to take on a challenge. I will re-do it and then resend, because i definately do not want to be applying to ballet schools!

[kristinaroz93]

Draft Part 2:

Here is the essay:


This past summer I fell in love again. It was when my grandmother called me and told me about two tickets she purchased to a ballet show at the New York City Center, to which I eagerly agreed to attend with her.

The first act we saw night was called Zeitgeist, choreographed by the well-known, Alastair Marriott, performed to the music of Philip Glass. It revealed four men dancing in unison with one another in tight, black leotards, each having very precise control over their bodily movements and gestures. They seemed as though they were effortlessly flying and gliding throughout the stage, doing something that so greatly surpassed the ability of any normal human body. However, it was not until the famous ballerina, Natalia Osipova, joined them on stage, that the performance became something magical. I found myself completely and utterly lost in the serene beauty of it all, almost having been moved to the verge of tears. The ballerina’s grand jeté , pirouettes, and high leg kicks, were nothing less than superb. She was constantly being lifted by all four male performers simultaneously, allowing her to hold a few exquisitely, elegant poses in the air. These dancers were able to make hard, strenuous leaps look easy and effortless, leaving not a single dry eye in the audience that night.

This performance made me reminisce back to the times I used to take contemporary dance classes near my house at the young age of twelve and wonder why I had ever chosen to stop. A few reasons came to mind. One, for instance, was the constant feeling of soreness the next day, making it seemingly impossible to walk. Then, there was the one incident with my dance teacher attempting to put me into a split, by pushing down on my back with the full extent of her weight. I left class that day fearing that I may have tore something, as I cannot express the excruciating pain that accompanied this experience. The other more subtle reasons, were the insecurities I felt as a dancer. I remember my teacher telling me that I was not expressing my movements with the fullest of emotions and exaggeration possible. However, I always thought that if I did, it would look silly and far from anything one would consider “artistic”.

The dance classes themselves were also very demanding and challenging for other reasons, seeing as how they forced us to be in constant movement for about an hour straight. And when we were not dancing, we were intensely stretching out our bodies. However, despite all of the pain and insecurities I felt in class, there were times it had all become quite enjoyable and well worth it. This feeling came once I had pushed past the pain and feathered on with my dancing. I took in all the constructive criticism my teacher provided and tried to master each movement to the best of my ability. And once I had, was when all the joy finally sunk in, and I simply wanted to go again and again. This ballet performance has essentially reminded me of everything I previously loved about dance and how diligently I had worked to overcome any obstacles that came my way. I eventually quit in high school, not so much due to daily soreness or the insecurities I felt as a dancer, but rather because of my overwhelming course load as a student. However, I am looking to start taking ballet classes in the future and have a go at it all again.

I feel the same about these dance classes I took as a young girl, to the way that I am as a student. I like to take on challenging courses like organic chemistry, and find a way to succeed at them. To push past my insecurities and occasionally mental fatigue, and tell myself that upon mastery, the material will become infinitely more enjoyable and rewarding. It is a given that all courses we inevitably take as law students will be very challenging, and test not only our endurance, but ability to understand the theory, interpretation, and application behind various legal concepts. Moreover, we must be able to parse the dense language of long reading materials and find a way to make sense of it all. But I love nothing more than taking on challenges that let me utilize my skills to the best of my ability, even if it all seem hopeless at the start. In fact, I think that this perseverance is the chief reason why I will excel in law school and beyond.

[Dave Killoran]

Hi Kristina,

Thanks for messaging me about this! I'm going to make a few general comments about the personal statement and writing drafts, and then I'll turn specifically to what you've posted. As an fyi, I usually am able to review only one or two essay drafts at most due to time constraints, so I always ask that students attempt to post something they feel is as close to final as they can get it on their own. That way I feel I can have maximum impact for the greatest number of students

Another thing I always suggest is that if you haven't yet checked it out, please review my free seminar on the Personal Statement. It's available instantly, and can be found at http://www.powerscore.com/lsat/help/#free-lessons, as the sixth link under "Recorded/Archived Lessons." That seminar covers a number of important elements that everyone should consider when putting together a personal statement, as well as a number of tips I've collected over the years. I also use examples to support the advice I give in there, and viewing that seminar is often really helpful for applicants.

One other piece of advice I strongly promote is that when you write a new draft, it should be a process that takes at least 2-3 days. In my view, every single word in your statement is critical, and you should be going over each draft with a fine-tooth comb. You should also take time to let the ideas percolate and then settle in, in order to make the final product as cohesive and fluent as possible. The process of writing a personal statement is optimized when you have a lot of time, and when you take a lot of time to gain perspective on what you are saying and how it will be received. This is good news for you, because we're still early in the admissions season and you have the time to do this right. You're already heading in the right direction

Last, a standard disclaimer I give before making any essay comments: my goal here is to give an honest assessment, which means that at times my comments can be blunt. It's not meant in any way to be negative, but sometimes in critical analysis there's no way to avoid saying that something has to be changed, or to avoid pointing out a weakness. The great thing about this process is that by putting yourself and your essay out there, you get a chance to make these corrections before any decision-makers read your statement. So, please take my comments for what they are: a sincere effort to help you produce the best essay possible!


Ok, let's get into some specifics about your latest draft. First, I think there's some really strong writing in here, and that is a great asset, and one that will serve you well regardless of the topic or message of your statement. Also, I really like certain parts of the story you tell, and think that it conveys some good messaging about who you are as a candidate. I do think that could be stronger, however, and so as you redraft this, please keep that in mind. I'll expand on that below.

I'm going to pull various parts of your draft out and quote them as a reference, and then I'll comment immediately below the quoted text. If I cut something out and don't comment, it means that I didn't have a specific issue with it.

This past summer I fell in love again. It was when my grandmother called me and told me about two tickets she purchased to a ballet show at the New York City Center, to which I eagerly agreed to attend with her.

Two things here: the first is that I like this opening line! It's an attention-getter, and it pulls you right in and makes the reader want to know what happened. So, great job there! Second, I added italics to highlight a problem. Technically, what you are saying is that you fell in love right when your grandmother called you. I know that's not what you mean, of course, but that's actually what's been said, and that threw me off immediately. That needs to be fixed.

The first act we saw night was called Zeitgeist, choreographed by the well-known, Alastair Marriott, performed to the music of Philip Glass.

Two things again: first, there shouldn't be a comma before "Alastair" and there probably should be an "and" before "performed." Second, the specificity of the details is distracting, I think (others may disagree). I want every detail to add to the story as a whole, and these didn't feel like they were doing that. Now, for example, if you had later worked with Marriott, I could see this connection more easily. Also, while I'm familiar with Philip Glass, I'm not familiar with Alastair Marriott, so calling him well-known puts me off slightly (and is it necessary anyway? The question to ask is what value do you derive from calling him well-known? This is an interesting question because every word in this essay has to benefit you somehow. This is true even for small words such as "and" or "also"—maybe they benefit you by keeping things smooth and flowing, or by connecting ideas. But they have to add value in some way. Every word counts!).

It revealed four men dancing in unison with one another in tight, black leotards, each having very precise control over their bodily movements and gestures. They seemed as though they were effortlessly flying and gliding throughout the stage, doing something that so greatly surpassed the ability of any normal human body.

Here, I understand the details that you've added in, and they provide texture to the story. So, these didn't strike me as superfluous.

I found myself completely and utterly lost in the serene beauty of it all, almost having been moved to the verge of tears. The ballerina’s grand jeté , pirouettes, and high leg kicks, were nothing less than superb. She was constantly being lifted by all four male performers simultaneously, allowing her to hold a few exquisitely, elegant poses in the air. These dancers were able to make hard, strenuous leaps look easy and effortless, leaving not a single dry eye in the audience that night.

I've italicized two segments of the above text for easy reference. In the first segment, I think this text works, because it's personal and it underscores the emotion that the dance brought out in you. The second is more problematic for me. I'd be careful about twice referencing in the same paragraph that at a performance people were crying, and while I understand that you are taking a degree of artistic license here, it's a clearly false statement, and it causes the reader to stutter for a moment. Two personal statement rules I have are that you should never force the reader to ask a question because you failed to include information, and you should never create a situation where the reader has to stop for even a microsecond to think about the validity of what you just said (unless it's done for some intended dramatic effect). The second problem is the one that occurs here, and that slowed me while reading and made me question what you were saying. In addition, some readers might look at the two italicized segments and think they have a mild incompatibility: you were only on the verge of tears but there wasn't a dry eye in the house? I personally don't think it's a contradiction, but I'm not the only reader. Someone else might see it differently, and good readers pick up on small stuff like this and it bothers them.

This performance made me reminisce back to the times I used to take contemporary dance classes near my house at the young age of twelve and wonder why I had ever chosen to stop. A few reasons came to mind. One, for instance, was the constant feeling of soreness the next day, making it seemingly impossible to walk. Then, there was the one incident with my dance teacher attempting to put me into a split, by pushing down on my back with the full extent of her weight. I left class that day fearing that I may have tore something, as I cannot express the excruciating pain that accompanied this experience. The other more subtle reasons, were the insecurities I felt as a dancer. I remember my teacher telling me that I was not expressing my movements with the fullest of emotions and exaggeration possible. However, I always thought that if I did, it would look silly and far from anything one would consider “artistic”.

I like the exploration here of why you quit something, especially because prior failure is often a compelling basis for explaining current success. But, my question as I was reading was, "Where is this going? And what am I learning about you that is compelling?" The "attempted split" story is, by itself, interesting, so that's a positive. But every preteen and teenager has insecurities, and I feel like just throwing this idea out there and never really resolving it later bothered me. I don't like seeming negatives being introduced unless they serve a purpose or get addressed later.

The dance classes themselves were also very demanding and challenging for other reasons, seeing as how they forced us to be in constant movement for about an hour straight. And when we were not dancing, we were intensely stretching out our bodies.

I think this is a given, of sorts. Dance, crossfit, running, you name it—they are all physically demanding in different ways. The question is, "How does saying this benefit you?" My reaction as a reader was, "Yeah, and so...?"

This feeling came once I had pushed past the pain and feathered on with my dancing.

Love the use of "feathered" here—very unique. That is all

And once I had, was when all the joy finally sunk in, and I simply wanted to go again and again...I eventually quit in high school, not so much due to daily soreness or the insecurities I felt as a dancer, but rather because of my overwhelming course load as a student.

I worry about this pair of statements, and I'm not sure this reflects well on you. You express a love for ballet, but then quit later due to...homework. Every high school kid has homework, but still many of them competed on school sports teams, played in band, worked on the yearbook, etc. I feel like this is a real letdown as far as a reason, especially when we are talking about the central example you are using to support your law school candidacy, and an example that you cite as indicative of your perseverance. I believe that this section, and the message in general, has to be very carefully considered and ultimately refined and changed.

I feel the same about these dance classes I took as a young girl, to the way that I am as a student.

This is a good example of a sentence that needs to be rewritten a few times, and that would benefit from extra time in the editing process. It's a bit wordy and slightly unclear.

I like to take on challenging courses like organic chemistry, and find a way to succeed at them. To push past my insecurities and occasionally mental fatigue, and tell myself that upon mastery, the material will become infinitely more enjoyable and rewarding.

I like this section. So many personal statements act like the candidate is a perfect academic god who will destroy law school with ease, and thus it's nice to see language such as "find a way" and "tell myself" that imply confidence without arrogance or certitude. Good job here!

It is a given that all courses we inevitably take as law students will be very challenging, and test not only our endurance, but ability to understand the theory, interpretation, and application behind various legal concepts. Moreover, we must be able to parse the dense language of long reading materials and find a way to make sense of it all.

One of the standard pieces of advice I give out is that you don't want to tell the admissions committee what law school is like. First, they already know what's its like, so you aren't enlightening them in any way. Second, it doesn't say anything about you, so it is a lost opportunity to use those words for something else that would benefit you. I get the transition here from the prior two sentences and how that applies to law school, but describing law school is, in my opinion, the wrong path. I'd instead say that you don't know what law school is like but that by reputation it's ominous, and that you welcome that challenge. Focus on the challenge itself, not the actual mechanics of why it is challenging.

In fact, I think that this perseverance is the chief reason why I will excel in law school and beyond.

There's a contradiction here that is problematic. At the end, you are saying that your perseverance is a strength, but just a few paragraphs prior, you talked about why you quit ballet. And the reasons you cited there weren't beyond your control. Meaning, it wasn't an injury that stopped you; you instead made that decision on your own, which means you didn't show perseverance there!


Ok, so that's a set of comments about specific pieces. And you can see in there that I made some references to the message as a whole. My concern is that the overall impact isn't as strong as it should be. I want more out of this dance story—I want it to make me feel like you really struggled and then didn't give up. I want that experience to serve as the basis for something greater that happened to you later on in life. What happens, though, is that you simply come back and decide—on the basis of a moving ballet you attended—to try it again.

You're a good writer, and that serves you well here and it will definitely be noticed. What I would suggest that you do is consider how this story tells me that you have the qualities needed to succeed. Because that's something they are looking for, and I think you are still in the process of bringing that portion of the message out. If you can do that successfully, it will put you in a great spot since you can tell that story well.

Whew, that was a lot! Please let me know if that helps—I hope so. Thanks!

[kristinaroz93]

Hi Dave,

Thank you so much for all your feedback and help with my essay! I do so greatly appreciate it =)

I will take all of your feedback and apply it as best as I can towards redrafting my essay. I now at least have a concrete goal I can work towards. I see your very valid points about some contradictions/inconsistencies in my essay, which I should definately need to fix up as best as possible.

And I actually already watched the video you are referring to and rewrote this draft after having seen it (hence, how I knew to write an attention grabber first sentence in the beginning as well as the need to tell an entertaining story )

And also, what if I changed preserverance to determination, could it better work with the story?

And yes I do see what you are saying with the bringing about the struggle, again I will try my best to work on that as well.

Thanks again for all your help! I indeed learned a lot from it.

-kristina

[Dave Killoran]

Hi Kristina,

Great, I'm glad this has been of help so far! And I'm really glad that you had viewed that seminar, because it packs a ton of useful information into a relatively short session. You definitely nailed the opening line on your essay, so congrats for taking that idea and successfully achieving the desired result!

You asked me the following:

And also, what if I changed preserverance to determination, could it better work with the story?

This is a tough question for me to answer because it depends on the way you present and execute that idea. So, could it work better? Certainly. But, it may also run into the same problem that the perseverance angle encountered, namely that because you quit ballet of your own accord, there's a natural tendency for the reader to question whether returning to it years later actually shows perseverance or determination. In this sense, the ballet example may not be the best tool to use to make this point. That isn't to say that it's not a good or useful example; it's just that it may be better served promoting a different point.

As you can see, the internal logic and consistency of the message you send is extremely important, and the examples you cite must be ironclad in their ability to explain and support that message. So, there are two ways I would suggest you use to think about the essay overall:

• 1. The ballet example has some really nice parts to it, and you've done some excellent writing with it. So, if you keep that as the basis of your essay, I would take a while and decide what the ballet example really says about you. What does it reveal about you as a person and as a potential law student that is compelling and well-supported? If you can identify what this says about you, then you can really deliver your message persuasively.
  
  2. Alternatively, you can work from the other direction. What do you want to tell the Admissions Committee about yourself? What's an important element or theme in your life? It could be perseverance or determination, or perhaps a different quality. If you decide on one, then you have to ask yourself if the ballet example is the best vehicle to deliver that message, or if there's another example or situation that would better serve that purpose.

Neither of the above approaches is better than the other. All that matters is that you get the best result, so maybe try both and see what you come up with.

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks and good luck!

[kristinaroz93]

Hi Dave,

Thank you again for all your advice, I really appreciate your taking time out to help me with my essay!

I will take it all into consideration upon writing my essay whether it be about dance or anything else!! I am flattered you think of me as a good writer/story teller and I will definately try to utilize those skills to the best of my ability in expressing a strong story, without inconsistencies, and one that clearly demonstrates a struggle accompanied by success or some kind of break through.

Your help here has been most wonderful =D

Best,

Kristina