Personal Statement Feedback

[ProfKhaos]

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[maxineshaw]

I just want to say that I loved your essay. It was very unique and well written.

[ProfKhaos]

Thank you so much, Maxine! I'm really blown away by all of these essays. Really compelling stuff!

[Dave Killoran]

Decided I would also take you up on your offer to review these! If anyone else has any feedback I would definitely appreciate it. Good luck to everyone with their applications!

It all started with plankton. Tiny, seemingly insignificant microorganisms ignited a curiosity within me that would send my academic pursuits careening into an outlandish world populated by microscopic creatures on a gargantuan scale. While writing an essay for Introduction to Politics, a nature documentary on the open ocean played unnoticed in the background—until beautiful, incandescent organisms flashed on my television screen. I remember being memorized by what I would later learn were diatoms, microbes possessing silica in their cell walls, granting them an indescribably stunning appearance of glass like fragility. Within weeks, I had changed my major to Microbiology.

I immediately became enthralled with everything micro; bacteria, viruses, fungi, prions, protozoa all continuously pervaded my thoughts. I’m still overwhelmed with wonder when I consider the magnitude of the diversity and number of these minute organisms that the stability of the world we know hinges upon. The incalculable number of building blocks upon which the greatest pyramid ever constructed rests—the pyramid of life.

As I waded further into this microscopic universe that immerses our macroscopic world in an invisible, organic shroud, I could feel myself be carried in an inexorable current of determination. I spent weekends poring over microbiology textbooks as if they were archaic manuscripts; my fingers dripped with reverence as I turned every page. I spent extra hours locked away in microbiology labs, the blinding lights of microscopes burning images of microorganisms into my retinae, undeterred by the foul aroma of bacterial cultures that wafted through the air. Every step in my study of microbiology seemed to awaken an innate ambition from which success naturally derived.

Now as enter this application process, I’m often met with bemused stares when I tell friends and relatives for the first time that I plan on attending law school. I can practically see the gears turning behind quizzical eyes as they strain to make sense of what seems incomprehensible: “why would a Microbiology student want to go to law school?” My best explanation for these individuals is an anecdote about dinoflagellates—a group of plankton that would appear so inconsequential that discussion of their existence seems to be relegated to esoteric conversations among the upper echelons of academia. As hazardous levels of agricultural runoff carrying nutrients from excess fertilizer reaches nearby waters, it produces massive blooms of dinoflagellates potentially causing the phenomenon known as “red tides.” The plankton release potent neurotoxins that wreak havoc on entire ecosystems, irreparably damaging the ways of life of those who depend on the health of these aquatic environments.

This anecdote about dinoflagellates demonstrates the contingent nature of the macroscopic world, the social and political realms with which we are familiar, upon the microscopic world, the domain of the natural sciences which many of us are often blind to. The potential for unenforced policies, such as those pertaining to agricultural waste for example, to influence our interactions with the invisible, microscopic environment that our society depend upon is indisputable—we just need legal professionals who are trained to see it. I believe that my background in the natural sciences has put me in a truly novel position: I have the resources to enact positive change in the macroscopic world using the tools I acquired during my sojourn in the microscopic. But in order to do so, I must now divert my attention to the legal element that permeates all aspects of life.

Despite my devout appreciation for microbiology, the most valuable lessons I learned in college were never taught in a lecture hall; they were never demonstrated in a laboratory or captured in a graphical representation; they contained neither chemical pathways nor any microorganism—they were the lessons that I learned through the pursuit of passion. The lessons of the importance of attention to detail, the invaluable ability of self-motivation and the knowledge that my dedication would grant me the resources I needed to persevere when faced with insurmountable obstacles. I hope that admittance into (Law School Name) will grant me the opportunity to apply the skills I refined during my undergraduate coursework and continue to contribute the unique perspective I possess as I continue to follow my passion.

Hey Prof!

Thanks for your patience in awaiting a reply from me—I really appreciate it!

I'd also agree that there are some great essays on the board at the moment. Really compelling stuff. And your essay is in that group too

As a whole, I like your topic, presentation, and angle. It's also unusual because you are able to impart a lot about yourself without actually telling too many stories. So, generally I think it's strong. I'm going to provide some criticism, mainly because I think this is good now, and, with a few relatively small tweaks, it could be great.

First point is to scale back on the language a little. It sounds like you are trying too hard, for example "careening-outlandish-gargantuan" in one sentence is too much. But, at the same time there are points where I think it works ("incandescent organisms"). Take out some of it, but not all of it (for example, kill "inexorable" but keep "bemused"). Just dial it back a bit.

Second is to proof/edit this more closely. "Memorize" should be "mesmerize." "fingers dripped with reverence" is an awkward idiom. Make every word count.

Last, the ending. I actually thought you were going to go down the bio/IP law route and discuss the intersection of microbiology and law, especially since biolaw is probably one of the big waves of the future (maybe the biggest). Instead you went with passion, and the only reason I second-guess this decision is because the all the prior paragraphs did a superb job of telling me you have passion. So, at the end, you made a point I had already bought into. Did I hate the ending? No. I just felt like you missed an opportunity to really cement the connection of your disparate interests here (and note to other readers: stating your interest in the law isn't necessary, but if you have a really good case for an interest in the law, then you shoudl always make it).

Anyway, think about those points. the one thing I don't want to lose is the sense of wonder and excitement in this essay—it comes right through the screen, and you can't buy that anywhere. It has to come from inside, and you did a great job of bringing that out.

Good job!