Can anyone help edit my statement of intent please?

[pmills]

Coming from a remote area can make a person feel marginalized. Growing up the youngest person in a large, poor family and feeling very self conscious as can make a person feel powerless and invisible. Yet I learned as a small child that Justice sees inequality and fights to balance the scales of society. Justice stands up for the weak and defends the powerless. I want to defend and protect human rights. I want to dedicate my life to this profession so that I can use my abilities to serve and protect my fellow citizens. I want to learn to develop my mind so that I can become a tool for change.
Perhaps you will be interested to learn a little more about me. I grew up in the small, rural, northern town called _______- and have overcome significant adversity in my life. I was raised in a family of seven on the modest income of my mother. By age eleven I became interested in pursuing a career in law after reinacting a trial of jack and the magic bean stock. When I was 13 year old I lost a sister as a result of a car accident. She survived for six weeks in a coma but passed away due to severe trauma to her brain and body.
Rather than succumbing to the hardship I have experienced and allowing myself to be defeated by the odds which have statistically stacked against my achieving much more than a job at the mill, I have strived to be a trail blazer and a role model for my community. _________ is a place where education and living standards are low. Many of the community members struggle with addiction abuse. The year I graduated from high school two classmates and friends were killed in a car accident caused by drug induced impairment. Another was later killed in what is suspected to be a gang related murder. Although I could have easily strayed down a similar path, instead I tried to set a good example for the youth in my community. I was a member of the B.C. Youth Parliament, the school leadership team, I started a French club, a tutor, a red cross certified youth peer facilitator, and a basketball coach. I am still considered a a mentor and a role model to empower aboriginal and non-aboriginal youth to build a strong future for our community. Overcoming my adverse background, I graduated from high school as my class' Valedictorian, receiving a four year tuition scholarship to ___- and the Governor General's award for outstanding academic achievement.
The in the summer before I started university two of my friends, fellow graduates, were killed in a car accident resulting from drug induced impairment. I was having trouble processing this trauma when I entered _______. For the first time in my life I was living away from my family in Vancouver, struggling to live off of student loans, and I decided that I wanted to live closer to my family at this time. I was not ready to embrace the amazing opportunity that I had.
I transferred to --------- January 2009 on a full tuition scholarship. The stress of financial hardship and the continued decline of my father’s health took a toll on my performance over the course of my degree. My father has struggled most of his life with heart disease and diabetes, and is now fighting cancer. As a result he has not been able to contribute any significant income to the family income for most of my life.

Being aware of the hardship that health problems can cause in a family and community, I have devoted some of my spare time to being an advocate, supporter and volunteer for healthy living promotion and causes such as run for the cure, light up the night marathon to cure lymphoma cancer, jump rope for heart, and the Shinerama fundraising drive for Cystic fibrosis. I also won the UVIC total body fitness challenge and was able to personally lose over 30 Ibs. I am now an avid hiker, biker, jogger and participate in the tri-port Dragon Boat society.


Throughout university I worked hard to learn how to use my skills to better serve the community and strove for high academic standards. I was the first person from UNBC to completed a degree in English and Environmental Studies. During my undergraduate degree I was actively involved in the many non-profit organizations, clubs and community initiatives. For one year I served as the secretary for the Northern Undergraduate Student Union, and operated the ________ food bank. I also had the opportunity to do an internship under the Green University Research Centre’s head of research. In my final year at I transferred to UVIC. I was elected an executive member of the ______ community garden. In 2012, the year I graduated from university, I was privileged enough to be inducted into the Golden Key International Honours Society for receiving academic achievement within the top 15% of my university.

After university I decided to go the extra mile to pursue my dream to study of the Canadian Justice system and the law. Currently I work as a court clerk and registry operator for the Ministry of Justice in isolated __________ .I relocated to ______ seven months ago by myself for work, having never visited the town, or knowing anyone within a five hour driving distance or having set foot in a court house. My interest in the justice system gave me enough determination to uproot my life so that I might gain experience in the legal field. Thus I consider myself very fortunate to be able to receive such a hands on experience of the Justice system. I work with one other employee, a Justice of the Peace named ___-, to locally facilitate court services to the Northern Vancouver Island area. The court conditions are extreme; we work long hours with a high volume of files and a changing judicial rota crown counsel rota. Although this position has been challenging, I have found it to be incredibly rewarding. The courthouse where I spend my days is located at the back of an old strip mall next to a recycling depot and fish packaging plant.
As a result of this experience my respect and faith in the Canadian Justice system has been reinforced. I have been astounded to witness the efforts made by our judicial system by using logic and reason to find order in the sometimes chaotic issues which arise in this community. In my time as a court clerk I have had the privilege of working and learning alongside prestigious Judiciary and Bar members such as the honourable Judges________________________________. Having the opportunity to work in both the courtroom and the registry has affirmed my passion for justice and ambition to learn and practice the Law at ____________.
From age eleven it has been my goal to become a qualified lawyer. Having lived in two rural towns with significant Aboriginal populations I have become extremely interested in First Nations/Treaty law, and environmental policy in Canada. Because I have previously taken courses on these subject areas, and have now worked in the justice system I am certain that I wish to pursue a career in the legal field. Furthermore, I am preparing to take the LSAT during the October sitting.
I hope that you will consider my application, and allow me the opportunity to study law under the highly prestigeous professors in this world renowned program. Thanks _____- * copyright pmills 2013

[Dave Killoran]

Hi P,

Fully editing an personal statement of this length is beyond the scope of what we can do here, but I'll provide a few comments that will hopefully help. If you are looking for serious personal statement editing, then I'd refer you to one of our more comprehensive programs.

Ok, that aside, let me make a few brief observations (I'm going to be blunt at times--this isn't personal, just a means of getting to the truth as quickly as possible ). First, this is quite long, and you have included a lot of information, some of which I'd argue is non-essential. I think this would benefit from several rewrites and cutdowns, and as you make those rewrites, consider how you want to present yourself to the committee (for more on this, see http://www.youtube.com/user/PowerScoreTestPrep, specifically this video on the personal statement: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In66yk6c ... 45A2BBF711).

As you review what you have written, keep in mind that every word is critical; nothing should be missing and there should be nothing extra. Your essay should make a cogent case for your admission by following a taut storyline that smoothly draws the reader along, resulting in the obvious conclusion that you are an interesting person who they would like to have at their school. With that in mind, here are just a few examples of sentences that should be removed or streamlined:

• "Perhaps you will be interested to learn a little more about me." - You don't need to say this; inherent in the admissions process is the fact that they want to learn more about you.
  
  
  "Although I could have easily strayed down a similar path, instead I tried to set a good example for the youth in my community." - Take a moment to consider this statement if it is accepted at face value. After this sentence you list a set of achievements; did you do those simply for the benefit of others, to show a good example? Probably not, mainly because you benefited from those achievements. When someone reads a sentence like this inside an essay, it strikes an inauthentic note, and casts doubts on the entire essay.
  
  
  "I am still considered a a mentor and a role model to empower aboriginal and non-aboriginal youth to build a strong future for our community." - One thing we stress when editing statements of intent is, "Show, Don't Tell." It's a short-story device, and we use it because these essays are short stories--about you. When you make a claim like the one here without any backing evidence, it doesn't hit home with any impact, because you haven't shown us anything about the claim. I'd refer you back to the first paragraph of your essay for more examples of this.
  
  
  "Being aware of the hardship that health problems can cause in a family and community, I have devoted some of my spare time to being an advocate, supporter and volunteer for healthy living promotion and causes such as run for the cure, light up the night marathon to cure lymphoma cancer, jump rope for heart, and the Shinerama fundraising drive for Cystic fibrosis. I also won the UVIC total body fitness challenge and was able to personally lose over 30 Ibs. I am now an avid hiker, biker, jogger and participate in the tri-port Dragon Boat society." - This paragraph is a good example of one that contains interesting ideas, but then gets dragged down with extraneous information. The first part suggests you are active in the community, and supplies a good reason for why you would be active (when combined with the prior paragraph). Starting with "I won the UVIC...," you simply list your achievements, and this doesn't resonate with readers.
  
  
  "Throughout university I worked hard..." This entire paragraph falls into what we call the Resume Trap, and paragraphs like this tend to bore the reader (sorry!). This info is better placed on your resume. Use your space to tell us who you are!
  
  
  "As a result of this experience my respect and faith in the Canadian Justice system has been reinforced. I have been astounded to witness the efforts made by our judicial system by using logic and reason to find order in the sometimes chaotic issues which arise in this community. In my time as a court clerk I have had the privilege of working and learning alongside prestigious Judiciary and Bar members such as the honourable Judges________________________________. " - This tells me nothing about you. Remember to keep the "person" in the Personal Statement!
  
  
  "I hope that you will consider my application, and allow me the opportunity to study law under the highly prestigeous professors in this world renowned program. " - Again, not necessary. The limited word count you are granted is too valuable to waste on flattery

The above are just a few issues to think about. The reason I didn't continue on with showing all of them is that what really needs to be done is for you to rethink which elements you want to focus on, and expand upon. What items best show who you are? What stories tell the committee about your strongest attributes? What actions reveal your true nature? Cut down the scope of your focus to just a few elements, and then use those elements to burn an image you into the reader's mind. I'd rather you take a few things and use them to talk deeply about yourself than to use many items to case a wider, but shallower view of who you are.

Last, the good news here is that you have a several angles you can take that will result in a strong essay. You have some interesting life experiences, as well as experience with the Canadian judicial system. Isolate the most significant experiences and then tell the committee a story they won't forget.

Good luck!

[pmills]

Thanks, this is exactly the kind of constructive criticism I am looking for

[Dave Killoran]

Hi P,

Great, glad I could help! I think you have the potential for a really good essay, but like a diamond in the rough it needs to be shaped and polished a bit. Good luck with the rewrites!

[pmills]

here is my first rewrite draft; i am allowed 2-3 pages under the descretionary catagory for my top law school pick...


I was raised in a family of seven on the modest income of my mother. We lived in an old trailer outside of the rural northern village of _____. When I turned five my father showed the first signs of what would become chronic heart disease in a minor heart attack and our family dynamic was changed forever. As a result he was unable to work for most of my life. This placed my mother into the role of the breadwinner and caretaker. Growing up in the midst of this financial and emotional stress I had to become emotionally mature at a very young age. I quickly learned that it was important to help my family rather than be a burden. I tried never complained to my mother about the things we did not have. I often felt ashamed to allow people into our home because we were afraid to be labelled as white trash. I am now thankful that I faced this negative perception at a young age because it gave me the motivation to develop a work ethic that would allow me to develop a sense of self worth and perseverance. At the age of eleven I got my first Job babysitting so that I could contribute to my family, even if that meant buying my own clothes. I am now thankful that I was blessed to have my father at home with me as a child. He has been my greatest teacher, and I learned the true value of things that matter most in life from this experience. Even though my father’s heart was not strong, I always thought that I had enough heart for both of us.
At the age of 14 tragedy struck my family again when I lost my oldest sister as a result of a car accident. After the initial crash she survived for six weeks in a coma but in the end passed away due to severe trauma to her brain and body. Watching my beautiful sister, whom I had been very close with lying unconscious in a hospital bed distorting in pain was a sorrow that words cannot reflect; her face bruised, her head shaved after multiple brain surgeries; wrists and teeth broken, and her green eye blinded. She slowly disintegrated before my eyes. I wanted to ease my family’s suffering in any way that I could. I wanted to restore their sense of pride and dignity, but I was shaken to the core by this tragedy. Without the support of the community of Burns Lake our family never could have survived this tragedy. Fundraiser’s were held and a bank account was opened in our name to ease our financial burden at this time. Community member’s prepared food for us and gave us second hand clothing. Any money that the community raised that was left over after my sister passed away was put into a scholarship as a way to thank the community. Although we could never afford a gravestone for my sister’s final resting place, my mother placed a porcelain angel in its place as a reminder that my sister’s spirit watches over our family.
In the years to follow all of my family members suffered from depression and post traumatic stress. Overcome with grief I developed an eating disorder. At one point a doctor weighed me and monitored my heart. He told me that I would not live to see the next Christmas if I did not force myself to eat. I have since won the battle with my eating disorder though hard work and will power. It took a very long time for me to see myself as beautiful just the way I am, but with the support of my family, friends, and teachers I have learned to view my own worth in a different way.
As my family and I began to pick up the pieces of our lives in the years after the death of my sister I began focusing my attention on school work and extracurricular activities. From grade 8 to 12 I was the top academic student in my class. I was a member of the B.C. Youth Parliament, and a senior member of the school leadership committee. In my spare time I also tutored, and lead my church’s youth choir. I found great joy in helping the classmates and giving back to the community that had helped my family so much during our time of need. I knew that bringing pride to my family and community and showing them what I was capable of if I worked hard could inspire these people to find the greatness within them. Particularly, I enjoyed helping troubled youth to overcome the challenges in their lives as I did at an early age. I coached a junior girls basketball team and was able to develop a mentoring relationship with the young women on the team. I never forget that I role model for these youth, some of whom came from backgrounds similar to mine, and to empower them. I still readily offer guidance and advice to these girls when I am asked.
When I graduated from high school I received the Governor General’s award for outstanding academic achievement. I was also awarded many scholarships for merit and community service such as the UNBC Leadership award, in addition to the four year full tuition UNBC Scholar award for being the top academic student in my class.
Sadly, the summer before I started university two of my friends and fellow graduates were killed in a car accident resulting from drug induced impairment. I was having trouble processing this trauma when I entered UBC. This car accident brought up the trauma of losing my sister again. At the same time my father’s health had started declining even more, and I decided to accept my scholarship to UNBC so that I could be closer to the family who needed my help. My father was diagnosed with diabetes and is battling cancer. His illness as well as the strain of living off of student loans and working periodically throughout university took a toll on my academic performance.
Throughout university I worked hard to learn how to use my skills to better serve the community and strove for high academic standards. I did my bachelor’s degree in English and Environmental studies; I chose this field of study because I was interested in researching how I could help humanity to preserve our environment for future generations. I was the first person to ever complete this degree at UNBC. Being the first person, and only person in this degree, there was no one to guide me in this program other than the chair, Dr. Annie Booth. For one year I served as the secretary for the Northern Undergraduate Student Union, and operated the University’s food bank. I also had the opportunity to do an internship under the Green University Research Centre’s head of research. In my final year at I transferred to UVIC. I was elected an executive member of the community garden. In 2012, the year I graduated from university, I was privileged enough to be inducted into the Golden Key International Honours Society for receiving academic achievement within the top 15% of my university.
Upon receiving my degree I decided to go the extra mile to pursue my dream to study of the Canadian Justice system and the law. Currently I work as a court clerk and registry operator for the Ministry of Justice in isolated ----------. I have been told that ----------------deals with one of the highest volumes of files on court days. We often sit until 6 or 7 pm. I relocated here seven months ago by myself for work, having never visited the town, or knowing anyone within a five hour driving distance or having set foot in a court house. My interest in the justice system gave me enough determination to uproot my life so that I might gain experience in the legal field. Thus I consider myself very fortunate to be able to receive such a hands on experience of the Justice system. I work with one other employee, a Justice of the Peace. Together we locally facilitate court services to the ----------- area. The court conditions are extreme; we work long hours with a high volume of files and a changing judicial rota crown counsel rota. Although this position has been challenging, I have found it to be incredibly rewarding. The courthouse where I spend my days is located at the back of an old strip mall next to a recycling depot and fish packaging plant.
As a result of this experience my respect and faith in the Canadian Justice system has been reinforced. I have been astounded to witness the efforts made by our judicial system by using logic and reason to find order in the sometimes chaotic issues which arise in this community. In my time as a court clerk I have had the privilege of working and learning alongside prestigious Judiciary and Bar members. Having the opportunity to work in both the courtroom and the registry has affirmed my passion for justice and ambition to learn and practice the Law at ____________.
Not very people have heard my life story. I try my best to live in the present moment, and to prepare for the future. The troubles from my early life have given me strength and resourcefulness. I have gained a deeper perspective of life from my experiences, and I hope that one day I can use these life lessons to contribute to greater good of society as a lawyer.

[Jason Schultz]

Hi pmills,

Building on what Dave said, I would say that this has some good themes for an essay but is a little unfocused. I would reiterate that listing accomplishments does tend to re-state what your CV/resume already has made clear. As a reader, the natural inclination when finding a list is to skim it, which is obviously not what you want them to do with your achievements. At the same time, your story is quite moving but can be somewhat emotionally draining.

I would suggest picking a few of the achievements and a few of the stories from your past and drawing them out more in-depth.

Hope that helps!

[Dave Killoran]

Hi P,

Thanks for sharing the next draft. Here are a few more pieces of advice:

1. This is an definite improvement from the prior version (congrats on that!), but when rewriting, trying to use the highest and most rigorous standards possible for what you leave in and what you remove. Carefully examine every word to make sure there are no false notes, and no extraneous information. I often tell people to rewrite each draft at least two or three times before showing it to their readers.

2. Consider that the personal statement is a short story about you. What do you want the story to say about you? What is the takeaway that you want the reader to leave with? Are you passionate? Caring? Courageous? Contrarian? Everyone has a different story, but it is up to you to use the elements of your life to tell that story. One very positive development I noted here was that you started to show more about your life than in the previous version (perfect example: "We lived in an old trailer outside of the rural northern village of _____." -- I love that because the visual tells the whole story). The whole first paragraph is an improvement along these lines(although I'd still more rigorously comb through this paragraph to make it tighter), and I saw elements of the "show, don't tell" approach throughout the essay in this version. But, keep in mind that every element of the essay needs to work together to form a complete picture.

3. In the vein of the prior point, consider that some of the elements of the current version might be better served as addenda. The paragraph that starts, "Sadly, the summer before I started university..." seems to me to be there as a way to explain a change of school and a decline in academic performance. I think you could move that to an addendum that focused solely on the academic issues, and that would leave this essay stronger and more focused.

4. Watch out for the very natural tendency to want to list your achievements. While this may seem like the right place for it, it's not. It occurs so much that the typical admissions committee member just turns off when they read a list of things you have done (again--focus on a few, deep examples to show who you are, not a laundry list of things). In saying this, I'm referring to this segment of your current version: "For one year I served as the secretary for the Northern Undergraduate Student Union, and operated the University’s food bank. I also had the opportunity to do an internship under the Green University Research Centre’s head of research. In my final year at I transferred to UVIC. I was elected an executive member of the community garden. In 2012, the year I graduated from university, I was privileged enough to be inducted into the Golden Key International Honours Society for receiving academic achievement within the top 15% of my university." These should all be on your resume, but none of them are strong enough to warrant being featured in your statement of intent.

5. Last, but in no way least, I'm going to pose a question for you: what do you think the committee wants from your essay? What are they looking for? If we can ascertain that (and I have the answer ), then I think that will help you piece together the whole in a more cohesive fashion.

Please let me know if that helps, and let me know your thoughts on #5. Thanks!

[Nikki Siclunov]

Hi P,

Let me add a few words to what others have already said.

I completely understand your desire to narrate your struggles and accomplishments to date, but you risk turning a beautiful story into a mere chronology of events. What's missing is a narrative thread weaving through it: half the time, I was wondering why you were telling me about the events in your life. What does it all add up to? A personal statement should read like a music piece: it needs a leitmotif, a recurrent theme that is more than a mere series of music tones. It should be a story that leaves an impression, not a resume in another format. For instance, while you've had to deal with a lot of hardship in your life, don't just tell us about it. Show us how it has informed your outlook, motivations, attitude, etc. How are you a better, stronger person because of it?

To that end, I would probably edit out most of your accomplishments, or - if you insist on keeping them in there - at least tell us why we need to read about them here. Remember: admissions officers will have a copy of your resume, so this is redundant unless there is a point to it.

Good luck!!

[pmills]

Thanks so much guys! You have given me some great feedback to contemplate. I am working on a new, more focused draft now

[Dave Killoran]

If you get a chance, don't forget to answer the question I posed in point #5 of my last response, which was:

• 5. Last, but in no way least, I'm going to pose a question for you: what do you think the committee wants from your essay? What are they looking for? If we can ascertain that (and I have the answer ), then I think that will help you piece together the whole in a more cohesive fashion.

Knowing what they are looking for makes it a lot easier to write these essays, and often changes the mindset you use when selecting what to write about and how it is actually written. And, if anyone else cares to venture a guess, please feel free to post your answer as well--everyone is invited to participate in this little quiz!

Thanks!