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 Midwest321
  • Posts: 3
  • Joined: Jan 04, 2016
|
#21458
My personal statement is about my personal background and how I grew up exposed to music. I have studied piano, vocal performance, and music theory all my life. I relate the mindset it instilled in me to two experiences in my life where I decided to change my situation for the better: a research position and an internship. I'd really appreciate some feedback! I have read this so many times, I feel I'm becoming too used to it to critique properly!

"I’ve heard on many occasions that people are a product of their environment, and while I tend to agree with this, my personal experiences lead me to believe that this phrase undermines just how actively people play a role in creating their environment as well. In many situations, I have the been able to change my environment for the better, and I have learned to overcome obstacles by asking myself, “How can I improve the situation I am in and how can I improve myself?” In my case, my personal background instilled this mentality in me.
A central factor in what has shaped me as an individual is that many of my family members are skilled musicians, which exposed me to music starting at a young age. In fact, my father is a professional musician, composer, and professor. Naturally, when I became tall enough to reach the pedals on the piano, I began learning how to play. From that time onward, I have studied classical piano, vocal performance, and music theory. After years of musical training, I have come to appreciate the way my experience has taught me to adopt a mindset of persistence. Studying music entails developing memorization skills, language skills, and overcoming performance anxiety- all of which required dedication and determination. Without a doubt, I felt passionate about studying and performing, which was the source of my motivation. Although motivation was important, having a dedicated mindset was the most critical aspect in my studies. Even though I did not pursue a career in music like many of my family members, that environment instilled values in me that have impacted me as an individual, student, and employee.
During my time as a research assistant in the Communication Department at The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I quickly learned that I was the determining factor in how satisfied I was with my job and how much I could contribute to the research project. As a research assistant, I transcribed and coded emergency response team meeting footage, which entailed utilizing and giving my feedback on Elan, a new and underdeveloped software program. When I began working with this software I encountered a myriad of technical issues: the program would crash during every session, the work would rarely be saved, and I became frustrated whenever I used the complicated shortcuts that ironically made the process more lengthy. Instead of admitting defeat or succumbing to frustration, I sought out a way to innovate. I compiled notes on all the technical headaches I experienced, and worked with my research team to test how the software reacted with different computers. Through this process, I was able to come to the conclusion that the software worked best with Dell and Hewlett-Packard computers. After that discovery, many of the technical problems the research team experienced improved significantly. I also compiled all the most useful operation shortcuts, which made transcribing and coding easier for both myself and the other researcher assistants. Through these actions, I changed my environment by finding ways to improve the technology I was using.
During my time as an intern in the Anti-Money Laundering Investigating Unit at First Bank, I experienced an intimidating learning curve. On the first day, my excitement over learning about anti-terrorism laws gradually developed into feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. I had to quickly become acquainted with government anti-terrorism legislature, banking software, and the unit’s complex organization system. Again I thought, “What could I do to make this situation better?” Instead of doing the bare minimum or accepting mediocracy, I asked for help from my colleagues and wrote myself detailed notes, developing the skills I needed more quickly. Although I possessed no control over the difficulty of the work or the complex system, I changed my environment by improving myself.
Throughout my life, I have dedicated myself to studying music, which has impacted how I deal with obstacles in any aspect of my life. Truly, it is empowering to know that I am the architect that shapes both myself and my future. As I stated earlier, every person is shaped by their environment, but understanding how I have been able to change my environment is the key to understanding who I am as a person. If my past is any indication of my future, I can expect many more challenges to come my way, but I can also expect to have the tools and the dedication required to succeed."
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 Dave Killoran
PowerScore Staff
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  • Posts: 5994
  • Joined: Mar 25, 2011
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#21499
Hey Midwest,

Thanks for posting this! I've fallen a bit behind due to all the essays being posted, but I or another PowerScore staff member will make a comment in the next several days.

Thanks for your patience!
 Midwest321
  • Posts: 3
  • Joined: Jan 04, 2016
|
#21507
Hi Dave!

Thanks for letting me! Since then, I've made some changes at the suggestions of others. Here is my updated one:

"On many occasions, I have heard the phrase, “People are a product of their environment.” However, my personal experiences lead me to believe that this phrase undermines just how actively people play a role in creating their environment as well. In many circumstances, I have drastically modified my environment to produce a more desirable result, learning to overcome obstacles by asking myself, “How can I improve the situation I am in and how can I improve myself?” My personal experiences have taught me that confronting challenges pro-actively always provides the best results. This enthusiastic and dedicated mentality will continue to be part of what drives me in achieving my lifelong goals.
During my time as a research assistant in the Communication Department at The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I quickly learned that I was the determining factor in how satisfied I was with my job and how much I could contribute to the research project. As a research assistant, I transcribed and coded emergency response team meeting footage, which depended upon utilizing and giving my feedback on Elan, a new and underdeveloped software program. When I first began working with this software, I encountered a myriad of technical issues: the program would crash during every session, the work would rarely be saved, and I became frustrated whenever I used the complicated shortcuts that ironically made the process more lengthy and tedious. Instead of admitting defeat or succumbing to a defeatist attitude, I sought out a way to innovate. I compiled notes on all the technical headaches I experienced, and worked with my research team to test how the software reacted with different computers. Through this process, I was able to come to the conclusion that the software worked best with Dell and Hewlett-Packard computers. After that discovery, many of the technical problems the research team experienced improved significantly. I also compiled all the most useful operation shortcuts, which made transcribing and coding easier for both myself and the other research assistants. Through these innovative changes, I improved the use of the technology which then benefitted the research itself.
Later, during my time as an intern in the Anti-Money Laundering Investigating Unit at First Bank, I once again experienced an intimidating learning curve. On the first day, my excitement over learning about anti-terrorism laws gradually developed into feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. I immediately had to quickly become acquainted with government anti-terrorism legislature, banking software, and the unit’s complex organization system. Again I thought, “What could I do to make this situation better?” Instead of doing the bare minimum or accepting mediocracy, I asked for help from my colleagues and wrote myself detailed notes, acquiring the skills, knowledge, and experience I needed more quickly. Within a few weeks, my worries about inadequacy were replaced by a calm knowingness and confidence in my capability. Although I possessed no control over the difficulty of the work or the complex system, I changed my environment by quickly conforming to its high standards and expectations.
These are merely two examples of how I have been able to deal with life’s inevitable hurdles. Truly, it is empowering to know that I am the architect that shapes both myself and my future. All of us are shaped by our environment, but understanding how I have been able to change my environment is the key to appreciating who I am as a person. If my past is any indication of my future, I can expect many more challenges to come my way, but I can also expect to succeed because of who I am now and who I intend to become."
 Nikki Siclunov
PowerScore Staff
  • PowerScore Staff
  • Posts: 1362
  • Joined: Aug 02, 2011
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#21530
On many occasions, I have heard the phrase, “People are a product of their environment.” However, my personal experiences lead me to believe that this phrase undermines just how actively people play a role in creating their environment as well. In many circumstances, I have drastically modified my environment to produce a more desirable result, learning to overcome obstacles by asking myself, “How can I improve the situation I am in and how can I improve myself?” My personal experiences have taught me that confronting challenges pro-actively always provides the best results. This enthusiastic and dedicated mentality will continue to be part of what drives me in achieving my lifelong goals.
During my time as a research assistant in the Communication Department at The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I quickly learned that I was the determining factor in how satisfied I was with my job and how much I could contribute to the research project. As a research assistant, I transcribed and coded emergency response team meeting footage, which depended upon utilizing and giving my feedback on Elan, a new and underdeveloped software program. When I first began working with this software, I encountered a myriad of technical issues: the program would crash during every session, the work would rarely be saved, and I became frustrated whenever I used the complicated shortcuts that ironically made the process more lengthy and tedious. Instead of admitting defeat or succumbing to a defeatist attitude, I sought out a way to innovate. I compiled notes on all the technical headaches I experienced, and worked with my research team to test how the software reacted with different computers. Through this process, I was able to come to the conclusion that the software worked best with Dell and Hewlett-Packard computers. After that discovery, many of the technical problems the research team experienced improved significantly. I also compiled all the most useful operation shortcuts, which made transcribing and coding easier for both myself and the other research assistants. Through these innovative changes, I improved the use of the technology which then benefitted the research itself.
Later, during my time as an intern in the Anti-Money Laundering Investigating Unit at First Bank, I once again experienced an intimidating learning curve. On the first day, my excitement over learning about anti-terrorism laws gradually developed into feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. I immediately had to quickly become acquainted with government anti-terrorism legislature, banking software, and the unit’s complex organization system. Again I thought, “What could I do to make this situation better?” Instead of doing the bare minimum or accepting mediocracy, I asked for help from my colleagues and wrote myself detailed notes, acquiring the skills, knowledge, and experience I needed more quickly. Within a few weeks, my worries about inadequacy were replaced by a calm knowingness and confidence in my capability. Although I possessed no control over the difficulty of the work or the complex system, I changed my environment by quickly conforming to its high standards and expectations.
These are merely two examples of how I have been able to deal with life’s inevitable hurdles. Truly, it is empowering to know that I am the architect that shapes both myself and my future. All of us are shaped by our environment, but understanding how I have been able to change my environment is the key to appreciating who I am as a person. If my past is any indication of my future, I can expect many more challenges to come my way, but I can also expect to succeed because of who I am now and who I intend to become.
Hi Midwest321,

Your personal statement is strongest when you discuss the specifics of your tasks and how you handled them: you are clearly a problem-solver who demonstrates perseverance in the face of adversity, which is an admirable attribute (and quite valuable in law school). However, I was unimpressed with the conclusions your examples are meant to illustrate.

To say that you "have drastically modified [your] environment to produce a more desirable result" sounds both underwhelming and strangely robotic. We modify our environments every day - we draw the curtains when it's too sunny outside, jack up the AC when it's too hot, etc. The literal interpretation of what you're saying is something so obvious that it barely registers as praiseworthy. To make matters worse, the examples you provide do not illustrate instances in which you've changed your environment as much as adapted to it. As a research assistant, you developed operational shortcuts and improved how you (and your team) used existing technology. You didn't change the technology as much as found a workaround solution to an ongoing problem. Similarly, as an intern at First Bank, you didn't change your environment; quite on the contrary, you conformed to its high standards and expectations in order to succeed.

Finally, the point that you make about us being both architects and products of our environment is hardly original; it tells me nothing about you, as a person. We all like to believe we are in control of our fate, and simply showing that you've dealt with obstacles at work hardly suffices to show that your belief is justified. The truth is almost invariably more complex than that; to say otherwise makes you look somewhat naive. I don't mean to be harsh, so please don't take any of this personally :-)

If I were you, I would keep both of the examples you mentioned, but draw different conclusions from them. For instance, you can discuss what makes you probe for solutions when others have failed? Do you tend to succeed because you pay attention to detail where others do not, or is it because you have a sense of mission or purpose that propels you to think outside the box? Are you a problem-solver by nature, or is it something you do out of necessity? Etc.

You have the foundation of a strong personal statement, but I do think you need to dig in a little deeper to find what makes the story "tick."

Good luck!
 Midwest321
  • Posts: 3
  • Joined: Jan 04, 2016
|
#21540
Hi Nikki!

Thank you so much for your feedback! I took no personal offense at all, in fact it was just what I was looking for and needing. I knew there was something wrong with the premise of the essay, and your critique made it click in my head why it wasn't flowing!

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