Personal Statement Feedback!

[getmads]

So I'm likely here for the same reason as the other personal statement posters- Dave mentioned potential feedback on Twitter (which I have indeed been stalking for the last week because of LSAT scores). Anyway, any help at all is valuable, so I appreciate any feedback that anyone has to offer. You guys are the best. Happy application season!

_________

My first step off the airplane onto Irish ground was easily the most memorable. I paused, clutched the straps of my fifty-pound backpack, and gazed up at the sky. I felt perfectly at ease for the first time in my life. I was here, finally on European soil, ready to embark on the three-week journey that was ahead of me.
Let me begin by disclosing that I am the type of person who formulates a plan and follows it meticulously. I naturally find comfort in finality and firm decision making. Ironically, that is precisely why I resolved to fly to Ireland and spend three weeks traveling Europe. My plans were minimal; I had a bare-boned idea of where I was going and where I would sleep each night. I cannot describe how terrifying that was for such a conscientious and detail-oriented person, but I needed to teach myself how to live a free, autonomous, and authentic life. I needed to find my passion.
For the next three weeks, every day was a new adventure. I remember waking up at two in the morning and bartering with a French taxi driver for a ride to the airport, because the subways were closed. I wanted to learn a language, so I did, and spent my days in Berlin stumbling over my words with locals while they chuckled at my broken German. I lovingly reminisce about the time I raced through Dublin in an utter panic, desperately trying to find the hostel I booked. I made a life-long friend when a man scolded me for failing to store my bicycle properly on the Amsterdam bus. My point is that during those weeks I allowed myself to be open to every new experience that was thrown in my direction. I said “yes” more than I ever had before, and I uncovered a new confidence that only a spontaneous voyage throughout Europe could provide me.
Up until I booked my flight to Ireland, backpacking Europe was something I fanaticized about. Each year I reconciled to make my trip, but never actually executed it. But it is not in my personality to disregard my aspirations, so the next year I dedicated myself to making my dreams concrete and tangible. I did not take out massive loans to study abroad, nor was my trip funded by anyone other than myself; this undertaking was solely my own. I exhausted all of my resources and worked tirelessly at my job as a barista to fund my travel. This self-sufficiency was, and always is, paramount to me. I believe in the power of myself and my diligence.
The trip was a significant turning point for me, and I began applying the same zealous attitude to every aspect of my life. Law school has always been my goal, but up until that journey I had trouble piecing together the details. Backpacking through Europe made me understand that I feel entirely “at home” when I’m in foreign environments. I thrive in new surroundings and find unexpected comfort in the challenges that accompany abandoning your comfort zone. It was this revelation, coupled with many hours of introspection, that allowed me to realize that international law was my niche. I want to spend my career abroad, engage myself in worlds other than my own. I savor the knowledge and empowerment that I gain when I am consumed in other cultures. I know that there is no better way for me to achieve that than through my passion of law.
I firmly believe in the importance of pursuing what you are passionate about. Challenging situations are an opportunity for me to exercise this passion, and employ my strengths to overcome hardship. I look at everything as an adventure, a chance to better myself and emerge slowly, step by step, out of the comfortable bubble that I find myself too often existing in. My backpacking trip around Europe taught me that I can be confident even when I’m uncomfortable, open-minded even when I’m confused, and calm even when I’m utterly overwhelmed. I know that these things are only going to aide in my law school experience, which is an adventure that I have spent years preparing for. I am excited, driven, and dedicated, and I look forward to implementing my skills in both law school and beyond.

[Dave Killoran]

Hey Mads,

Thanks for posting this! I've fallen a bit behind due to all the essays being posted, but I or another PowerScore staff member will make a comment in the next several days.

Thanks for your patience!

[Steve Stein]

So I'm likely here for the same reason as the other personal statement posters- Dave mentioned potential feedback on Twitter (which I have indeed been stalking for the last week because of LSAT scores). Anyway, any help at all is valuable, so I appreciate any feedback that anyone has to offer. You guys are the best. Happy application season!

_________

My first step off the airplane onto Irish ground was easily the most memorable. I paused, clutched the straps of my fifty-pound backpack, and gazed up at the sky. I felt perfectly at ease for the first time in my life. I was here, finally on European soil, ready to embark on the three-week journey that was ahead of me.
Let me begin by disclosing that I am the type of person who formulates a plan and follows it meticulously. I naturally find comfort in finality and firm decision making. Ironically, that is precisely why I resolved to fly to Ireland and spend three weeks traveling Europe. My plans were minimal; I had a bare-boned idea of where I was going and where I would sleep each night. I cannot describe how terrifying that was for such a conscientious and detail-oriented person, but I needed to teach myself how to live a free, autonomous, and authentic life. I needed to find my passion.
For the next three weeks, every day was a new adventure. I remember waking up at two in the morning and bartering with a French taxi driver for a ride to the airport, because the subways were closed. I wanted to learn a language, so I did, and spent my days in Berlin stumbling over my words with locals while they chuckled at my broken German. I lovingly reminisce about the time I raced through Dublin in an utter panic, desperately trying to find the hostel I booked. I made a life-long friend when a man scolded me for failing to store my bicycle properly on the Amsterdam bus. My point is that during those weeks I allowed myself to be open to every new experience that was thrown in my direction. I said “yes” more than I ever had before, and I uncovered a new confidence that only a spontaneous voyage throughout Europe could provide me.
Up until I booked my flight to Ireland, backpacking Europe was something I fanaticized about. Each year I reconciled to make my trip, but never actually executed it. But it is not in my personality to disregard my aspirations, so the next year I dedicated myself to making my dreams concrete and tangible. I did not take out massive loans to study abroad, nor was my trip funded by anyone other than myself; this undertaking was solely my own. I exhausted all of my resources and worked tirelessly at my job as a barista to fund my travel. This self-sufficiency was, and always is, paramount to me. I believe in the power of myself and my diligence.
The trip was a significant turning point for me, and I began applying the same zealous attitude to every aspect of my life. Law school has always been my goal, but up until that journey I had trouble piecing together the details. Backpacking through Europe made me understand that I feel entirely “at home” when I’m in foreign environments. I thrive in new surroundings and find unexpected comfort in the challenges that accompany abandoning your comfort zone. It was this revelation, coupled with many hours of introspection, that allowed me to realize that international law was my niche. I want to spend my career abroad, engage myself in worlds other than my own. I savor the knowledge and empowerment that I gain when I am consumed in other cultures. I know that there is no better way for me to achieve that than through my passion of law.
I firmly believe in the importance of pursuing what you are passionate about. Challenging situations are an opportunity for me to exercise this passion, and employ my strengths to overcome hardship. I look at everything as an adventure, a chance to better myself and emerge slowly, step by step, out of the comfortable bubble that I find myself too often existing in. My backpacking trip around Europe taught me that I can be confident even when I’m uncomfortable, open-minded even when I’m confused, and calm even when I’m utterly overwhelmed. I know that these things are only going to aide in my law school experience, which is an adventure that I have spent years preparing for. I am excited, driven, and dedicated, and I look forward to implementing my skills in both law school and beyond.

Hi getmads,

Thanks for writing in—I enjoyed reading your essay! My first thought was that I liked how you began; with just a couple of sentences you bring the reader right along with you as you disembark. With that said, I’m not sure there enough substance here just yet to sufficiently set you apart from the pack. Many other applicants have traveled through Europe on similar trips; I would be very interested to read some more specifics about how your travels provided new insights and informed your new perspective.

It's fine to have interests in particular areas of law, but in this case I would avoid relaying too much conviction in the idea that you have already found your niche in international law: Before you begin the study of law It can be very difficult to say with certainly which areas you will find most attractive.

You’ve relayed a few ideas very effectively: You are clearly a go-getter; experience has shown that when you want something, you do what it takes to get it, overcoming the hardships that may be necessary, and you look for opportunities to step out of your comfort zone. These are great attributes, and certainly help to make you a stronger candidate. Some ideas, on the other hand, could be presented a bit more subtly. For example, it's probably sufficient to say that you worked hard and saved up for your trip—an emphasis on self-sufficiency is implied.

What is less clear to me as I read is what specifically distinguishes you other applicants, or how your experiences have shaped you into the person you are today. You refer to a passion for law, and mention many hours of introspection, but what would interest me even more would be to hear about some of the specifics of that perspective and that analysis—more about what lead to the development of that passion. What makes law school the right decision for you—and you the right decision for them?

Before writing your second draft, check out a number of really awesome resources that we have available that elaborate on the personal statement process and would likely prove useful for you, and anyone else reading this, to consider:

1. A ten-part blog series about all things personal statement.

2. Another Blog Post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran himself on personal statements.

My colleagues may have other thoughts to add, but in the meanwhile I hope this is helpful—please let me know. Thanks!

~Steve