Personal Statement

[hollana1]

Dave, can you please send me some feedback on my personal statement? Thank you!


Beep… Beep… Beep… I can still hear the sounds of the machinery that kept my Grandpa alive, during what would be his last three months of life. Unfortunately, these noises have become all too familiar. My father died at the young age of 31; my mother, who was also 31 at the time, was left alone to raise a set of two-month-old twin boys and a five-year-old girl. Unlike my grandfather, my father did not die of cancer; however, if given the choice, I’m not sure what I would choose: a fatal, work-related accident or a sudden diagnosis of terminal cancer. Regardless, both of these deaths greatly impacted my life, and I can’t help but believe that these two men – even in their absence – have molded me, and continue to mold me, into the woman I am today. I learned early on that life can be cruel, and at times, unfair. In fact, it was only two years after my grandfather’s death that my 46-year-old uncle – the last remaining father figure in my life – was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. At this point, I feel like I should clarify my motives for discussing these tragedies: I am not seeking pity, but rather, understanding, of who I am, where I come from, and who I long to be. Through these tragedies, I have not only developed a strong work ethic, determination, and resiliency, but also a sense of purpose. As a young girl living in a single-parent household, I knew that I did not want to become just another statistic. At five years old, my whole life changed; but with change comes adaptation, and if there are lessons to be learned through tragedy and death, it is that of spiritual endurance and the necessary willpower to achieve the unthinkable. This is only a glimpse of my story, but it has helped shape me into the person that I am today.

Since my father’s death, I have played and coached soccer. It was soccer that removed me from the comfort of my hometown to a new and unfamiliar place: Monroe, Louisiana. I was only seventeen years old when my mother dropped me off halfway across the country, but little did I know, this unfamiliar place would soon become my home for almost seven years. In an effort to be completely transparent, I will admit that I despised the soccer program and the university that I chose to attend. My reasoning, though, was particularly related to soccer: I hated losing. One day, I called my mother to inform her that I was thinking about transferring at the end of the semester. I had a scholarship waiting at the university back home, and they had the one thing that I wanted: a successful soccer program. I will never forget what my mother told me that day: “You are an adult, and you may do as you please. But I would be doing you a great disservice if I did not warn you before making this decision. If you quit now, you will quit everything for the rest of your life.” Though my seventeen-year-old self did not fully understand her reasoning at the time, I know I do now. For example, at the beginning of my freshman year, my advisor informed me that I would not be able to earn both a degree in political science and a degree in criminal justice during the course of my four years at the university. He told me that this feat would be too difficult to attain in the midst of collegiate sports, social distractions, and any other extracurricular activities. Fortunately, my heart was set on completing both degrees despite my advisor’s discouraging words. But, please do not misunderstand my intentions; it was not to prove my advisor wrong, but rather, to prove myself right.

At the age of twenty-four years old, I have experienced a great deal of success and failure, with failure most often preceding my ultimate success. Through my experiences, I have discovered that life necessitates a consistent work ethic, a passionate heart, and the resiliency to bounce back when both of these elements fail. I know that I am so fortunate to have had such great leaders, role models, and mentors, who all exemplified these traits, but who also inspired me to live my life in the same manner. If it were not for my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Thomas, I would probably not be submitting law school applications. But it was she who first saw my potential in the classroom, and armed me with the skills needed to maximize it. My dream to attend law school stems from this fourth grade classroom, where I discovered a genuine interest in government and the law. Additionally, I encountered a wonderful mentor in college, who began investing in me as a young undergraduate student, and who continually invests in me as a graduate student working under his leadership through my university’s Social Science Research Laboratory and the Delta Regional Authority. Ultimately, these people and my life experiences have inspired me to pursue my dreams of entering the field of law. And though it is a difficult task to adequately describe who I am and what I am determined to do in a brief statement, I am hopeful that I have described myself as someone with the passion and the potential to perform well in a law school setting. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

[Dave Killoran]

Dave, can you please send me some feedback on my personal statement? Thank you!


Beep… Beep… Beep… I can still hear the sounds of the machinery that kept my Grandpa alive, during what would be his last three months of life. Unfortunately, these noises have become all too familiar. My father died at the young age of 31; my mother, who was also 31 at the time, was left alone to raise a set of two-month-old twin boys and a five-year-old girl. Unlike my grandfather, my father did not die of cancer; however, if given the choice, I’m not sure what I would choose: a fatal, work-related accident or a sudden diagnosis of terminal cancer. Regardless, both of these deaths greatly impacted my life, and I can’t help but believe that these two men – even in their absence – have molded me, and continue to mold me, into the woman I am today. I learned early on that life can be cruel, and at times, unfair. In fact, it was only two years after my grandfather’s death that my 46-year-old uncle – the last remaining father figure in my life – was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. At this point, I feel like I should clarify my motives for discussing these tragedies: I am not seeking pity, but rather, understanding, of who I am, where I come from, and who I long to be. Through these tragedies, I have not only developed a strong work ethic, determination, and resiliency, but also a sense of purpose. As a young girl living in a single-parent household, I knew that I did not want to become just another statistic. At five years old, my whole life changed; but with change comes adaptation, and if there are lessons to be learned through tragedy and death, it is that of spiritual endurance and the necessary willpower to achieve the unthinkable. This is only a glimpse of my story, but it has helped shape me into the person that I am today.

Since my father’s death, I have played and coached soccer. It was soccer that removed me from the comfort of my hometown to a new and unfamiliar place: Monroe, Louisiana. I was only seventeen years old when my mother dropped me off halfway across the country, but little did I know, this unfamiliar place would soon become my home for almost seven years. In an effort to be completely transparent, I will admit that I despised the soccer program and the university that I chose to attend. My reasoning, though, was particularly related to soccer: I hated losing. One day, I called my mother to inform her that I was thinking about transferring at the end of the semester. I had a scholarship waiting at the university back home, and they had the one thing that I wanted: a successful soccer program. I will never forget what my mother told me that day: “You are an adult, and you may do as you please. But I would be doing you a great disservice if I did not warn you before making this decision. If you quit now, you will quit everything for the rest of your life.” Though my seventeen-year-old self did not fully understand her reasoning at the time, I know I do now. For example, at the beginning of my freshman year, my advisor informed me that I would not be able to earn both a degree in political science and a degree in criminal justice during the course of my four years at the university. He told me that this feat would be too difficult to attain in the midst of collegiate sports, social distractions, and any other extracurricular activities. Fortunately, my heart was set on completing both degrees despite my advisor’s discouraging words. But, please do not misunderstand my intentions; it was not to prove my advisor wrong, but rather, to prove myself right.

At the age of twenty-four years old, I have experienced a great deal of success and failure, with failure most often preceding my ultimate success. Through my experiences, I have discovered that life necessitates a consistent work ethic, a passionate heart, and the resiliency to bounce back when both of these elements fail. I know that I am so fortunate to have had such great leaders, role models, and mentors, who all exemplified these traits, but who also inspired me to live my life in the same manner. If it were not for my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Thomas, I would probably not be submitting law school applications. But it was she who first saw my potential in the classroom, and armed me with the skills needed to maximize it. My dream to attend law school stems from this fourth grade classroom, where I discovered a genuine interest in government and the law. Additionally, I encountered a wonderful mentor in college, who began investing in me as a young undergraduate student, and who continually invests in me as a graduate student working under his leadership through my university’s Social Science Research Laboratory and the Delta Regional Authority. Ultimately, these people and my life experiences have inspired me to pursue my dreams of entering the field of law. And though it is a difficult task to adequately describe who I am and what I am determined to do in a brief statement, I am hopeful that I have described myself as someone with the passion and the potential to perform well in a law school setting. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

Hi H,

Very interesting essay. Thanks for sharing it! That first sentence really gets your attention (especially me, because I went through something like this with my family much too recently), as does the string of tragedies thereafter. The one thing that pulls back from this paragraph is that I feel the transition to your main discussion could be stronger, in part because they already know you are taking about these things to tell them who you are (and they appreciate that). I'd also re-think this sentence and its position: "Through these tragedies, I have not only developed a strong work ethic, determination, and resiliency, but also a sense of purpose," mainly because this is a "tell" sentence that doesn't have direct proof. Show me instead by relating some of the things you did in the wake of those tragedies, or delay that sentence until after you've more strongly established the truth of those claims. As an example for other readers, it's like meeting someone who tells you that they are very brave right out of the gate. Are you buying that at first? No, and it doesn't come off well. Far better for them to wait a while to say that, after they've told a few stories that showed how brave they are. The sentence in your essay isn't egregious, but you don't even want to move in the direction of broad, bold claims until there's more of a foundation for it.

Your admission in the second paragraph is an interesting one. Did you come to love that program eventually, though? If so, I'd say that right there. Otherwise, it might sound a bit petty, and you don't want that. The part I like about this paragraph involves your mom, but I don't love what wraps around it.

As you move into the third paragraph, I feel like it gets a bit more scattered. Mrs. Thomas comes out of the blue, and she was not who I thought you'd be referring to after what you talked about in the first two paragraphs.

In a sense, I feel like this is a set of snapshots that aren't perfectly related, and after a really good start, it falls off the pace a bit. Does that make sense? I'd like to see you develop a bit more of a unifying theme and then stay on point throughout (tough to do but necessary). If you can do that, I think this could be good. But right now it's a bit jumbled (which, by the way, is no crime—every essay I've read today has suffered from that a little bit).

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks!