Personal Statement Feedback (:

[sucreroux]

Hey Dave & Staff! Spoke to you on Twitter briefly and here is my personal statement! Thanks so much for all of your help!

“Don’t complain about something you can change.” This saying has inspired me throughout the years to do something more than norm and is the ideology I choose to follow in all aspects of my life. My passion to excel prompted me to become active in as much as I could at an early age including dance, soccer, piano, theatre, cheerleading, basketball and many other short-term hobbies. All of these helped me evolve as a person and brought much joy into my life yet nothing amounted to the pride I felt in holding a leadership position. Leadership became an indispensible part of my life that shaped the person that I have become and am meant to be.
The opportunity to run for my high school’s student council was my first desire to get involved in hope to positively influence my new community. My high school was in its inaugural year with no traditions, new sports teams, and no student leaders. It was understood that the student council leaders would be responsible with the important obligation to be the framers of this developing new school. We would be responsible for the culture and precedent that would be set for the high school’s local reputation and success. As I stated earlier, having nothing established was something that could be changed, and rather than complaining, I aimed to change that. At first, I decided to run as the freshman class representative. I wanted to get my foot in the door as a freshman before moving up. I won this election and served my term to the best of my abilities. We established a spirit week, worked undoubtedly to boost the school spirit for our freshmen sports teams, created our first yearbook, and rooted an annual food-drive for our community. My love of leadership and my passion to be a devoted leader started at this small milestone. The next year, I ran for sophomore class representative and was re-elected. Striving ever to make sure that the traditions that we invoked in our small, new school stuck, we worked even harder the second year. Year by year, our small student council became increasingly passionate about this school and its place in our community along with forging a memorable legacy as founding leaders.
My third year, I ran for Student Council Vice President, alongside a friend that was on student council with me since freshman year. After a long, hard-fought campaign, we won. By this time, our hard work freshman year slowly became annual traditions and the school spirit was at an all time high. The change that I was able to invoke on the young new school brought me unexplainable joy. As I graduated (and won “Most School Spirit”), it became clear to me that the quote that I had been working with really did stand true. I was unhappy with the lack of traditions and spirit, and aimed to change that, which I did.
Freshman year of college, I joined a sorority, [sorority name]. Immediately, I ran for the Executive Committee as House Manager. I was elected and served as the only freshman on an upperclassman committee. Despite my age I had gained the respect and reputation as a thorough leader among a group of nearly three hundred sorority women. I worked hard to make my experience, as well as others in my class, the best that I could make it. Sophomore year, I ran for Director of Social Events and was elected. From event planning for hundreds of people, budgeting thousands of dollars at a time, time management, and the art of coordination, I acquired leadership skills and responsibilities that were indispensible lessons. I acquired skills and held a position of power I never had before, which only increased my desire to be as involved as possible. Junior year, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and was nominated for the position of Vice President. After elected, I was in charge of over 55 girls on the Programs Council that essentially kept the sorority running. Through this, I learned how to delegate, how to run a meeting, time-management, and countless life lessons. After working hard as a leader in my sorority, I came to the realization that being a business major was not something I was truly passionate about. This led me to change my major halfway through my undergraduate career to Political Science, which I felt would better further my ultimate goals and passion for leadership the most. As my major changed, my grades increased, as my love of law emerged.
Lastly, my leadership devotion brought me to my biggest endeavor this past summer as a Legislative Intern in the office of U.S. Senator Tim Scott in Washington, D.C. I spent part of my summer working with constituents and researching various legislations. Seeing the impact that each person has in D.C., whether it was working with the citizens of the state or drafting a new bill, really resonated with me how important one person can be to enact change.
After I receive my esteemed Bachelors Degree from ****** University, I hope to bring my passion, hard work and dedication to rule of Law to **** Law School. I have always had a habit of being a ‘yes-girl’ and love to take on new experiences and leadership opportunities. It is attainable to go to college, go to law school, take all of the necessary classes, and graduate, but it is invaluably rewarding to take on leadership roles during this time. In law school, I plan to stick by the quote that took me through high school and work towards the betterment of the ****** Law School in any and all ways possible.
I consider myself immensely fortunate to not have experienced a worthy hardship to write about to explain why I am a deserving student to attend law school. Instead, I feel privileged to showcase my accomplishments and success with hopes of bring these attributes to a highly respected institution as ***** School of Law. With the fortunate position I am in, I will take advantage of leadership opportunities that are available to me as a successful law student in hopes of bettering not only my life but also the community I am surrounded by. As a South Carolinian, I have done extensive research on the **** School of Law and have admired its Law Program for years as a hopeful prospect. The University has significant programs that caught my immediate interest that I hope to be able to get involved like the Pro Bono Program. I hope to immerse myself in student leadership opportunities. Ultimately, my aspiration is to be considered worthy of representing your law school as a student and privileged enough to receive an education at the *** School of Law.

[Dave Killoran]

Hey Sucreroux,

Thanks for posting this! I've fallen a bit behind due to all the essays being posted, but I or another PowerScore staff member will make a comment in the next several days.

Thanks for your patience!

[Steve Stein]

Hey Dave & Staff! Spoke to you on Twitter briefly and here is my personal statement! Thanks so much for all of your help!

“Don’t complain about something you can change.” This saying has inspired me throughout the years to do something more than norm and is the ideology I choose to follow in all aspects of my life. My passion to excel prompted me to become active in as much as I could at an early age including dance, soccer, piano, theatre, cheerleading, basketball and many other short-term hobbies. All of these helped me evolve as a person and brought much joy into my life yet nothing amounted to the pride I felt in holding a leadership position. Leadership became an indispensible part of my life that shaped the person that I have become and am meant to be.
The opportunity to run for my high school’s student council was my first desire to get involved in hope to positively influence my new community. My high school was in its inaugural year with no traditions, new sports teams, and no student leaders. It was understood that the student council leaders would be responsible with the important obligation to be the framers of this developing new school. We would be responsible for the culture and precedent that would be set for the high school’s local reputation and success. As I stated earlier, having nothing established was something that could be changed, and rather than complaining, I aimed to change that. At first, I decided to run as the freshman class representative. I wanted to get my foot in the door as a freshman before moving up. I won this election and served my term to the best of my abilities. We established a spirit week, worked undoubtedly to boost the school spirit for our freshmen sports teams, created our first yearbook, and rooted an annual food-drive for our community. My love of leadership and my passion to be a devoted leader started at this small milestone. The next year, I ran for sophomore class representative and was re-elected. Striving ever to make sure that the traditions that we invoked in our small, new school stuck, we worked even harder the second year. Year by year, our small student council became increasingly passionate about this school and its place in our community along with forging a memorable legacy as founding leaders.
My third year, I ran for Student Council Vice President, alongside a friend that was on student council with me since freshman year. After a long, hard-fought campaign, we won. By this time, our hard work freshman year slowly became annual traditions and the school spirit was at an all time high. The change that I was able to invoke on the young new school brought me unexplainable joy. As I graduated (and won “Most School Spirit”), it became clear to me that the quote that I had been working with really did stand true. I was unhappy with the lack of traditions and spirit, and aimed to change that, which I did.
Freshman year of college, I joined a sorority, [sorority name]. Immediately, I ran for the Executive Committee as House Manager. I was elected and served as the only freshman on an upperclassman committee. Despite my age I had gained the respect and reputation as a thorough leader among a group of nearly three hundred sorority women. I worked hard to make my experience, as well as others in my class, the best that I could make it. Sophomore year, I ran for Director of Social Events and was elected. From event planning for hundreds of people, budgeting thousands of dollars at a time, time management, and the art of coordination, I acquired leadership skills and responsibilities that were indispensible lessons. I acquired skills and held a position of power I never had before, which only increased my desire to be as involved as possible. Junior year, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and was nominated for the position of Vice President. After elected, I was in charge of over 55 girls on the Programs Council that essentially kept the sorority running. Through this, I learned how to delegate, how to run a meeting, time-management, and countless life lessons. After working hard as a leader in my sorority, I came to the realization that being a business major was not something I was truly passionate about. This led me to change my major halfway through my undergraduate career to Political Science, which I felt would better further my ultimate goals and passion for leadership the most. As my major changed, my grades increased, as my love of law emerged.
Lastly, my leadership devotion brought me to my biggest endeavor this past summer as a Legislative Intern in the office of U.S. Senator Tim Scott in Washington, D.C. I spent part of my summer working with constituents and researching various legislations. Seeing the impact that each person has in D.C., whether it was working with the citizens of the state or drafting a new bill, really resonated with me how important one person can be to enact change.
After I receive my esteemed Bachelors Degree from ****** University, I hope to bring my passion, hard work and dedication to rule of Law to **** Law School. I have always had a habit of being a ‘yes-girl’ and love to take on new experiences and leadership opportunities. It is attainable to go to college, go to law school, take all of the necessary classes, and graduate, but it is invaluably rewarding to take on leadership roles during this time. In law school, I plan to stick by the quote that took me through high school and work towards the betterment of the ****** Law School in any and all ways possible.
I consider myself immensely fortunate to not have experienced a worthy hardship to write about to explain why I am a deserving student to attend law school. Instead, I feel privileged to showcase my accomplishments and success with hopes of bring these attributes to a highly respected institution as ***** School of Law. With the fortunate position I am in, I will take advantage of leadership opportunities that are available to me as a successful law student in hopes of bettering not only my life but also the community I am surrounded by. As a South Carolinian, I have done extensive research on the **** School of Law and have admired its Law Program for years as a hopeful prospect. The University has significant programs that caught my immediate interest that I hope to be able to get involved like the Pro Bono Program. I hope to immerse myself in student leadership opportunities. Ultimately, my aspiration is to be considered worthy of representing your law school as a student and privileged enough to receive an education at the *** School of Law.

Hey Sucreroux,

Thanks for writing in! I enjoyed reading your personal statement. That is quite a long list of leadership positions that you’ve taken on over the years! Leadership ability is certainly a valuable asset, and based on the roles that you have been chosen for/elected to, it seems you are naturally drawn to such positions, and that comes through quite clearly in your personal statement.

You are actually in the enviable position of having too many such offices to discuss! Impressive, to be sure, but there are so many that it seems like they comprise the majority of your essay! I would suggest narrowing that down a bit—it doesn’t have to be a complete and exhaustive list. If you want to refer the early development of your qualities as a leader, you might keep the high school portion of the essay discussion to a paragraph.

Your college leadership positions in college are also impressive; I’d like to know more about what you did with those positions, and how those experiences may have helped form your perspective. Remember, this is your opportunity to let the admissions people get to know you, but in its current form your essay reads a little too much like a resume in prose form. Instead of talking a bit about each office you’ve held or listing the accomplishments associated with each, consider taking one or two experiences that may have taught you valuable lessons about leadership, life, education, etc. Regardless of the particulars, your personal statement should relay ideas like what has brought you down this path, and perhaps how your background and experience make you a good fit for the school, and for the study and practice of law.

As a small aside, I'd leave out the part about your having switched majors, unless it arises somewhat more organically in the context of the essay (if you want the admissions committees to know something more about your grades than is told by your transcript, you might consider adding an addendum).

Before writing your next draft, check out a few great resources that elaborate on the personal statement process and I think you will find useful:

1. A ten-part blog series devoted entirely to the personal statement.

2. Another Blog Post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran on personal statements.

My colleagues may have other thoughts to add, but in the meanwhile I hope this is helpful—please let me know. Thanks!
~Steve

[Nikki Siclunov]

Hi sucreroux,

Let me add my 2c to Steve's excellent advice above.As all good stories go, yours needs a "hook" - something in the beginning to make me interested and keep reading. This could be a conflict that you'll resolve later on, or perhaps a challenge that you faced, or an example of an unusual activity or interest, etc.

Remember: your personal statement is not an opportunity to brag. It's an opportunity to show what makes you "tick", adding some substance to the accomplishments you already have. If you'd like to talk about leadership, that's fine. But I'd want to know what lessons you've learned through these experiences. Has your opinion of what it takes to be a good leader changed over time, and if so, how? How has your leadership style changed? How did your upbringing cultivate and inform the qualities that prompt you to seek such positions? Is the desire for approval important to you? Etc. By addressing questions like that, you'd show capacity for self-reflection and maturity - qualities that are perhaps just as valuable as the capacity to lead.

Best,