Addendum review

[nateinga]

Thanks for the feedback! (Original post removed)

[Nikki Siclunov]

While a student at Liberty University, during the spring semester of the 1999-2000 school year, I experienced very deep depression – so great that I stopped going to class. In fact, I never attended classes after the first week. I ended up earning an “F” in each class that semester. I became so depressed and apathetic that I didn’t even bother withdrawing from any of my classes.
I’ve long felt passionate about doing something “meaningful” with my life. Due to my very strict conservative Christian upbringing, I felt this meant that I needed to serve God in some way. My goal in high school was to become a civil rights lawyer who would protect and defend the rights of Christians to practice their religion. I believed that Christianity was “under attack,” and I imagined that I would come to the defense of, for example, a child who was punished for praying in school, or some similar unjust scenario.
With this goal in mind, I attended a well-known fundamentalist Christian school – Liberty University. Paradoxically, during my time at Liberty, I gradually began to lose my faith, and with it, the main motivating factor behind not only my educational goals, but even life in general. This was a very difficult time for me, and contributed heavily towards the depression I went through. I no longer felt “God’s calling” on my life since I no longer was even sure he existed, so I completely lost any motivation I had for school.
Although that was a very difficult time in my life, my record since that time speaks for itself. I decided to join the Army during the summer of 2000 – a decision that changed my life. In the Army, I learned not only discipline and responsibility, but I was able to find a new direction and a new ways to meaningfully contribute to the world. My success at the Defense Language Institute – one of the most challenging language schools in the world – as well as my very strong record at USC after my enlistment was over, demonstrates the kind of academic success I am capable of.

An explanation for my desire to change careers:

Since the question will no doubt be raised in your minds, I wanted to briefly explain my seemingly renewed interest in the law. In actuality – my desire to pursue a legal education never went away. I always maintained my strong interest in civil rights law (and subsequent experiences have broadened my interest in the law to other fields as well) but a number of things delayed any opportunities I might have had to continue to pursue those goals.
Most importantly, my original 6 year contract in the Army was extended to 9 years due to the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I was not involuntarily extended – but I would have been had I not re-enlisted.
Secondly, I felt that the damage I had done to my GPA during my early college years prevented me from immediately returning to that career path. I decided to pursue alternate career paths that still utilized my strengths but were more immediately marketable and useful after my undergraduate education was over.
Thirdly, I married a foreign citizen, and I needed a way to support my family during my wife’s transition through the immigration process.

Hey nateinga,

Your addendum is, dare I say, virtually flawless. It's a bit on the longer side, but you are telling your story so well that I didn't feel it was too long at all. It almost has the potential of being a personal statement, which, I am sure, is equally impressive. I really wouldn't change a thing.

Re: changing careers. If you profess a long-standing interest in civil rights law, I would have preferred to see some evidence of that. As it stands now, I need to take it at face value. Also, when you say, "the damage I had done to my GPA during my early college years prevented me from immediately returning to that career path," I wasn't sure what career path you were talking about. If you are talking about civil rights law, that was never a career path you actually pursued, so you cannot return to it. You can say, "...prevented me from immediately applying to law school." Lastly, and this is fairly minor, consider replacing the dashes with commas in the first and second paragraphs.

You did an outstanding job here! Good luck

[nateinga]

Thanks so much for the feedback!