Diversity Statement Feedback

[teanah203]

I just finished up a draft of my diversity statement, but similar to a prior concern that was brought up in another thread, I wonder how unique it actually is. I would like to post it here for some general feedback, but I have included my name in the statement (in fact, the premise of the statement is the impact my name has had on the formation of my identity) and don't want it to be posted in a public forum. Is there a way I could still get some feedback on it? In addition, I have read on a blog that the diversity statement shouldn't be longer than one double-spaced page, so that's how long I made mine. So far, many of the colleges I have looked at don't specify a length for the diversity statement, so would it be ok to write a longer one? I feel as if I couldn't go as much into depth as I would've liked in a single page. Thanks for your advice in advance!

[Dave Killoran]

Can you possibly pull the identifying info and then post it? We typically don't have enough time to go through every essay privately, but we have enough instructors online to give brief feedback for publicly posted essays!

Thanks!

[teanah203]

Hello,

Below is my diversity statement. I took out the identifying info so it may not make complete sense, but I appreciate any and all feedback
--

Traditional Indian customs dictate that when a baby is born, the parents must consult an astrologist to determine the baby’s birth sign and correspondingly, the most auspicious letter the name should start with. Given the letter “T,” my parents decided to name me _____, sparing me the inevitable mispronunciations that would accompany Indian names like Trishla or Tamanna.

However, this attempt to help me assimilate into American society may have backfired, as my introductions to others have been frequently interjected by, “_____? But really, what’s your Indian name?” Met with skepticism about the most basic indicator of my identity, I tried to prove my “Americanness” by becoming a Girl Scout and playing club soccer. Realizing that my ethnicity would still always define me in my community, I chose to embrace my heritage through involvement in Indian cultural circles.

In contrast to the deliberate Anglicization of my first name, my father’s “Welcome to America” gift was the unintentional mutation of his surname; by sheer transcription error, “L______” was transformed to “L_______” on his immigration papers. I have grown up used to this new three-syllable moniker, proud of its ability to roll off the tongue. Yet cultural show participation trophies etched with “L______” (the original last name) represent the reluctance to acknowledge the modification within the Indian community. Once again, I questioned myself and wondered if I was disrespecting my heritage by accepting the Americanized version of my last name, when it should have never been.

Being an Indian-American in a predominantly Caucasian society has been a constant balancing act; the hyphen is a rope upon which I walk. While being the ambassador of Indian culture in town, I am my parents’ guide to Americanism at home. I have learned to navigate two seemingly distant worlds, becoming more perceptive of my interactions with others, more open-minded about the interconnectivity of cultures, and more confident in my identity every day.

[Dave Killoran]

Hello,

Below is my diversity statement. I took out the identifying info so it may not make complete sense, but I appreciate any and all feedback
--

Traditional Indian customs dictate that when a baby is born, the parents must consult an astrologist to determine the baby’s birth sign and correspondingly, the most auspicious letter the name should start with. Given the letter “T,” my parents decided to name me _____, sparing me the inevitable mispronunciations that would accompany Indian names like Trishla or Tamanna.

However, this attempt to help me assimilate into American society may have backfired, as my introductions to others have been frequently interjected by, “_____? But really, what’s your Indian name?” Met with skepticism about the most basic indicator of my identity, I tried to prove my “Americanness” by becoming a Girl Scout and playing club soccer. Realizing that my ethnicity would still always define me in my community, I chose to embrace my heritage through involvement in Indian cultural circles.

In contrast to the deliberate Anglicization of my first name, my father’s “Welcome to America” gift was the unintentional mutation of his surname; by sheer transcription error, “L______” was transformed to “L_______” on his immigration papers. I have grown up used to this new three-syllable moniker, proud of its ability to roll off the tongue. Yet cultural show participation trophies etched with “L______” (the original last name) represent the reluctance to acknowledge the modification within the Indian community. Once again, I questioned myself and wondered if I was disrespecting my heritage by accepting the Americanized version of my last name, when it should have never been.

Being an Indian-American in a predominantly Caucasian society has been a constant balancing act; the hyphen is a rope upon which I walk. While being the ambassador of Indian culture in town, I am my parents’ guide to Americanism at home. I have learned to navigate two seemingly distant worlds, becoming more perceptive of my interactions with others, more open-minded about the interconnectivity of cultures, and more confident in my identity every day.

Hi T,

Thanks for posting this! I know you were concerned about how unique it was, but ultimately this is worth submitting. It tells me about who you are and where you come from, and your background isn't standard. and, let's say that the adcomm didn't look at this as a strong diversity play. Even if so, it would still lend a unique look at who you are, and lend depth and richness to your application. On those grounds alone it's worth including

As I read this, I thought that the "caught in the middle" theme you outline is good enough to use as the base here. If I was to make a suggestion, it would be to attempt to make the delivery of that message even stronger. for example, I might bring this is a fantastic line —"the hyphen is a rope upon which I walk"—up near the start of the second paragraph, after a comment about being Indian-America. that might then make the introduction stories resonate more strongly. Just a thought.

After re-organizing this a bit, I'd then go through this about 12 times and read it over and over for smoothness and intent. Make every word useful and perfectly placed so that there are no stumbling blocks or other catches. It's in good shape, and I think a little work makes it a big help to your app.

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks!

[teanah203]

Hi Dave,
Yes that was helpful! I did take your advice about moving the hyphen metaphor to the second paragraph, but I was struggling to find a place to put at the beginning of the paragraph since I thought it broke up the continuity of the story. Therefore, I thought it might work well at the end of that paragraph, and I also added a sentence at the end of the second to last paragraph to transition into the conclusion. What are your thoughts? Does this work? Thanks!
--

Traditional Indian customs dictate that when a baby is born, the parents must consult an astrologist to determine the baby’s birth sign and correspondingly, the most auspicious letter the name should start with. Given the letter “T,” my parents decided to name me _____, sparing me the inevitable mispronunciations that would accompany Indian names like Trishla or Tamanna.

However, this attempt to help me assimilate into American society may have been futile, as my introductions to others have been frequently interjected by, “_____? But really, what’s your Indian name?” Met with skepticism about the most basic indicator of my identity, I tried to prove my “Americanness” by becoming a Girl Scout and playing club soccer. Realizing that my ethnicity would still always define me in my hometown, I chose to embrace my heritage through involvement in Indian cultural circles. Being an Indian-American in a predominantly Caucasian community has been a constant balancing act; the hyphen is a tightrope upon which I walk.

In contrast to the deliberate Anglicization of my first name, my father’s “Welcome to America” gift was the unintentional mutation of his surname; by a transcription error, “L_____” was transformed to “L______” on his immigration papers. I have grown up used to this new three-syllable moniker, proud of its ability to roll off the tongue. Yet cultural show participation trophies etched with “L_______” represent the reluctance to acknowledge the modification within the Indian community. Once again, I questioned myself and wondered if I was disrespecting my heritage by accepting the Americanized version of my last name, when it should have never been. On the spectrum of Indian to American, I yearned to find a harmonious medium.

While being an ambassador of Indian culture in public, I am my parents’ guide to Americanism at home. I have learned to simultaneously navigate two seemingly distant worlds, increasingly becoming more perceptive of my interactions with others, more open-minded about the interconnectivity of cultures, and more confident in my identity every day.

[Nikki Siclunov]

Hi T,

I love it! It's an awesome line, and it definitely belongs where it is now.

It's a very strong essay, to say the least. Good job!

[teanah203]

Thank you very much for your help and comments, Nikki and Dave!