Personal Statement feedback

[Patientlywaiting]

Any feedback from anyone is greatly appreciated!

During my nine years in the Navy I have participated in many rewarding experiences and encountered various leadership styles which have help shape the person I am today. Some of the various missions I have participated include the Haiti humanitarian relief effort after their devastating earthquake and multiple deployments in the Persian Gulf patrolling Iraqi oil platforms. The culmination of these experiences have shaped who I am today, ready for my next challenge.

Growing up in a modest family in South Miami, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. My parents were both social workers and public service was important to our family. I played sports and got good grades, plus it sounded fancy. I was a sophomore in High School on September 11, 2001; by the time I was a senior my parents were getting divorced and my plans changed. I enlisted in the Navy at the age of 19 and left for boot camp a few months later.
As a young Sailor I fell under the guidance of more people than I can remember. Some people chose to rule with an iron fist through fear and intimidation; others by bribing and pleading. Over time, during my ascent to First Class Petty Officer, I had the luxury of picking and choosing certain attributes that merited an effective leader. One of the most vivid memories that helped mold my own style occurred during our four month Humanitarian effort in Haiti in January 2010.

At the time I was a young Third Class Petty Officer, still coming into my own and trying to live up to the expectations of the new rank. We would take small boats ashore, and go from village to village doing whatever possible to help them rebuild; those tasks ranged from building shelters, repairing roads and offering medical assistance.
It became clear around the first week that the Haitian community was devastated, and not just physically. Many locals had a hard time involving themselves in the cleanup effort. They were suffering from the loss of loved ones and most of their material possessions. Their morale was low and their mental capacity to accept the devastation and start the rebuild seemed non-existent.

In one village on a sweltering day we were repairing roads to open them up for supply trucks. The humidity was oppressive and we received very little help from the villagers. At one point I began to feel despondent with the amount of work required to get the supply line opened coupled with the villager’s dispirited attitudes. As I shoveled dirt from a pile into holes on the road, over and over, I noticed a little boy walk up to me. He could not have been any older than four. I stopped and reached into my cargo pocket to give him my MRE peanut butter. Instead of taking the food, he picked up a rock next to my dirt pile and threw it into a hole on the road. We worked together for about half of an hour. He eventually tired out and turned to go home, we communicated for the first time- I gave him a high five(and my peanut butter).

That experience was pivotal for me: on that day I learned that people follow leaders whom they choose. I have realized and embraced that there is a lot I do not know. Being a seasoned Petty Officer requires listening and learning from my junior Sailors, peers and subject matter experts. It is knowledge that has become the cornerstone of my military career.
I am no longer that teenager that thought being a lawyer sounded important. In the last nine years I have gotten married, had two children and advanced in the Navy to the paygrade of Petty Officer first class. Over the last decade, and specifically shaped around significant events in my life, knowledge has become the center of my life. I want to understand statutory law, Constitutional law, and learn how to think critically to be a well-informed individual. Aside from my family, education has taken the forefront in my life. Still though, some of my ambition as a teenager and goals in the military has shaped my long terms goals. As a lawyer I intend to continue my contribution to the Country and my community as a public servant. I still strive to uphold the ethos of the Navy core values, “honor, courage and commitment,” and I intend to take that with me everywhere I go.

That willingness and desire to learn is the most important attribute that will guide me through Law School and any subsequent endeavor. My background of service will guide me through life after Law School. Law school represents the next challenging step in my life that I am finally prepared to conquer.

[Robert Carroll]

P,

I think the story you told is powerful. Improve the statement overall by tying that story more directly into a central point. I also think there is some uncertainty at to what the theme is here - leadership or a desire for knowledge? As these two don't contradict each other, perhaps you could combine the two. Also, remember that law school is a preparation for a career in practice, so an emphasis on the practical knowledge you seek in law school might be wise.

Robert Carroll

[Dave Killoran]

Hi Patiently,

Thanks for posting this! I've fallen a bit behind due to all the essays being posted, but I or another PowerScore staff member will make a comment in the next several days.

Thanks for your patience!

[Nikki Siclunov]

During my nine years in the Navy I have participated in many rewarding experiences and encountered various leadership styles which have help shape the person I am today. Some of the various missions I have participated include the Haiti humanitarian relief effort after their devastating earthquake and multiple deployments in the Persian Gulf patrolling Iraqi oil platforms. The culmination of these experiences have shaped who I am today, ready for my next challenge.

Growing up in a modest family in South Miami, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. My parents were both social workers and public service was important to our family. I played sports and got good grades, plus it sounded fancy. I was a sophomore in High School on September 11, 2001; by the time I was a senior my parents were getting divorced and my plans changed. I enlisted in the Navy at the age of 19 and left for boot camp a few months later.
As a young Sailor I fell under the guidance of more people than I can remember. Some people chose to rule with an iron fist through fear and intimidation; others by bribing and pleading. Over time, during my ascent to First Class Petty Officer, I had the luxury of picking and choosing certain attributes that merited an effective leader. One of the most vivid memories that helped mold my own style occurred during our four month Humanitarian effort in Haiti in January 2010.

At the time I was a young Third Class Petty Officer, still coming into my own and trying to live up to the expectations of the new rank. We would take small boats ashore, and go from village to village doing whatever possible to help them rebuild; those tasks ranged from building shelters, repairing roads and offering medical assistance.
It became clear around the first week that the Haitian community was devastated, and not just physically. Many locals had a hard time involving themselves in the cleanup effort. They were suffering from the loss of loved ones and most of their material possessions. Their morale was low and their mental capacity to accept the devastation and start the rebuild seemed non-existent.

In one village on a sweltering day we were repairing roads to open them up for supply trucks. The humidity was oppressive and we received very little help from the villagers. At one point I began to feel despondent with the amount of work required to get the supply line opened coupled with the villager’s dispirited attitudes. As I shoveled dirt from a pile into holes on the road, over and over, I noticed a little boy walk up to me. He could not have been any older than four. I stopped and reached into my cargo pocket to give him my MRE peanut butter. Instead of taking the food, he picked up a rock next to my dirt pile and threw it into a hole on the road. We worked together for about half of an hour. He eventually tired out and turned to go home, we communicated for the first time- I gave him a high five(and my peanut butter).

That experience was pivotal for me: on that day I learned that people follow leaders whom they choose. I have realized and embraced that there is a lot I do not know. Being a seasoned Petty Officer requires listening and learning from my junior Sailors, peers and subject matter experts. It is knowledge that has become the cornerstone of my military career.
I am no longer that teenager that thought being a lawyer sounded important. In the last nine years I have gotten married, had two children and advanced in the Navy to the paygrade of Petty Officer first class. Over the last decade, and specifically shaped around significant events in my life, knowledge has become the center of my life. I want to understand statutory law, Constitutional law, and learn how to think critically to be a well-informed individual. Aside from my family, education has taken the forefront in my life. Still though, some of my ambition as a teenager and goals in the military has shaped my long terms goals. As a lawyer I intend to continue my contribution to the Country and my community as a public servant. I still strive to uphold the ethos of the Navy core values, “honor, courage and commitment,” and I intend to take that with me everywhere I go.

That willingness and desire to learn is the most important attribute that will guide me through Law School and any subsequent endeavor. My background of service will guide me through life after Law School. Law school represents the next challenging step in my life that I am finally prepared to conquer.

Hi Patiently,

Thanks for posting your personal statement. As Robert pointed out, you need to make your experience in Haiti more central to your statement. Perhaps begin with that story, and return to it at the end. The first paragraph could read as follows:

It was sweltering day, as most days are in Haiti. [X WEEKS] after the most devastating earthquake in their history, I was tasked with helping to repair roads to open them up for supply trucks. A young Third Class Petty Officer, I was still trying to live up to the expectations of the new rank. We would take small boats ashore, and go from village to village doing whatever possible to help them rebuild. Despite the oppressive humidity and the grueling nature of our work, we received very little help from the villagers. After all, our job was to help; theirs - to survive. As I shoveled dirt from a pile into holes on the road, over and over, I noticed a little boy walk up to me. He could not have been any older than four. I stopped and reached into my cargo pocket to give him my MRE peanut butter. But instead of taking the food, he picked up a rock next to my dirt pile and threw it into a hole on the road. We worked together for about half of an hour. When he tired, I gave him a high five (and my peanut butter).

That little boy turned a grueling job into a worthwhile mission. For the first time in my life, I realized what leadership was: ... (etc.)

A personal statement is your chance to tell a story, and as all good stories do, yours should grab the reader's attention. It should be captivating, but also subtly illustrative of the qualities you seek to portray: leadership, perseverance, a thirst for knowledge. You can use the story of the Haitian boy to also reflect on your own upbringing, which you mention in your essay but need to elaborate on. Perhaps you saw yourself in him, willing to help not because someone asked him to, but because of an unspoken bond with someone more senior, a leader? You can also mention your own family in this context, and discuss the values you hope to instill in your own children. Most law students are not married, let alone with kids, so a meaningful discussion of this fact can show a lot of maturity, personal responsibility, and dedication. It will also make you stand out. Discussing your own children in the end will also allow you to bring the story of the Haitian boy back home, so to speak.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your statement. It has a lot of potential, particularly since your experiences in the Navy are so unique. But there is a better story in there, so this will need a bit more work on your part

Lastly, check out a number of really awesome resources that we have available that elaborate on the personal statement process and would likely prove useful for you, and anyone else reading this, to consider:

1. A ten-part blog series about all things personal statement.

2. Another blog post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran himself on personal statements.

Good luck!