Personal Statement - feedback needed please!

[mandychristine]

Post removed

[David Boyle]

‘_______ Ever After’

Final Scene, the castle tower (playground slide): I run and stand at the entryway to the slide, close my eyes, and wait for my prince. Amy shouts, “Sleeping Beauty, Sleeping Beauty! Prince Phillip has arrived,” to which I ‘wake up’ and peck our playmate-of-the-day on the cheek just before the curtain (beach towel) falls and Amy yells, “Cut!” in frustration.

Replay of the Final Scene: “Amanda, you did it all wrong! Remember, you have to wait for him to kiss you!” Amy corrects and the curtain goes back up before I’m able to question her direction: “Why? Why do I have to wait for him?”

My mom has nothing short of a childhood’s worth of stories like this one of my sister and me acting out Disney reproductions and me, challenging my character more often than not. Despite my desire to play a more active princess role, growing up, I nonetheless wished my finger be pricked on a spinning wheel and my teeth find themselves deep in a poisoned apple, or at least some metaphorical equivalent of the two. For every damsel-in-distress, Disney taught me that there was a prince ready to spring into action, scoop her up, and ride off into ‘happily ever after’, an ending that didn’t sound half-bad to my five-year-old self. A wicked villain and temporary unconsciousness were a seemingly small price to pay for these princesses, but it was the time spent waiting for the prince that I still have a hard time coping with today.

To ‘sleep’ one’s woes away and wake just in time for ‘happily ever after’ is a fate that always struck me as somewhat unsettling and Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles [Tess] confirmed my skepticism. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White wake to their princes, but Hardy thought it appropriate for Tess to wake impregnated by her rapist, Alec; why? The first time I read Tess, my senior year in high school, I was astonished by the tragedy this antithesis-of-a-fairytale told. Tess, who initially resembles a modern Disney Princess, faces misfortune that isn’t solved, but precipitated by Alec, not a Disney Prince in the least. I pitied Tess and struggled with the unfairness in her being robbed of ‘happily ever after.’ I tried to rationalize what she was missing from Disney’s formula-for-a-happy-ending, but fell short and in doing so, I grew concerned with my life’s projection. If someone like Tess, with all the ‘right’ inputs could end up with the ‘wrong’ output, then why wouldn’t the same fate befall me? How could I guarantee I end up like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White and not Tess?

After that first read, I resented Hardy’s novel for toying with Tess in a way that upset my childhood self. I wished he would go back and rewrite it so Alec would sweep Tess off her feet, but that was Hardy’s point and I was simply asking the wrong questions. This I made sense of the second time I tackled the novel almost four years later in my junior year at William & Mary. My perspective had since changed and I no longer considered ‘happily ever after’ a ‘good’ fate when it came at the cost of losing control over one’s life to a man, an intrinsic childhood belief I abandoned for far too long and one that I have since pledged to carry forward with me.
Disney and Hardy both present characters with a similar lack of control over their lives, but that yield vastly different outcomes. I grew interested in this disparity and as my curiosity developed, I decided to take a short paper of mine on Tess’s unconsciousness and expand it into an extensive research paper on its function throughout the novel. This time I didn’t pity Tess and wish her tale be told by Disney; after careful reflection and study of other scholarship, I argued that Hardy uses Tess and her unconsciousness to reject this narrow worldview of women who are not responsible for their own lives and fall to a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ fate dependent on men. Arguably my most impressive academic achievement to date, I countered Disney’s women who are protected by a blanket of passivity with Hardy, who displays Tess’s princess-like qualities in a way that contributes to her demise.

Tess is not Sleeping Beauty or Snow White and Hardy never intended her to be. Disney might have taught me what it was to live ‘happily ever after’, but Hardy taught me that I didn’t want that and I could never find happiness in it, making me aware of a personal value that has changed the way I view myself. Relying on a man is an ‘ever after’, happy or not, I much prefer to live without and as such, I intend to live my life as neither Disney nor Hardy’s ‘princess’. So in response my five-year-old self, no, you don’t have to wait for him to kiss you; you create your own ‘happily ever after’ and I hope to continue creating mine next year at Vanderbilt Law School, where I’m confident that this dynamic environment of students and professors would foster my continued personal, professional, and intellectual growth in a way that would enable me to meaningfully contribute to such a storied institution.

Hello mandychristine,

That was interesting, although several things: one, it seemed a bit lengthy. I wonder if some of the points could be made in less space. Second, "Arguably my most impressive academic achievement to date" may sound like you are congratulating yourself a lot. Third, while you communicate an interest in self-reliance, it is not clear what actual talents, skills, etc., besides self-reliance you are bringing, that would let you "meaningfully contribute to such a storied institution."
And rewriting in general could be good, e.g., you say, "I countered Disney’s women who are protected by a blanket of passivity with Hardy . . .", which may seem to lack parallelism, since you didn't say, for example, "I countered Disney’s women who are protected by a blanket of passivity with Hardy's woman . . ." Tightening up and checking everything could come in handy. But again, I enjoyed reading it!

Hope this helps,
David

[mandychristine]

Thank you, David! Would you be comfortable with me posting a re-edited version with some of your changes?

[David Boyle]

Thank you, David! Would you be comfortable with me posting a re-edited version with some of your changes?

Hello mandychristine,

Whatever you like, but I am not trying to make any changes per se. If you want to make any changes, that is up to you. I try to let the voice of the original author shine through as much as possible.

Hope this helps,
David

[mandychristine]

Post removed

[David Boyle]

I cut it down 100 words or so, cleaned up a few areas to make my arguments more succinct, and tried to specify the skills I think this PS highlights that will make me successful at VLS (I'm esp. interested in opinions on the skills I've mentioned; are they valuable for law school, etc.?)

Thanks guys!!

‘_______ Ever After’

Final Scene, the castle tower (playground slide): I run and stand at the entryway to the slide, close my eyes, and wait for my prince. Amy shouts, “Sleeping Beauty, Sleeping Beauty! Prince Phillip has arrived,” to which I ‘wake up’ and peck our playmate-of-the-day on the cheek just before the curtain (beach towel) falls and Amy yells, “Cut!” in frustration.

Replay of the Final Scene: “Amanda, you did it all wrong! Remember, you have to wait for him to kiss you!” Amy corrects and the curtain goes back up before I’m able to question her direction: “Why? Why do I have to wait for him?”

My mom has nothing short of a childhood’s worth of stories like this one of my sister and me acting out Disney reproductions and me, challenging my character more often than not. Despite my desire to play a more active role, growing up, I nonetheless wished my finger be pricked on a spinning wheel and my teeth find themselves deep in a poisoned apple, or some metaphorical equivalent of the two. For every damsel-in-distress, Disney taught me that there was a prince ready to spring into action, scoop her up, and ride off into ‘happily ever after’. A wicked villain and temporary unconsciousness were a small price to pay for these princesses, but it was the time spent waiting for their princes that I still have a hard time coping with today.

To ‘sleep’ one’s woes away and wake just in time for ‘happily ever after’ is a fate that struck me as unsettling and Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles [Tess] confirmed my skepticism. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White wake to their princes, but Tess wakes impregnated by her rapist, Alec; why? The first time I read Tess in high school, I was astonished by the tragedy this antithesis-of-a-fairytale told. Tess, who initially resembles a Disney Princess, faces misfortune that is not solved, but precipitated by Alec, who bares no semblance to a Disney Prince. I pitied Tess and struggled with the unfairness in her being robbed of ‘happily ever after’. I fell short in figuring what she was missing from Disney’s formula-for-a-happy-ending and in doing so, I grew concerned with my life’s projection. If someone like Tess, with all the ‘right’ inputs could end up with the ‘wrong’ output, then why wouldn’t the same fate befall me?

After that first read, I resented Hardy for toying with Tess in a way that upset my childhood self. I wished he would go back and rewrite it so that Alec would sweep Tess off her feet, but that was Hardy’s point and I was asking the wrong questions. This I made sense of the next time I tackled the novel in my junior year at William & Mary. My perspective had since changed and I no longer considered ‘happily ever after’ a ‘good’ fate when it came at the cost of losing control over one’s life, a childhood belief I abandoned for too long.

Disney and Hardy present characters with a similar lack of control over their lives, but that yield vastly different outcomes. I grew interested in this disparity and as my curiosity developed, I decided to take a short paper of mine on Tess’s unconsciousness and expand it into an extensive research paper on its function throughout the novel. After careful reflection and study of other scholarship, I argued that Hardy uses Tess and her unconsciousness to reject this narrow worldview of women who are not responsible for their lives and fall to a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ fate dependent on men. I countered Disney’s women, who are protected by a blanket of passivity with Hardy’s woman, whose princess-like qualities contribute to her demise.

Tess is not Sleeping Beauty or Snow White and Hardy never intended her to be. Disney might have taught me what it was to live ‘happily ever after’, but Hardy taught me I didn’t want that and I could never find happiness in it, making me aware of a personal value that has changed the way I view myself. Relying on someone else is an ‘ever after’, happy or not, I much prefer to live without and as such, I intend to live my life as neither Disney’s nor Hardy’s ‘princess’. So in response my five-year-old self, no, you don’t have to wait for him to kiss you; you create your own ‘happily ever after’ and I hope to continue creating mine next year at Vanderbilt Law School, where I’m confident that my intrinsic curiosity, passion for deep-thinking, and appreciation for self-reliance will contribute to my success in this dynamic environment.

Hello mandychristine,

I think it's improved, although (don't scream) I wonder if it could be shortened further? Also:
--Re "I nonetheless wished my finger be pricked on a spinning wheel and my teeth find themselves deep in a poisoned apple", could a "to" be used between "be" and "pricked", and between "teeth" and "find", maybe?
--There are a number of long sentences which could be considered run-on sentences.

Again, though, I thought your most recent version was better than before.

Hope this helps,
David

[Laura Carrier]

Hi mandychristine,

I really like the creativity and the complexity of ideas in your statement and I think you are doing a great job editing it! I love the idea of juxtaposing Disney heroines against Tess, and then using your evolving thoughts about that contrast both to show that you’ve always resisted the unthinking adoption of stereotypical beliefs and roles, as well as to suggest how your ongoing pursuit of your unique perspective demonstrates a set of qualities that are relevant to being a good law student and lawyer.

I just want to add a few small editing suggestions to complement David’s earlier advice.

This first one might just be me, but I would have liked to know during the first two paragraphs that Amy was your sister and that you were age five. I think if you could work in those two concrete, contextual details at the outset, it would really ground this opening scene and make it a lot easier to visualize, thereby giving it a more cinematic sort of impact. This is just a thought, though—I don’t at all want to suggest anything that would mar your opening, which is quite nicely worked out as is.

Second, a couple of tiny suggestions regarding punctuation:

1) Be careful when you are setting a phrase off with commas to include the second comma in the proper location. E.g., if I added a comma to the previous sentence so that it read “Be careful, when you are . . .,” I would also want to add a second comma at the relevant spot to bookmark the other end of the phrase, so that it read, “Be careful, when you are setting a phrase off with commas, to include . . . .” If I were you, I would check through the statement to make sure you are consistently doing this, since omitting the second comma can render one’s meaning a bit ambiguous at times.

2) I would look over your use of semi-colons and decide whether you really want them where you have them. For instance, maybe your question “why?” in paragraph four would be stronger as a stand-alone sentence.

I know these are very minor things; but my thought is that the more attention you pay to details such as this, the more smoothly your writing will flow for your readers, which will lessen the chances of any distracting thoughts interrupting their attention to your ideas.

Third, I am wondering whether you could clarify your meaning a bit in paragraph five, which contains some very important ideas that might possibly come through more clearly if you make sure you are expressing exactly what you want to say—especially in the final sentence (and also perhaps the third sentence). Paragraphs four and six are extremely clear, and I would like to see paragraph five rise to their level of lucid expression! Does that make sense?

Finally, there is something slightly puzzling to me in paragraph seven. It is really just a small matter of words—but, of course, as a student of the LSAT, you know how important word choices can be! What puzzles me is that your second sentence says in essence that you could never find happiness living happily ever after. Maybe this is exactly what you wish to say, playing on a clever contrast between uses of the same word. But I wonder whether it is something other than (more important than?) happiness that you learned from your study of Hardy’s Tess cannot be reconciled with the Disney version of happiness. I don’t know whether you will want to replace the word “happiness” or not; but since it is such an important point that you are making, it might be worth thinking through the explanation you would offer to me of exactly what you meant in that sentence, which may help you to further elucidate your idea to yourself.

I hope this is helpful!
Laura