Personal Statement

[bclyne923]

Hi Dave/PowerScore Staff! I saw Dave's tweet about reviewing personal statements and would love if someone could take a look and any feedback is appreciated! It is a very rough draft and I feel the beginning starts out strong and gets weaker as it goes along with the second half needing the most work. I also need to shorten it a bit so it fits into two pages. Let me know what you think, thank you!


I walked into my professor’s office, introduced myself to the woman sitting at the table and sat across from her. Although I had never met this woman before, I felt as if she was an old friend. I opened her file, which I had already read over and over, again making sure I knew every detail of her case; I was prepared. I began asking questions about the information she provided and she began crying. Taken off guard and unsure of what to do, my reaction was to reach out and hold her hand. “It is going to be okay.” I told her. She seemed reassured but faced with the same situation, I do not think I would not have actually believed it We finished collecting information for her bankruptcy petition, she thanked us, multiple times, and she left. After acting as a paralegal for my first bankruptcy case through Bay Path University’s Bankruptcy Clinic I knew I was going into the right profession. I knew this woman needed our help and I was going to do everything in my power to help her. My professor and I worked on her case together all semester and seeing her smile after the case was over, made it all worth it.
Now as a volunteer in the clinic and a future lawyer, I find myself thinking about my first client. I often wonder how she and her granddaughter are doing, how their life is different now. Does she think about how we changed her life as much as I think about how much she has changed mine? Not only did she help to solidify my decision to go to law school, she also helped me to realize my desire to help others while learning more about a subject I am passionate about. The following semester I studied in Washington DC through the Washington Semester Program at American University. Because of my work in the Bankruptcy Clinic, I applied and received an internship with DC Law Students In Court, a non-profit law school clinical program that provides free legal services to Washington DC tenants in housing court. Once again I met clients, like my first client, who were faced with some of the most difficult decisions and were at the most difficult time in their life. I would have never thought about assisting in pro-bono legal aide without my first client’s influence.
I always knew I had a desire to help others, in whatever way I could and through opportunities on my undergraduate campus, I truly immersed myself in multiple leadership opportunities. As a Senior Orientation Leader, I helped first-year students move all of their belongings from the place they have called home for the last eighteen years to the place I now call my home, Bay Path University. As a peer tutor, I explain legal concepts to students who have the same eagerness about them that I did as a first year student; I love the look in their eyes when they finally “get it” and share the same passion for law as I do. Finally as a Resident Assistant for first year students, I have listened to my residents tell me their stories and I could never imagine dealing with the difficulties these young women have encountered in their short eighteen years. No matter how many times people tell me, “It’s just a job, don’t stress yourself out over other peoples problems” when referring to all of my roles on campus I cannot help but lay awake some nights worrying for them; Did this student do okay on her test? Is that student still unbelievably homesick? I haven’t seen her in a while, I wonder if she is okay? For me helping others through my “jobs” is more than a job, it is a responsibility that I truly and deeply care about.
All of these experiences have made me realize how fortunate I am to have been given the opportunities I have had and show people that even the first generation college student of Irish-Immigrant grandparents can succeed. With all of these opportunities, I have found my passion for law and helping others.
I have come to realize the things you do and experiences you have influence the person you become. For me, my experiences in Bay Path’s bankruptcy clinic, my semester in Washington DC and my role as a student leader on my undergraduate campus have made me who I am today but I know there is still room for improvement and growth. *I would also add a sentence or two to tailor it to the law school in which I am applying*

[Robert Carroll]

b,

This is a good start. I know it's a first draft, so I will only briefly point out that the grammar needs a bit of work (I'm sure you know that!). As far as the content, all your accomplishments sound great. In fact, it sounds like your experiences have given you an interest in the law and some familiarity with the profession you hope to practice in the future. What I find is that I want to know more specifics. Of course the schools don't want you to reveal any confidential information about the woman in the first part, but I think tipping the balance a bit away from how you and others felt and a bit toward what you substantively did may satisfy the reader's curiosity. I think it would also present you as a stronger candidate.

Robert Carroll

[Dave Killoran]

Hi B,

Thanks for posting this! I've fallen a bit behind due to all the essays being posted, but I or another PowerScore staff member will make a comment in the next several days.

Thanks for your patience!

[Nikki Siclunov]

I walked into my professor’s office, introduced myself to the woman sitting at the table and sat across from her. Although I had never met this woman before, I felt as if she was an old friend. I opened her file, which I had already read over and over, again making sure I knew every detail of her case; I was prepared. I began asking questions about the information she provided and she began crying. Taken off guard and unsure of what to do, my reaction was to reach out and hold her hand. “It is going to be okay.” I told her. She seemed reassured but faced with the same situation, I do not think I would not have actually believed it We finished collecting information for her bankruptcy petition, she thanked us, multiple times, and she left. After acting as a paralegal for my first bankruptcy case through Bay Path University’s Bankruptcy Clinic I knew I was going into the right profession. I knew this woman needed our help and I was going to do everything in my power to help her. My professor and I worked on her case together all semester and seeing her smile after the case was over, made it all worth it.
Now as a volunteer in the clinic and a future lawyer, I find myself thinking about my first client. I often wonder how she and her granddaughter are doing, how their life is different now. Does she think about how we changed her life as much as I think about how much she has changed mine? Not only did she help to solidify my decision to go to law school, she also helped me to realize my desire to help others while learning more about a subject I am passionate about. The following semester I studied in Washington DC through the Washington Semester Program at American University. Because of my work in the Bankruptcy Clinic, I applied and received an internship with DC Law Students In Court, a non-profit law school clinical program that provides free legal services to Washington DC tenants in housing court. Once again I met clients, like my first client, who were faced with some of the most difficult decisions and were at the most difficult time in their life. I would have never thought about assisting in pro-bono legal aide without my first client’s influence.
I always knew I had a desire to help others, in whatever way I could and through opportunities on my undergraduate campus, I truly immersed myself in multiple leadership opportunities. As a Senior Orientation Leader, I helped first-year students move all of their belongings from the place they have called home for the last eighteen years to the place I now call my home, Bay Path University. As a peer tutor, I explain legal concepts to students who have the same eagerness about them that I did as a first year student; I love the look in their eyes when they finally “get it” and share the same passion for law as I do. Finally as a Resident Assistant for first year students, I have listened to my residents tell me their stories and I could never imagine dealing with the difficulties these young women have encountered in their short eighteen years. No matter how many times people tell me, “It’s just a job, don’t stress yourself out over other peoples problems” when referring to all of my roles on campus I cannot help but lay awake some nights worrying for them; Did this student do okay on her test? Is that student still unbelievably homesick? I haven’t seen her in a while, I wonder if she is okay? For me helping others through my “jobs” is more than a job, it is a responsibility that I truly and deeply care about.
All of these experiences have made me realize how fortunate I am to have been given the opportunities I have had and show people that even the first generation college student of Irish-Immigrant grandparents can succeed. With all of these opportunities, I have found my passion for law and helping others.
I have come to realize the things you do and experiences you have influence the person you become. For me, my experiences in Bay Path’s bankruptcy clinic, my semester in Washington DC and my role as a student leader on my undergraduate campus have made me who I am today but I know there is still room for improvement and growth. *I would also add a sentence or two to tailor it to the law school in which I am applying*

Hi B,

I like your statement - it not only reflects your writing prowess, but also shows important personal qualities such as maturity, courage, and compassion. The willingness to help others, so frequently cited in law school admission essays, is well substantiated here. I was particularly fond of the way you began - with a story. It gave me a "hook" to keep on reading. Good job!

Your essay is structurally sound, although I would probably split the first paragraph into two. ("After acting as a paralegal..." is a good way to begin the second paragraph and add a bit more information as to what drew you to the clinic in the first place). Most of my specific criticisms have to do with problems on the sentence level and word flow. Your statement contains a few instances of improper syntax, punctuation, and word order. Overall, your style is appropriate for a law school admissions essay; however, you do have a tendency to use colloquial expressions, contractions, and clichés. You can improve your writing even more by expanding the range of your descriptive vocabulary, and limiting the repeated use of certain phrases. Also, try varying the structure of your complex sentences: "as a Senior Orientation Leader...", "as a peer tutor," "as a resident assistant," "as a paralegal" - it's too repetitive.

One last thing - in the last paragraph, you mention you're a first-generation college student of Irish-immigrant grandparents ("immigrant" should not be capitalized). Doesn't that make you, technically, a second-generation immigrant? Here's what I found on the subject:

The term first-generation can refer to either people who were born in one country and relocated to another at a young age, or to their children born in the country they have relocated to. The term second-generation refers to children of first-generation immigrants, and thus exhibits the same ambiguity.

Check out a number of really awesome resources that we have available that elaborate on the personal statement process and would likely prove useful for you, and anyone else reading this, to consider:

1. A ten-part blog series about all things personal statement.

2. Another blog post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran himself on personal statements.

Good luck!