Personal Statement Feedback

[roshan07]

Hello! So I've made some serious edits after my first draft (with the help of this forum ) and I think I really like what I have right now. I think this will be very similar to my final draft so I wanted some feedback! I also suck at identifying run-on sentences so please look out for those! Thanks a bunch!

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I parked my car, took a deep breath, and walked through the double-doors of what looked like an old elementary school. In the classroom there was a diverse group of people, both old and young, either giving help or hoping to receive it. I was at the International House in Charlotte, NC, a non-profit organization for those who sought help learning English and preparing for the US Citizenship Examination. I sat down and waited to be assigned a tutee. My name was called and I approached her with a smile on my face, but an inward feeling of a false confidence. I was teaching someone who drove across town and put their utmost faith in me – hoping that I would be a catalyst in a journey toward a new life. It wasn’t that I doubted my abilities, but, coming from a family of immigrants, I saw how my parents sometimes struggled with English when conversing with me. I thought about how my aunts and uncles recently came here from India, how limited their opportunities were due to the language barrier. The implications of learning English are immeasurable, and it was my job to help someone realize their ability to speak it.

Her name was Ana. She was an immigrant in her early forties from Bulgaria, hoping for a better future for her and her daughter. The air between the three of us was tense as Ana’s eyes scanned me from head to toe, probably wondering how someone my age could possibly be responsible for assuming such a daunting task. I cleared my throat, setting the stage for introductions so that we could begin the session. We cracked open the beginner’s English textbook and turned to the first lesson. A picture of a kitchen was on the page, the task being to describe the objects in the picture. As Ana was performing the exercise, I thought, in the back of my mind, the significance of all this. During all my undergraduate years I studied political philosophy, but found it lacking in the way my education could be used to have a tangible impact on others. Yet there I was, using the knowledge I’ve had all my life and making a difference in the life of someone twice my age.

As the weeks went by the tutoring sessions became less awkward, turning into a friendly conversation about what we did the past week or our experiences traveling the world. Ana was learning simply by being immersed in conversation. She showed me the effort she was putting into learning a new language, reading books and having multiple online tutors. She pulled out her phone and showed me her Facebook group, filled with European immigrants working together to improve their English. Although my parents are also immigrants, I never experienced first-hand, the mentality and struggle that went into immigrating to a new country. Tutoring Ana was like time traveling back to when my parents first came to the United States, providing a glimpse of what they had to go through to be where they are today. This experience helped shape how I wanted to utilize my intellectual curiosity. I wanted to study a subject rooted in theory, but can also serve for the basis of meaningful actions. I’ve spent much of my undergraduate career reading the works of various political theorists, but I knew I wanted more out of life than sitting in the armchair of philosophy. After the conversation and jokes we shared throughout the weeks, I saw that I was making a difference, acting as a doer rather than just a thinker.

It was during this summer that I had a taste of the power of direct action within the community. I had a feeling of self-worth that I hadn’t experienced by receiving an A on a paper or answering a question correctly in class. These experiences have helped solidify why I want to become a lawyer. I questioned my philosophical studies, but realized that ideas and actions weren’t in contrast to each other, but ideas were at the root of how we act. We cannot act in line with justice or morality if there is no proper theory of these subjects. Law school represents a synergy of the theoretical and the practical, a place where the contemplation of ideas produces change toward a more just world. I’ve always seen myself as a formulator and an interrogator of ideas, and I see law school as an institution that will provide the education for me to act on these ideas.

[Nikki Siclunov]

I parked my car, took a deep breath, and walked through the double-doors of what looked like an old elementary school. In the classroom there was a diverse group of people, both old and young, either giving help or hoping to receive it. I was at the International House in Charlotte, NC, a non-profit organization for those who sought help learning English and preparing for the US Citizenship Examination. I sat down and waited to be assigned a tutee. My name was called and I approached her with a smile on my face, but an inward feeling of a false confidence. I was teaching someone who drove across town and put their utmost faith in me – hoping that I would be a catalyst in a journey toward a new life. It wasn’t that I doubted my abilities, but, coming from a family of immigrants, I saw how my parents sometimes struggled with English when conversing with me. I thought about how my aunts and uncles recently came here from India, how limited their opportunities were due to the language barrier. The implications of learning English are immeasurable, and it was my job to help someone realize their ability to speak it.

Her name was Ana. She was an immigrant in her early forties from Bulgaria, hoping for a better future for her and her daughter. The air between the three of us was tense as Ana’s eyes scanned me from head to toe, probably wondering how someone my age could possibly be responsible for assuming such a daunting task. I cleared my throat, setting the stage for introductions so that we could begin the session. We cracked open the beginner’s English textbook and turned to the first lesson. A picture of a kitchen was on the page, the task being to describe the objects in the picture. As Ana was performing the exercise, I thought, in the back of my mind, the significance of all this. During all my undergraduate years I studied political philosophy, but found it lacking in the way my education could be used to have a tangible impact on others. Yet there I was, using the knowledge I’ve had all my life and making a difference in the life of someone twice my age.

As the weeks went by the tutoring sessions became less awkward, turning into a friendly conversation about what we did the past week or our experiences traveling the world. Ana was learning simply by being immersed in conversation. She showed me the effort she was putting into learning a new language, reading books and having multiple online tutors. She pulled out her phone and showed me her Facebook group, filled with European immigrants working together to improve their English. Although my parents are also immigrants, I never experienced first-hand, the mentality and struggle that went into immigrating to a new country. Tutoring Ana was like time traveling back to when my parents first came to the United States, providing a glimpse of what they had to go through to be where they are today. This experience helped shape how I wanted to utilize my intellectual curiosity. I wanted to study a subject rooted in theory, but can also serve for the basis of meaningful actions. I’ve spent much of my undergraduate career reading the works of various political theorists, but I knew I wanted more out of life than sitting in the armchair of philosophy. After the conversation and jokes we shared throughout the weeks, I saw that I was making a difference, acting as a doer rather than just a thinker.

It was during this summer that I had a taste of the power of direct action within the community. I had a feeling of self-worth that I hadn’t experienced by receiving an A on a paper or answering a question correctly in class. These experiences have helped solidify why I want to become a lawyer. I questioned my philosophical studies, but realized that ideas and actions weren’t in contrast to each other, but ideas were at the root of how we act. We cannot act in line with justice or morality if there is no proper theory of these subjects. Law school represents a synergy of the theoretical and the practical, a place where the contemplation of ideas produces change toward a more just world. I’ve always seen myself as a formulator and an interrogator of ideas, and I see law school as an institution that will provide the education for me to act on these ideas.

Hey roshan07,

You did a much better job with this draft!

My only criticism has to do with your style, which - in this draft, at least - tends to be overly descriptive, to the point where the story takes over and interferes with your primary objective, which is simply to convince the reader that you deserve an offer of admission Consider shortening the first paragraph and almost deleting the second, which I didn't think added any substantive content.

Check this out:

I parked my car, took a deep breath, and walked through the double-doors of what looked like an old elementary school. In the classroom there was a diverse group of people, both old and young, either giving help or hoping to receive it. I was at the International House in Charlotte, NC, a non-profit organization helping new immigrants learn English and prepare for the US Citizenship Examination. I sat down and waited to be assigned a tutee. Not before long, I was introduced to Ana - a Bulgarian immigrant in her forties, hoping for a better future for her and her daughter. We were at different stations of life, Ana and I, but the obstacles she faced I knew all too well. As a daughter of Indian immigrants myself, I had witnessed first-hand how isolating the language barrier can be, and felt it was my duty to reach out. It may have been too late to help my aunts and uncles speak fluent English, but it wasn't too late to help Ana.

As she started learning basic vocabulary, it dawned on me that while I had studied political philosophy in college, I never realized what a tangible impact my education would have on someone else's life. Yet there I was, using my knowledge and skills to make a difference in the life of someone twice my age.

That's all. I enjoyed reading your statement, and - assuming your numbers are competitive - I'm sure you'll have plenty of offers to choose from in April.

Good luck with your applications!!

(On a side note, as a Bulgarian immigrant myself, I am glad Ana was in such good hands )

[roshan07]

awesome, thank you so much! it's really nice that you all take such a detailed look at everyone's statements!

[Jon Denning]

We're always here to help roshan! Thanks for posting!