Diversity Statement Feedback

[maxineshaw]

Hi! Here is my diversity essay, feedback is welcomed.

On April 29th, 2015 I marched from one end of Baltimore City to the other in solidarity for Freddie Gray. As several photographers scrambled to take my picture, I attributed their interest to my hastily-painted sign declaring “Black Lives Matter”, a phrase I never would have imagined myself pronouncing. I wondered if my face would become a symbol of the peaceful protests that had overcome my city. Immediately, the magnitude of the student-filled crowds dawned on me with each tender step I took. Here I was, a part of something much bigger than myself, and a long way from where I used to be mentally.

Growing up in a small Louisiana town, I struggled to find the perfect balance as a true African-American in a non-diverse community. As a first-generation Nigerian child living in a bilingual home that spoke more Igbo than English, great emphasis was placed on being proud of where I came from. I believed I was inherently “different” than others, despite having the same skin tone, a fact magnified by the complex syllables of my name. The plight of the black American was not mine, supposedly. Yet, despite my imaginary privilege, I faced the all-too-common tribulations as many of my black peers growing up in predominantly-Caucasian areas – disbelief at my proper dialect, behavior, or academic achievements, which often left me wondering what my place in society truly was.

After spending my college years in Baltimore, I became increasingly aware of the racial turmoil brewing right at my doorstep. I came to realize that while self-identifying is important, such titles do not excuse ignorance of the community’s troubles as a whole. That warm April day, I felt like an ordinary person, mixed in the gathering of hundreds of other students and residents of the city. Yet, that was the beauty of that moment. Despite the noticeable variances of ethnic backgrounds present in the cluster, our feet marched in synchronization as we chanted out, “It is our duty to fight for our freedom.”

I remember feeling excitement from the realization that history was being made, and I was engrossed in it. In those massive crowds, one’s particular background did not matter. It was by marching that I came to dissemble my subconscious privilege and embrace the distinct facets of my culture, both African and American. Rather than striving to maintain exclusivity of my identity, I learned that my experiences should not only be used to help educate others but to contribute to the thread of society. It is my hope that this personal knowledge will help add to the diversity and involvement of ______'s community.

[Dave Killoran]

Hi! Here is my diversity essay, feedback is welcomed.

On April 29th, 2015 I marched from one end of Baltimore City to the other in solidarity for Freddie Gray. As several photographers scrambled to take my picture, I attributed their interest to my hastily-painted sign declaring “Black Lives Matter”, a phrase I never would have imagined myself pronouncing. I wondered if my face would become a symbol of the peaceful protests that had overcome my city. Immediately, the magnitude of the student-filled crowds dawned on me with each tender step I took. Here I was, a part of something much bigger than myself, and a long way from where I used to be mentally.

Growing up in a small Louisiana town, I struggled to find the perfect balance as a true African-American in a non-diverse community. As a first-generation Nigerian child living in a bilingual home that spoke more Igbo than English, great emphasis was placed on being proud of where I came from. I believed I was inherently “different” than others, despite having the same skin tone, a fact magnified by the complex syllables of my name. The plight of the black American was not mine, supposedly. Yet, despite my imaginary privilege, I faced the all-too-common tribulations as many of my black peers growing up in predominantly-Caucasian areas – disbelief at my proper dialect, behavior, or academic achievements, which often left me wondering what my place in society truly was.

After spending my college years in Baltimore, I became increasingly aware of the racial turmoil brewing right at my doorstep. I came to realize that while self-identifying is important, such titles do not excuse ignorance of the community’s troubles as a whole. That warm April day, I felt like an ordinary person, mixed in the gathering of hundreds of other students and residents of the city. Yet, that was the beauty of that moment. Despite the noticeable variances of ethnic backgrounds present in the cluster, our feet marched in synchronization as we chanted out, “It is our duty to fight for our freedom.”

I remember feeling excitement from the realization that history was being made, and I was engrossed in it. In those massive crowds, one’s particular background did not matter. It was by marching that I came to dissemble my subconscious privilege and embrace the distinct facets of my culture, both African and American. Rather than striving to maintain exclusivity of my identity, I learned that my experiences should not only be used to help educate others but to contribute to the thread of society. It is my hope that this personal knowledge will help add to the diversity and involvement of ______'s community.

Hi Maxine,

Thanks for posting your essay! Overall, I think this is very interesting, which is the response you want from Adcomm readers. I especially like the first line because it paints an immediate portrait of what you were doing, as well as where you might go with the essay. So, well done on that front!

I would make a few changes here, so let's talk about those. First, I would suggest running this through your editing process a few more times. There are moments where it feels choppy, and I think that could be smoothed out with some additional editing.

Second, I'd examine some of the statements you make in the essay with an eye towards making those either resonate more, or have better context or clarity. For example, in the second paragraph, you mention a "non-diverse community" and then "having the same skin tone." That stopped me for a moment as I worked out the specifics of the situation you were describing. Any time the reader has to stop to puzzle things out, it's not what you want, so look at each statement you make here and consider it from the readers point of view, and if you aren't sure they'd automatically get what you are saying, then clarify it. While doing that, I'd also look at some of your word choices. For example, in "the magnitude of the student-filled crowds dawned on me with each tender step I took," I felt like the word "tender" was out of place. Here you are in a solidarity march where I imagine there was a palpable anger, yet your steps are tender? It seemed contradictory. Now, it may not be, and you may have indeed meant "tender." But if so, I'd add more info so it's perfectly clear to the reader.

Last, I'd suggest possibly adding a law school connection near the end. In most cases, I don't believe that making the connection to law school is necessary or even desirable, but in this instance I do. I feel like you have a unique viewpoint, and I believe that if you were able to briefly discuss bringing this viewpoint to law school, it would make the reader even better able to picture you at their school (which is, again, a really desirable thing to produce in these readers).

I think this has a lot of promise, and, with some relatively minor adjustments, will be a real asset to your application. Please let me know if that helps. Thanks!