Personal Statement- critique please

[kwabbel]

After watching the video I was directed to in my previous post, I tried to come up with something a bit more personal and would grasp the readers.. Please critique!

It was 3:30 in the afternoon and my last class let out just 15 minutes prior, with my head down and my backpack full of books weighing me down each step, I started making my way for my long walk home from school. Unaware of my surroundings and happily in my own little world, I was quickly shoved into a dark, musty smelling room on campus, a room I would soon dread to ever go into again. While still trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness and figure out what was going on, I was pushed to the ground where two boys held me down and shoved their sweaty hands up and down my shirt. As I wiggled and pleaded, their voices became familiar, they were my classmates, they were wrestlers, I was shoved into the wrestling room. What felt like an eternity was in fact only a matter of seconds before I freed myself from their grasps and ran the mile home.

I remained quiet about this experience, I did not tell my parents, my teachers or my friends. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and lacked confidence. I did not feel comfortable telling anyone and didn’t even know what to say if I had. I was a shy 12-year-old girl and contemplated whether anyone would believe me anyway.

It wasn’t until high school when I started to find my voice and my confidence. It was through my education and my extracurricular activities that I blossomed from that fragile little girl into an educated, poised young woman. I was the captain of my varsity cheerleading squad, where I literally belted my lungs out, a quality that I was too scared to do when I was forced down in that stinky room. I even utilized my newfound confidence to help other young girls like myself. I would meet weekly with a few girls that were struggling either with school, their families, or interpersonally like I did and help them overcome their fears and hardships to the best of my abilities. By being someone that they could relate to, not only did I help them, but they helped me continue to grow as well.

Throughout college I have evolved into a confident woman. I walk proudly throughout campus, I stand tall, and I keep my head high. I am no longer just a voice for myself, but I am now a voice for others around me. I have become a leader and was recently elected as the president of my leadership class where we are working with the athletic department to develop strategies to increase attendance at our home football games. Though it is a small group, it is a huge step for me.

I believe that lawyers have the ability to be the voice of the people. They have the opportunity to take a stand for what is right and wrong and to help others who, like my young self, don’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves. The young girl who was too afraid to speak up is now gone. In replace of her is a bright woman who is passionate, educated, and ready to utilize her confidence and experiences to help others.

[David Boyle]

After watching the video I was directed to in my previous post, I tried to come up with something a bit more personal and would grasp the readers.. Please critique!

It was 3:30 in the afternoon and my last class let out just 15 minutes prior, with my head down and my backpack full of books weighing me down each step, I started making my way for my long walk home from school. Unaware of my surroundings and happily in my own little world, I was quickly shoved into a dark, musty smelling room on campus, a room I would soon dread to ever go into again. While still trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness and figure out what was going on, I was pushed to the ground where two boys held me down and shoved their sweaty hands up and down my shirt. As I wiggled and pleaded, their voices became familiar, they were my classmates, they were wrestlers, I was shoved into the wrestling room. What felt like an eternity was in fact only a matter of seconds before I freed myself from their grasps and ran the mile home.

I remained quiet about this experience, I did not tell my parents, my teachers or my friends. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and lacked confidence. I did not feel comfortable telling anyone and didn’t even know what to say if I had. I was a shy 12-year-old girl and contemplated whether anyone would believe me anyway.

It wasn’t until high school when I started to find my voice and my confidence. It was through my education and my extracurricular activities that I blossomed from that fragile little girl into an educated, poised young woman. I was the captain of my varsity cheerleading squad, where I literally belted my lungs out, a quality that I was too scared to do when I was forced down in that stinky room. I even utilized my newfound confidence to help other young girls like myself. I would meet weekly with a few girls that were struggling either with school, their families, or interpersonally like I did and help them overcome their fears and hardships to the best of my abilities. By being someone that they could relate to, not only did I help them, but they helped me continue to grow as well.

Throughout college I have evolved into a confident woman. I walk proudly throughout campus, I stand tall, and I keep my head high. I am no longer just a voice for myself, but I am now a voice for others around me. I have become a leader and was recently elected as the president of my leadership class where we are working with the athletic department to develop strategies to increase attendance at our home football games. Though it is a small group, it is a huge step for me.

I believe that lawyers have the ability to be the voice of the people. They have the opportunity to take a stand for what is right and wrong and to help others who, like my young self, don’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves. The young girl who was too afraid to speak up is now gone. In replace of her is a bright woman who is passionate, educated, and ready to utilize her confidence and experiences to help others.

Hello kwabbel,

Thank you for sharing your story about your difficult personal experiences and how you surmounted them. I think this offers a powerful statement, on the whole.
Below, I am largely going to "ask questions" rather than "make suggestions": this will help you preserve your own "voice" and individuality in your essay. Any "criticism" is "constructive", of course.

Your first paragraph does not say what kind of school: elementary, I assume? Or junior high?
"...just 15 minutes prior, with my head down...": could there be a semi-colon or other break right after "prior", instead of a comma?
"I was quickly shoved into a dark, musty smelling room on campus": could there be a hyphen between "musty" and "smelling"?
"As I wiggled and pleaded, their voices became familiar, they were my classmates, they were wrestlers, I was shoved into the wrestling room." Is this a bit of a "run-on" sentence, which could use some work or splitting apart maybe?
"It wasn’t until high school when I started to find my voice and my confidence." Could "that" be better than "when"?
"I would meet weekly with a few girls that were struggling either with school, their families, or interpersonally like I did and help them overcome their fears and hardships to the best of my abilities..." Does this sentence run on a bit? Would, say, a comma or something after "did" be helpful?
"By being someone that they could relate to...": Would "By being someone to whom they could relate" be better?
"In replace of her is a bright woman...": First, I think you mean "In place of her"? Second, I am sure you are bright, but calling yourself "bright" in an essay can be problematic. Are there other people who call you bright? If so, that is something to consider. Could you let the essay-reader know that you have a reputation for being bright, if in fact you do have that reputation?

On a more general note: could the essay include some more "sophisticated" parts somehow? I'm not saying you should quote the collected works of Jean-Paul Sartre (in either English or French!), but while the basic message and text are good, some may see them as being quite "basic".
And there are a number of unelaborated things, e.g., is there any specific way you want to be a voice for people as a lawyer? It's great to be a voice for people, but that is a little bit "general", maybe?? Do you want to be a "voice" for big corporations, or for animal rights, or for people being evicted from their homes, or what? Essay-readers might be interested.

Again, I enjoyed your essay, which had a basically powerful and memorable story, I thought. Hopefully, the things I wrote about above will be of interest too.

Hope this helps,
David

[kwabbel]

Hi again!

I thank you for your feedback about my topic.. I was trying to get pretty personal with the essay but it didn't really feel right as I looked it over some more.. I sat down with a pen and paper and tried to really think about why I want to go to law school and came up with something a little different if you don't mind taking a peek?

My hands were caked in flour and blue food coloring; my forehead was starting to bead with perspiration but I couldn’t stop. Everything had to be perfect for the party and most importantly, my 80’s rubix cube cake had to look exactly like the real thing. I was in charge of planning an 80’s dance for the Special Education class at my high school. It was their prom night, and it was up to me to make sure everything was “totally 80’s”. I spent hours crafting that cake and with the help of my peers along created a wall sized Pacman scene to make the dance even more special. The room ended up looking great, but it was the look on their faces that was breathtaking. It was a look that I still remember to this day and will never forget. I went home that night and cried. My outlook on life was forever changed by what I had seen.
It is the same look that I see when I volunteer at the local Braille Institute. Though many of the students have lost almost all of their ability to see, I witness it in their faces. The look of pure joy and happiness just by me doing the simple act of guiding them to their next class or getting lunch with them and talking about life.
After that dance and volunteering at the Braille, something in me changed. I learned about what true hardships in life are and became more fortunate for the life I have. I was able to attend my high school prom, I have been blessed to have 20/20 vision and I have been lucky enough to attend a university and received my degree. Many people, like those I have helped, are not as fortunate, yet have such a positive outlook on life. It was because of this that I started to see the big picture in life and I learned the value of patience and understanding through helping others.
My senior quote in high school was, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But there I was, fretting over making sure each square was perfectly aligned to the cake. It was the 80’s dance and volunteering at the Braille that finally pushed me to fully embody that saying. By no longer focusing on the minor details, I was able to see the big ideas and what is most important to me. It’s not about making the most beautiful cake; it’s about how that cake could affect people in a positive way.
My volunteer efforts have developed into a strong passion for helping others. It is a passion that I hope to now turn into a career through public interest law. By becoming a public interest attorney, I will have the opportunity to really help the people around me. I will be more than an arm that helps guide my clients to the right direction. I will be able to impact their lives. It may be helping make sure that a young girl has access to a fair education, or a visually impaired adult has the opportunity to learn and attend a school like the Braille Institute. No matter what the case, I know that through public interest law, I will have a positive impact on individuals and even communities which is more intrinsically motivating than anything else.
“School name” is known for it’s prestigious public interest program. Etc etc etc go into detail about each schools P.I. program and why I feel like I should be selected for it.

[David Boyle]

Hi again!

I thank you for your feedback about my topic.. I was trying to get pretty personal with the essay but it didn't really feel right as I looked it over some more.. I sat down with a pen and paper and tried to really think about why I want to go to law school and came up with something a little different if you don't mind taking a peek?

My hands were caked in flour and blue food coloring; my forehead was starting to bead with perspiration but I couldn’t stop. Everything had to be perfect for the party and most importantly, my 80’s rubix cube cake had to look exactly like the real thing. I was in charge of planning an 80’s dance for the Special Education class at my high school. It was their prom night, and it was up to me to make sure everything was “totally 80’s”. I spent hours crafting that cake and with the help of my peers along created a wall sized Pacman scene to make the dance even more special. The room ended up looking great, but it was the look on their faces that was breathtaking. It was a look that I still remember to this day and will never forget. I went home that night and cried. My outlook on life was forever changed by what I had seen.
It is the same look that I see when I volunteer at the local Braille Institute. Though many of the students have lost almost all of their ability to see, I witness it in their faces. The look of pure joy and happiness just by me doing the simple act of guiding them to their next class or getting lunch with them and talking about life.
After that dance and volunteering at the Braille, something in me changed. I learned about what true hardships in life are and became more fortunate for the life I have. I was able to attend my high school prom, I have been blessed to have 20/20 vision and I have been lucky enough to attend a university and received my degree. Many people, like those I have helped, are not as fortunate, yet have such a positive outlook on life. It was because of this that I started to see the big picture in life and I learned the value of patience and understanding through helping others.
My senior quote in high school was, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But there I was, fretting over making sure each square was perfectly aligned to the cake. It was the 80’s dance and volunteering at the Braille that finally pushed me to fully embody that saying. By no longer focusing on the minor details, I was able to see the big ideas and what is most important to me. It’s not about making the most beautiful cake; it’s about how that cake could affect people in a positive way.
My volunteer efforts have developed into a strong passion for helping others. It is a passion that I hope to now turn into a career through public interest law. By becoming a public interest attorney, I will have the opportunity to really help the people around me. I will be more than an arm that helps guide my clients to the right direction. I will be able to impact their lives. It may be helping make sure that a young girl has access to a fair education, or a visually impaired adult has the opportunity to learn and attend a school like the Braille Institute. No matter what the case, I know that through public interest law, I will have a positive impact on individuals and even communities which is more intrinsically motivating than anything else.
“School name” is known for it’s prestigious public interest program. Etc etc etc go into detail about each schools P.I. program and why I feel like I should be selected for it.

Hello kwabbel,

You're welcome!
I enjoyed your previous essay, but, as you may be implying (or not), maybe people could be put off by some of the more "unpleasant" or "controversial" content in there? I don't know.

Anyway, as for your present essay: I enjoy it, and it does have some more definite focus than the previous essay, i.e., about public interest law. (There are even subspecialties within public interest law, but at least you have some kind of increased focus now.)
As for some details (again, as with anything I say, it's questions, more than suggestions):

For "my 80’s rubix cube cake", could "my 80's Rubik's Cube cake" work instead?
Instead of "and with the help of my peers along created a wall sized Pacman scene", could "and with the help of my peers created a wall-sized Pac-Man scene" work? (What was the "along" doing in the sentence??)
"I witness it in their faces. The look of pure joy and happiness just by me doing the simple act of guiding them..." seemed to float in the air a little, rather, the part from "The look" onward looked like a sentence fragment or something. Would something like putting a colon, or other pause-type mark, between "faces" and "the look" work instead?
"I was able to attend my high school prom, I have been blessed to have 20/20 vision and I have been lucky enough to attend a university and received my degree." Are there parallelism issues, or time-shift (past tense, present tense, etc.) issues here, grammatically? Would "I was able to attend my high school prom, I have been blessed to have 20/20 vision and I have been lucky enough to attend a university and receive my degree." work?
I know "“School name” is known for it’s prestigious public interest program." is just a general plan on your part, but "“School name” is known for its prestigious public interest program." could work also?

Again, I enjoy your new essay and the focus in it. Don't hesitate to rewrite and reread it, though! (And proofread, proofread, proofread! Admissions committees may really look hard at spelling and grammar...)

Hope this helps,
David