Addendum - too much?

[mandychristine]

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[Dave Killoran]

Hi Mandy (or do you prefer Amanda?),

Thanks for posting this! I've added a few thoughts below. As always, before adding my comments, I'll give my standard disclaimer that I'm trying to be as direct as possible because this is the time where you can't have a misstep. So, if it ever sounds harsh (I hope not), just know it isn't meant that way—I'm trying to help you produce the best possible application

Ok, that said, I'm not totally sold that this addendum is necessary, but if you do submit it, I would suggest several changes.

First, there are so many details in the opening paragraph that I think you lose the reader. It's hard to see the big picture when it's obscured behind so much information. Fortunately, I don't think most of it is necessary. For example, the exact jobs you held won't make a difference to the committee; knowing that it was two jobs during school is enough. Consequently, I think you can safely delete every parenthetical in the entire statement.

Second, the second paragraph seems less fluent than the first, and has a choppier feel. I understand what you are doing here in regard to the major switch, but I would lead with more of a discussion of changing majors as opposed to that only being clear midway through the paragraph.

Last, and perhaps most importantly, I think you need a clearer statement that your current GPA (around 3.55 probably?) isn't representative. That information is in here, but I feel like you make the reader draw the conclusion about what you are saying, as opposed to making it clear up front (and that's what you need to do since they don't have a lot of time for these; yes, your GPA is on your records but you never want them to have to search for another piece of paper if you can avoid it). An addendum requires a certain degree of directness and clarity that isn't always needed in a personal statement. You want the reader to walk away saying, "Hmm, that made a lot of sense. I see why that isn't a big deal now."

As I said before, I'm not sold that this is needed, but in an improved form it probably wouldn't hurt your chances. So, if you felt it was needed, I wouldn't object

I hope that helps. Thanks!

[mandychristine]

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[Dave Killoran]

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for the new version! This is what I want you to do: put this aside for two days, then come back to it and read it cold. While this version is better, you aren't pulling out the story elements of what happened (and yes, even in an addendum we adhere to the story format when possible ). As such, by the middle of the second paragraph you had lost me as a reader. I felt I had to fight to figure out what you were talking about, and I think this is happening because although you know your story extremely well (as you should!), the reader does not, and there are these little jumps and odd pieces of info that really impact the flow of the narrative.

There's also a problem because the first paragraph just jumps in and starts rolling without a reference point, and I don't know where it's going. You need a framework of sorts so the reader understands the story you are telling. The title about an upward grade trend is helpful, but it isn't sufficient, unfortunately. I think that at the moment you are really close to this, hence my suggestion to step away for a few days and not even look at it. I think it will help, because when you read this with fresh eyes some of the problems will jump out, and then you can fix them pretty easily.

The above may sound like I think this is far away from being ready, but I actually don't. The pieces are there; I just think they should be rearranged and then connected more smoothly.

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks!