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 ahdez28
  • Posts: 2
  • Joined: Jan 23, 2016
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#21952
Hello Dave. So below I will post a draft of my personal statement. I am starting to feel a bit unsure if I am going in the right direction with it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!


Some of my most lasting memories as a child are when my father would tell me stories about my great grandfather’s experiences during the Mexican Revolution. These stories had been told to my father and they were now being passed on to me as the Mexican Revolution had a lasting effect in improving my family’s living conditions and economic opportunities. Learning about great revolutionaries and political figures and what they did to try and help bring equality and opportunity to millions of people such as my great grandfather was extremely inspiring. These stories helped spur my interest in politics, government and the serving of others and ultimately helped me decide to pursue a degree in political science when I entered X University. I wanted to be able to one day use my education to help improve the lives of others.

Helping others is something I was fortunate enough to be able to do during my time as an undergraduate student. I was able to do this by getting involved in various extracurricular activities but the most meaningful one for me came the summer after my first year of college when I was hired as a community organizing intern for the City of Oakland. I was born and raised in Oakland so growing up I saw firsthand the social problems that plagued my community therefore I was extremely motivated to help in any way I could. Our target for the summer was to help keep crime rates down in neighborhoods that have historically been plagued with high murder and crime rates. Some of my duties included reaching out to residents and educating them on what steps and actions they could take to do their part in making their neighborhoods safer. I also helped organize community events geared towards conflict diffusion and violence prevention. During this time I met many people who had lost loved ones to violence in the city but there was one encounter in particular that had a tremendous impact on me, when I met the family of 3-year old boy who had lost his life after being struck by a stray bullet. Despite all the pain and suffering this family had endured, they were helping us in our efforts to make our community safer. The strength and courage of this family was very inspiring and it provided me with greater motivation to serve my community.

My time as an intern was a chance for me to see what life would be like in a career where I served the public and I knew immediately that it was something I would love to do. But during my time as an intern I also realized that the extent to which I could help people in my community would be extremely limited with only a bachelor’s degree. I realized that the violence that plagues my community is the result of failed policies and laws that leave large portions of communities like the one I grew up in undereducated, in poverty, and therefore extremely vulnerable to these social problems. Meaningful progress on such issues can be best made by fighting these failed policies and laws and advocating for reform; an education in law will allow me to do this.

If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that I want to pursue an education in law. I want to be able to one day apply my knowledge of politics and law and serve communities like the one I grew up in. Whether it be at a city, state, or national level my goal in life is to one day be in a position where I can help improve people’s lives on a large-scale. I know that it will not be easy getting there, nor will the task be simple, but I am willing and determined to put in the work necessary to reach my goal.
 Clay Cooper
PowerScore Staff
  • PowerScore Staff
  • Posts: 241
  • Joined: Jul 03, 2015
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#21965
Hi ahdez,

Dave is the reigning expert on personal statements, and he may want to answer your post, but I have a couple of observations that might be useful to you.

With regard to the following suggestions, know that they are the products of my having been taught by my Legal Research and Writing professors how to write like an attorney, in a year-long course. Law school professors will be reading your personal statement, and they will be impressed if you can use the style and technique they are going to teach you before you arrive.

The following comments are super-critical, as editing naturally is; please don't think that your essay is ineffective. That is not the case. There is always room for improvement, however.

First, a couple of technical observations:

It appears that, in several places, you have compound sentences lacking a comma near the conjunction.

In the first paragraph, 'the serving of others' is unnecessarily wordy and would be more effective if it were simplified to be 'serving others'.

'large-scale' should not be hyphenated unless it is an adjective. Use 'large scale' instead.

'I wanted to be able to one day use my education...' - do you still want that? If so, the verb should probably be in the present tense.

Cliches - Law professors do not like cliches, and cliches tend to make an essay less persuasive. They are sneaky and tend to end up in my writing without my knowledge, but I have to try to eliminate them if I want to be persuasive. I see a couple: "If there is one thing that I know for certain," and "pain and suffering" (this is a cliche, since its technical, legal meaning does not apply here).

Finally, I would encourage you to focus on being concise. Law professors love concise writing, and concise writing is persuasive. Any word that does not need to be there should not be there. If there is a simpler way to say anything, use the simpler way.

Your essay is effective and I believe that you want to obtain a law degree to help your community and others like it. Keep working hard, this looks great and will get even better!
 ahdez28
  • Posts: 2
  • Joined: Jan 23, 2016
|
#21985
Clay,

Thank you for the feedback! Good to know I'm headed in the right direction.

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