Personal Statement Feedback

[roshan07]

Hello! I've been working on this and would like the opinion of someone else. I really want to make sure this sounds relevant and, of course, that it is well written. I feel like it is short, but I'm not sure. Thank you all so much!

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I parked my car, took a deep breath, and walked through the double-doors of what looked like an old elementary school. In the classroom there was a diverse group of people, both old and young, either giving help or hoping to receive it. I was at the International House in Charlotte, NC, a non-profit organization for those who sought help learning English and preparing for the US Citizenship Examination. I sat down and waited to be assigned a tutee. When my name was called and I was told the name of my tutee, I approached her, appearing to be excited, but with a feeling of faux confidence. I was teaching someone who drove across town and put their faith into me not being a waste of their time. It wasn’t that I doubted my abilities, but, coming from a family of immigrants, I saw how my parents sometimes struggled with English when conversing with me.

I was tutoring Ana, an immigrant in her lower forties from Bulgaria, there with her baby daughter. She looked at me as if my youth had no new knowledge to offer her, and I was somewhat intimidated by the age difference. We immediately began the session after introducing ourselves, and in the back of my mind I thought about the significance of what I was doing. During all my undergraduate years I studied political philosophy, but found it lacking in the way my education can be used to have a tangible impact on others. Yet here I was, using the knowledge I’ve had all my life and making a difference in the life of someone twice my age.

As the weeks went by the tutoring sessions turned into what seemed like a conversation, Ana was learning simply by being immersed in conversation. She showed me the effort she was putting into learning a new language, reading books and having multiple online tutors. She pulled out her phone and showed me her Facebook group, filled with European immigrants working together to improve their English. Although my parents are also immigrants, I never experienced first-hand, the mentality and struggle that went into moving to a country that I’ve been acclimated to simply by being born there. Tutoring Ana was like time traveling back to when my parents first came to the United States, providing a glimpse of what they had to go through to be where they are today. It was here that I learned how I wanted to use my intellectual curiosity to pursue something that is rooted in ideas but can be applied to have an impact on those around me. I’ve spent countless hours of my free time reading the works of various political theorists, but I knew I wanted more out of life than sitting in the armchair of philosophy. Through the conversation and laughs that we shared, I knew I wasn’t the waste of time I feared of being. I overcame my sense of being inconsequential.

It was during this summer that I learned the power of direct action within the community. About two months after I started tutoring I also helped organize an event on police interactions with a local criminal attorney. Over a hundred people attended to discuss citizens’ rights with a panel of judges, police chiefs, and lawyers. The tangible impact I helped produce gave me a sense of pride and importance. I had a feeling of self-worth that I hadn’t experienced by receiving an A on a paper or answering a question correctly in class. These experiences have helped solidify why I want to become a lawyer. I questioned my philosophical studies, but realized that ideas and actions weren’t in contrast to each other, but ideas were at the root of how we act. My desire to pursue a career that values ideas but also has an impact on the real world is what leads me to the law. I find myself being a lawyer, satisfied with the same feelings I had from tutoring Ana, or reaching out to those in my community.

[Nikki Siclunov]

I parked my car, took a deep breath, and walked through the double-doors of what looked like an old elementary school. In the classroom there was a diverse group of people, both old and young, either giving help or hoping to receive it. I was at the International House in Charlotte, NC, a non-profit organization for those who sought help learning English and preparing for the US Citizenship Examination. I sat down and waited to be assigned a tutee. When my name was called and I was told the name of my tutee, I approached her, appearing to be excited, but with a feeling of faux confidence. I was teaching someone who drove across town and put their faith into me not being a waste of their time.
I was tutoring Ana, an immigrant in her lower forties from Bulgaria, there with her baby daughter. She looked at me as if my youth had no new knowledge to offer her, and I was somewhat intimidated by the age difference. We immediately began the session after introducing ourselves, and in the back of my mind I thought about the significance of what I was doing. During all my undergraduate years I studied political philosophy, but found it lacking in the way my education can be used to have a tangible impact on others. Yet here I was, using the knowledge I’ve had all my life and making a difference in the life of someone twice my age.
As the weeks went by the tutoring sessions turned into what seemed like a conversation, Ana was learning simply by being immersed in conversation. She showed me the effort she was putting into learning a new language, reading books and having multiple online tutors. She pulled out her phone and showed me her Facebook group, filled with European immigrants working together to improve their English. Although my parents are also immigrants, I never experienced first-hand, the mentality and struggle that went into moving to a country that I’ve been acclimated to simply by being born there. It was here that I learned how I wanted to use my intellectual curiosity to pursue something that is rooted in ideas but can be applied to have an impact on those around me. I’ve spent countless hours of my free time reading the works of various political theorists, but I knew I wanted more out of life than sitting in the armchair of philosophy. Through the conversation and laughs that we shared, I knew I wasn’t the waste of time I feared of being. I overcame my sense of being inconsequential.
It was during this summer that I learned the power of direct action within the community. About two months after I started tutoring I also helped organize an event on police interactions with a local criminal attorney. Over a hundred people attended to discuss citizens’ rights with a panel of judges, police chiefs, and lawyers. The tangible impact I helped produce gave me a sense of pride and importance. I had a feeling of self-worth that I hadn’t experienced from receiving an A on a paper or answering a question correctly in class. These experiences have helped solidify why I want to become a lawyer. I questioned my philosophical studies, but realized that ideas and actions weren’t in contrast to each other, but ideas were at the root of how we act. My desire to pursue a career that values ideas but also has an impact on the real world is what leads me to the law. I find myself being a lawyer, satisfied with the same feelings I had from tutoring Ana, or reaching out to those in my community.

Hey roshan07,

Thanks for sharing your statement with us. I enjoyed reading it very much. You successfully outline a schism between your intellectual pursuits and desire to have a tangible impact on the lives of others, and use this distinction as a way to illustrate why you're applying to law school (instead of, say, a PhD program in Philosophy).

Admittedly, I would have been even happier with your statement if you noted that the two - the life of the mind and the duty to serve - are not exactly antithetical. One could even say that they reinforce each other. Perhaps learning about philosophy helped you appreciate the moral and ethical responsibilities you have toward others; after all, this is what makes the backbone of a civil society. Likewise, isn't it true that your experiences helping others gave you a new perspective on the theoretical postulates you studied in college? If not, it should have. After working with the Bulgarian woman, I'd wonder, for instance, what it means to be an "alien"? The notion of Otherness, so frequently discussed in philosophy, inevitably acquires a new dimension when you deal with it first hand. Discuss how.

Bottom line is, your statement is quite good as it is now: it has a coherent story, you start with an interesting "hook," and I wanted to read on. However, I think you can do better. After all, law schools are well aware that many humanities majors end up pursuing a law degree because of the practical benefits such a degree confers. This line of reasoning is nothing new, and probably won't make a big impression. If you spin it around, however, and show that the two are mutually constitutive elements - something you didn't realize until you started volunteering - well, that would be far more intriguing.

On a separate note, you need to clean up your language for both style and syntax. For one thing, you have a tendency to write run-on sentences:

As the weeks went by the tutoring sessions turned into what seemed like a conversation, Ana was learning simply by being immersed in conversation.

Other times, your sentence structure is just a bit off

Although my parents are also immigrants, I never experienced first-hand, the mentality and struggle that went into moving to a country that I’ve been acclimated to simply by being born there.

Also, your choice of words is occasionally stilted and needs to be revised:

Through the conversation and laughs that we shared, I knew I wasn’t the waste of time I feared of being.

One more thing: I am not thrilled with the last sentence in your statement:

I find myself being a lawyer, satisfied with the same feelings I had from tutoring Ana, or reaching out to those in my community.

To say that you "find yourself being a lawyer" sounds a bit strange. Also, you can do better than conclude that you simply want to reach out and help others. This is a cliche you want to stay away from. (If that's all there is to it, you might as well work as a counselor in public service - no law degree required ). What I thought you'd say is that law school represents a synergy between theory and practice, between intellectual pursuit and direct action. That would have a much better ring to it.

Check out a number of really awesome resources that we have available that elaborate on the personal statement process and would likely prove useful for you, and anyone else reading this, to consider:

1. A ten-part blog series about all things personal statement.

2. Another blog post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran himself on personal statements.

These statements are really difficult to write, but keep writing, editing, re-reading, writing again, and you can polish this up nicely I think. If you need help, let us know—this is a perfect candidate for one of our Personal statement packages.

Good luck!

[roshan07]

awesome! thank you so much, this literally made my day! I felt stuck and I feel like I know exactly in what direction I want to go in now. THANK YOU!!

[Jon Denning]

Nice work here, both of you! I debated adding a congratulatory comment, but this thread made me happy and I couldn't resist

Best of luck with the revisions roshan!