Personal statement feedback

[laurag3494]

I know that personal statements about studying abroad and traveling are discouraged, but traveling has had such an impact on my life and my decision to pursue a career in law. Let me know what you think thanks for the help!


Four hundred and sixty three narrow steps later, I emerged from the packed and dense stairwell of the Duomo. Fresh air, blue skies, and the stunning view of Florence, Italy surrounded me. Although I have quite the fear of heights, my unease climbing up the confined stairwell quickly dissipated the moment I set my eyes on the picture-perfect sight before me. In that moment, as well as many other instances throughout my travels, I was proud of the experiences like this that have shaped me into the person I am today; a person who finds fulfillment in thinking outside of the box, working hard, and encountering new things.
My curiosities began when I was given the opportunity to travel to London, England in the third grade. Growing up in a small town I lived a very sheltered life, so going to London was a mixture of unfamiliar cultures and experiences, which, at a young age, gave me extremely unique knowledge. There are no words to describe my fascination with the museums, the history, and everything that the city of London had to offer. And at that instant, I fell in love: I formed an unbreakable bond with my deep passion for learning.
From that point on, I indulged myself in all the learning experiences that came my way. I strived to step out of my comfort zone; taking any chance I could to use my creativity and apply myself. I spent much of the time after my trip reading and educating myself about Europe and its diverse culture, hoping another shot to travel would come my way. Finally, I was granted the opportunity to go to England and France during my senior year of high school. While ecstatic to return to Europe, I will never forget how terrified I was to step off of my plane once it arrived in France. While my mother guided my first trip, this time I had to set aside the hometown luxuries I was accustomed to; I had to dive right into the European lifestyle and live with their customs. For the first time in my life, I was on my own, and I had to teach myself to be independent and self-sufficient.
It was this autonomy that led me to continue to pursue my dream of seeing the world. As a student at the University of Florida I knew that there were a multitude of study abroad options, but I also knew that being accepted for program would not be easy. While I had to overcome some obstacles to get onto this trip, one of the difficult feats was raising enough funds on my own to pay for the program. While enrolled in challenging summer courses, I worked at a summer camp everyday for the whole summer in order to save up money. My determination and dedication allowed me not only to raise enough money to fund my program to Florence, but also enough to travel to other cities throughout Europe. When I finally arrived in Florence, it was clear to me that all my efforts were worth it; I knew that I was going to have one of the most incredible learning experiences of my life. I allowed myself to completely indulge into the practices of each country that I visited. I will forever carry with me an understanding and appreciation for differences among various cultures.
During my travels, I gained vast knowledge about who I am and who I strive to be. The lessons that I’ve learned while abroad have stuck with me to this day. Immersing myself into unique cultural experiences has taught me perseverance, self-discipline, creativity, and many other values that are of great importance to me. These encounters have only further ignited my desire to study and practice the law, and with all the skills I’ve acquired, I am excited and prepared to face the challenge of attending law school.

[Dave Killoran]

I know that personal statements about studying abroad and traveling are discouraged, but traveling has had such an impact on my life and my decision to pursue a career in law. Let me know what you think thanks for the help!


Four hundred and sixty three narrow steps later, I emerged from the packed and dense stairwell of the Duomo. Fresh air, blue skies, and the stunning view of Florence, Italy surrounded me. Although I have quite the fear of heights, my unease climbing up the confined stairwell quickly dissipated the moment I set my eyes on the picture-perfect sight before me. In that moment, as well as many other instances throughout my travels, I was proud of the experiences like this that have shaped me into the person I am today; a person who finds fulfillment in thinking outside of the box, working hard, and encountering new things.
My curiosities began when I was given the opportunity to travel to London, England in the third grade. Growing up in a small town I lived a very sheltered life, so going to London was a mixture of unfamiliar cultures and experiences, which, at a young age, gave me extremely unique knowledge. There are no words to describe my fascination with the museums, the history, and everything that the city of London had to offer. And at that instant, I fell in love: I formed an unbreakable bond with my deep passion for learning.
From that point on, I indulged myself in all the learning experiences that came my way. I strived to step out of my comfort zone; taking any chance I could to use my creativity and apply myself. I spent much of the time after my trip reading and educating myself about Europe and its diverse culture, hoping another shot to travel would come my way. Finally, I was granted the opportunity to go to England and France during my senior year of high school. While ecstatic to return to Europe, I will never forget how terrified I was to step off of my plane once it arrived in France. While my mother guided my first trip, this time I had to set aside the hometown luxuries I was accustomed to; I had to dive right into the European lifestyle and live with their customs. For the first time in my life, I was on my own, and I had to teach myself to be independent and self-sufficient.
It was this autonomy that led me to continue to pursue my dream of seeing the world. As a student at the University of Florida I knew that there were a multitude of study abroad options, but I also knew that being accepted for program would not be easy. While I had to overcome some obstacles to get onto this trip, one of the difficult feats was raising enough funds on my own to pay for the program. While enrolled in challenging summer courses, I worked at a summer camp everyday for the whole summer in order to save up money. My determination and dedication allowed me not only to raise enough money to fund my program to Florence, but also enough to travel to other cities throughout Europe. When I finally arrived in Florence, it was clear to me that all my efforts were worth it; I knew that I was going to have one of the most incredible learning experiences of my life. I allowed myself to completely indulge into the practices of each country that I visited. I will forever carry with me an understanding and appreciation for differences among various cultures.
During my travels, I gained vast knowledge about who I am and who I strive to be. The lessons that I’ve learned while abroad have stuck with me to this day. Immersing myself into unique cultural experiences has taught me perseverance, self-discipline, creativity, and many other values that are of great importance to me. These encounters have only further ignited my desire to study and practice the law, and with all the skills I’ve acquired, I am excited and prepared to face the challenge of attending law school.

Hi Laura,

Thanks for posting your essay! The thing I always say about essay topics is that it's less about the topic, and a lot more about how you tell the story. Sure, travel is a theme that gets referenced a lot, but there's a difference between saying you've been to places and then really talking about how it has affected your life. If you can do that latter, it can work well. So, how well did you make that happen? I'd say you are on your way to getting that across, but you still have some work to do.

For example, I like the Duomo opening (and the Duomo is a great example of stunning architecture that could move someone to lose themselves in the experience). I like the reference to a fear of heights, but that then resolves to you being proud of yourself without much in the way of personal info. That, in my opinion, is not enough right there. As a reader, I want more. And I want more along the whole line of your essay. You reference the theme of overcoming discomfort, and this is a viable and accepted theme. The fear of heights hints at it, and then it looks like you will explore this in more detail when you tell the story of arriving in France. But, you simply mention that you had to be on your own and adjust. What I would do instead is talk about something specific that put you out of your comfort zone and expanded your horizons. Get personal with it. For example, a story along these lines would have resonated more with the readers in my opinion, and would have connected on a deeper level with them:

• "I stood before the Parisian shopkeeper, who was getting red in the face and raising his voice at me. With my stuttering French, I again tried to explain that I wanted the plat du jour, but he wouldn't listen to me as he looked at the growing line behind me. I could feel my face flushing with embarrassment, and the girl I used to be would have quietly slunk away and looked for a vending machine (which don't exist in Paris!). Instead, I stood my ground, took a deep breath, and asked him his name."

So, what's your reaction to that? Hopefully, it is to wonder what happens next, and at the same time to identify with this person in a foreign place who is under a very particular type of social pressure, one that most travelers have felt at one time or another. If that is how you reacted, then we just made a connection of sorts. You identified with me (as the writer), and that is the first step towards winning over the reader of a personal statement.

Ok, so it's my opinion that you need to put more of yourself into this. Tell the stories that made you who you are, and that made travel such a special experience. this is a short story about your life and what shaped you. Make sure you are the star

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks!