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 Hoyasaxa1
  • Posts: 1
  • Joined: Jan 04, 2016
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#21464
Responding to your twitter posts. Here is my personal statement. Still editing. I know the last sentence needs a Boom to pull it together.

As I sat through my final Spanish class of the semester, I reflected upon the monumental transformation that I had undergone during my time as a student at the Middlebury Spanish immersion program. Prior to the program, I was a naturally gifted student, yet one with little direction toward fulfilling my scholarly potential. The intensity and demand that was required by the immersion program The intensity and demand that was required by the immersion program metamorphose me into a person who craves challenge and flourishes under pressure. Gaining a deeper understanding of adaptability as it pertains to academics as well as developing into an intellectual during my time studying at Middlebury transformed me into a scholar with a definitive understanding of how to succeed as a lawyer in an increasingly borderless world.
Adaptability was the most important skill that I acquired during my time as a student at Middlebury. The rigor of the work that was required in order to excel sophisticated my approach to mastering difficult material, including that in another language. Inspired by my linguistics class and to further my Spanish acumen, I researched the different Spanish dialects and the evolution of the Spanish language into the present day. This analysis increased my analytical linguistic skills in both Spanish and English, which further stimulated my interest in the analytical nature of the study of law. During weekly conferences, professors would develop spontaneous questions to challenge my understanding of the Spanish language. Reaction, rather than response, was required in order to quickly formulate clear responses. As I gained more exposure to this style of questioning, I became more confident in my ability to think and respond impromptu. My ability to transition comprehensible ideas into logical arguments in a foreign language allows me to be certain in my ability to formulate sensible arguments in ad hoc situations.
The scholastic demand of the Spanish immersion program challenged me to engage the intellectual aspects of mind that I had yet to develop. . For the first time, I learned how to vocalize and defend my convictions in a manor that illustrated my understanding of the complexity of the Spanish language. I learned to support my conclusions using concrete facts and logical analysis in order to debate various ideas with other students. Often times after further reflection, I would revise my argument by adding new evidence in order to redevelop and strengthen my original argument. As I became more confident in my ability to debate, I became increasingly less apprehensive to the idea of having my opinions scrutinized and challenged. Because of that experience, I am now a person who consistently strives to present arguments that contained no logical holes, while simultaneously realizing that every argument can be made stronger with the addition of further evidence.
As the world continues to eliminate borders the importance of being able to both adapt to the ever changing legal environment as well as to have the intellectual ability to execute such tasks becomes all the more important for success in the field of law. The curriculum at Middlebury taught me unique skills that further supplement those that I have acquired from various other academic experiences. I want to study law at the University of Blank because it provides the best combination of professors, students, and resources to help me prosper as a lawyer. At Middlebury, I developed as a student because I took advantage of the opportunities that were at my disposal. I hope the University of Blank will allow me yet another opportunity to further my development.
 Robert Carroll
PowerScore Staff
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  • Joined: Dec 06, 2013
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#21493
Hoya,

As I'm sure you're aware, it's worth proofreading this.

I think it's worthwhile getting more specific - could you highlight a particularly satisfying research challenge during this program? The word choices sometimes seem artificial and stilted; consider whether you're always using the clearest prose to convey your meaning. I think there is much more you could say about the relevance of your Spanish program to "an increasingly borderless world." It's not evident on the face of it that a Spanish immersion program would give you an understanding of how to succeed as a lawyer in that kind of world, but it seems like such an easy thing to make relevant that it shouldn't be too tough to make the connection.

Robert Carroll
User avatar
 Dave Killoran
PowerScore Staff
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  • Posts: 5994
  • Joined: Mar 25, 2011
|
#21504
Hey Hoya,

Thanks for posting this! I've fallen a bit behind due to all the essays being posted, but I or another PowerScore staff member will make a comment in the next several days.

Thanks for your patience!
 Nikki Siclunov
PowerScore Staff
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  • Posts: 1362
  • Joined: Aug 02, 2011
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#21566
As I sat through my final Spanish class of the semester, I reflected upon the monumental transformation that I had undergone during my time as a student at the Middlebury Spanish immersion program. Prior to the program, I was a naturally gifted student, yet one with little direction toward fulfilling my scholarly potential. The intensity and demand that was required by the immersion program The intensity and demand that was required by the immersion program metamorphose me into a person who craves challenge and flourishes under pressure. Gaining a deeper understanding of adaptability as it pertains to academics as well as developing into an intellectual during my time studying at Middlebury transformed me into a scholar with a definitive understanding of how to succeed as a lawyer in an increasingly borderless world.
Adaptability was the most important skill that I acquired during my time as a student at Middlebury. The rigor of the work that was required in order to excel sophisticated my approach to mastering difficult material, including that in another language. Inspired by my linguistics class and to further my Spanish acumen, I researched the different Spanish dialects and the evolution of the Spanish language into the present day. This analysis increased my analytical linguistic skills in both Spanish and English, which further stimulated my interest in the analytical nature of the study of law. During weekly conferences, professors would develop spontaneous questions to challenge my understanding of the Spanish language. Reaction, rather than response, was required in order to quickly formulate clear responses. As I gained more exposure to this style of questioning, I became more confident in my ability to think and respond impromptu. My ability to transition comprehensible ideas into logical arguments in a foreign language allows me to be certain in my ability to formulate sensible arguments in ad hoc situations.
The scholastic demand of the Spanish immersion program challenged me to engage the intellectual aspects of mind that I had yet to develop. . For the first time, I learned how to vocalize and defend my convictions in a manor that illustrated my understanding of the complexity of the Spanish language. I learned to support my conclusions using concrete facts and logical analysis in order to debate various ideas with other students. Often times after further reflection, I would revise my argument by adding new evidence in order to redevelop and strengthen my original argument. As I became more confident in my ability to debate, I became increasingly less apprehensive to the idea of having my opinions scrutinized and challenged. Because of that experience, I am now a person who consistently strives to present arguments that contained no logical holes, while simultaneously realizing that every argument can be made stronger with the addition of further evidence.
As the world continues to eliminate borders the importance of being able to both adapt to the ever changing legal environment as well as to have the intellectual ability to execute such tasks becomes all the more important for success in the field of law. The curriculum at Middlebury taught me unique skills that further supplement those that I have acquired from various other academic experiences. I want to study law at the University of Blank because it provides the best combination of professors, students, and resources to help me prosper as a lawyer. At Middlebury, I developed as a student because I took advantage of the opportunities that were at my disposal. I hope the University of Blank will allow me yet another opportunity to further my development.
Hey Hoya,

You are, no doubt, a strong and vivid writer who has written quite a provocative statement. I was particularly impressed with your ability to take full advantage of, and adapt to, the challenges of your Spanish immersion program.

That said, I was not convinced that such a program stimulated your "interest in the analytical nature of the study of law." How did it do that? The link is tenuous at best. I was also not convinced that the program helped you "develop into an intellectual" or transform you into a "scholar with a definitive understanding of how to succeed as a lawyer in an increasingly borderless world." To be honest, this sounds a bit naive, suggesting both a fundamental lack of understanding of what it takes to succeed as a lawyer, and a propensity to use of cliches ("increasingly borderless world"). Consider shifting your focus away from how the program prepared you for the study of law, as I am afraid such an argument comes across as disingenuous.

Language-wise, this is an essay in need of substantial structural revisions. You need to make significant changes in content and flow in order to improve the coherence of your ideas and strengthen the transitions between them. At the sentence level, you need to streamline the logic of your arguments and add details where necessary. At times, this will likely necessitate the manipulation of entire sentences and paragraphs, as well as a more detailed elaboration on what is already there.

You also need to work on your grammar, syntax, sentence structure, and style. There are numerous spelling mistakes that need fixing. As Robert pointed out, your word choices sometimes seem artificial and stilted (e.g., "The intensity and demand that was required by the immersion program metamorphose me into a person who craves challenge and flourishes under pressure").

Check out a number of really awesome resources that we have available that elaborate on the personal statement process and would likely prove useful for you, and anyone else reading this, to consider:

1. A ten-part blog series about all things personal statement.

2. Another blog post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran himself on personal statements.

Good luck!

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