Diversity Statement - need feedback please!

[mandychristine]

Post removed

[Robert Carroll]

Mandy,

I wasn't entirely clear on the relevance of the high school experience to the diversity statement.

It would probably do to say a bit more about how being in, for example, Budapest increased the diversity of your experiences. It does not seem to me to be self-evident that a person who has lived in Budapest must per se have had a broadening of experience. I am sure there is much about each place you could mention that would make that perfectly clear.

I know this is a draft, so I'm sure you expected what I'm about to say, but it could do with a bit of proofreading. I noticed a few mistakes.

[Dave Killoran]

Hi Amanda,

Let me add a few comments to Robert's, which I think are spot-on.

In general I like your writing style. There are elements to this story and the way it is told that I find very compelling. I've seen some of that in your other statements, and I always feel that highlighting story elements draws the reader in.

As I read this, it has the feel of a broader personal statement, and not so much as a diversity statement. I personally think that this is pushing the boundary as a diversity statement—small town living is not seen by many as a diversity element, nor is travel. From another angle, those are both elements that many of your classmates can also claim as their own, and thus they aren't typically considered part of the diversity experience. Is there anything else you can draw on that might qualify?

Based on what I know of admissions, in its current form (topic, not delivery) I'm not sure that this will help your application much (and could hurt it). It's something to think about, at least.

I hope this helps. Thanks!