Personal Statement Feedback?

[Accountant2016]

Hi! I would really appreciate any feedback on my personal statement. Thanks in advance for your help!


I surveyed the room as sounds of dripping coffee and a dog lightly snoring fueled my uneasiness. Christmas lights adorned various patches of the ceiling, despite it being mid-January, and the courtroom smelled of the remnants of the musty, STATE rain. Here I stood, at eighteen years of age, preparing for my wedding. In the following minutes, the judge recited the vows, we said our “I-do’s,” and the deed was done. I was a teenage bride.

I never imagined that I would be married at eighteen; it was not a component of my meticulously constructed life plan. However, as can happen in life, a singular moment changed the trajectory of my existence. One year earlier, a drunk driver had served as my proverbial mockingbird, thrusting me into the realities of adulthood, by colliding with my vehicle in a nearly-fatal wreck. The wreck resulted in a fractured clavicle and ankle, frequent migraines, months in a wheelchair, and countless sleepless nights pervaded with terror. The authorities informed my family that, had I been sitting several inches to the side, my life would be over. By a miracle, my life was pardoned, and with this miracle birthed a voracious appetite for seizing every opportunity in life. I vowed not to take life for granted or to settle for complacency; life was simply too short.

That vow to myself developed into vows to my husband. Standing in that courtroom, I took my first major leap into the horizon of uncertainty. Many such leaps would follow. After completing my first year of college, I packed up my life and followed my husband to NAME Air Force Base in CITY, STATE. I knew no one, was six hours away from my family, and had to start over at a new university. The move also forced me to live in two separate worlds: military and academia. This odd dichotomy provided me the opportunity to absorb as much of life as possible from not one, but two walks of life. Although difficult to balance at first, I soon learned to take advantage of my situation. In my time in CITY, I was able to fly on a C-130, participate in multiple Wounded Warrior Project fundraisers, join the revived Student Accounting Organization at UNIVERSITY, and serve as a teaching assistant for a new finance professor.

While pursuing my accounting degree in CITY, I knew that I needed to take another leap. My Bachelor’s was a stepping stone to the CPA; I needed my Master’s to complete the bridge. Once again it was time to move, this time to CITY2, STATE2. I began graduate classes the week after completing my undergraduate degree. Life was too short to wait! During graduate school, I stayed constantly engaged on campus, whether it be immersing myself in my studies, assisting the accounting professors, or even participating in intramural sports. One year later, graduate school was over, but my studies were not complete. I spent the summer preparing for the CPA exam and passed three sections within four months.

Refusing to slow down, I completed the final exam in conjunction with the primary stages of post-grad employment. Early in my graduate career, I had accepted a competitive accounting position at an INDUSTRY corporation. The position allowed me to rotate through eight separate accounting departments over a two-year period; essentially, it enabled me to embark on a career of learning. As I currently approach the end of my program, I find myself desiring more: more challenges, more learning, and more chances.

I have a comfortable job, steady income, and a new home. I have achieved academic success and routed a positive career trajectory. However, I know that I am capable of more. As I think back to the vow I made myself six years ago, I can no longer live in complacency and wonder "what if?" Law school is the next leap; after all, life is too short not to try.

[Dave Killoran]

Hi! I would really appreciate any feedback on my personal statement. Thanks in advance for your help!


I surveyed the room as sounds of dripping coffee and a dog lightly snoring fueled my uneasiness. Christmas lights adorned various patches of the ceiling, despite it being mid-January, and the courtroom smelled of the remnants of the musty, STATE rain. Here I stood, at eighteen years of age, preparing for my wedding. In the following minutes, the judge recited the vows, we said our “I-do’s,” and the deed was done. I was a teenage bride.

I never imagined that I would be married at eighteen; it was not a component of my meticulously constructed life plan. However, as can happen in life, a singular moment changed the trajectory of my existence. One year earlier, a drunk driver had served as my proverbial mockingbird, thrusting me into the realities of adulthood, by colliding with my vehicle in a nearly-fatal wreck. The wreck resulted in a fractured clavicle and ankle, frequent migraines, months in a wheelchair, and countless sleepless nights pervaded with terror. The authorities informed my family that, had I been sitting several inches to the side, my life would be over. By a miracle, my life was pardoned, and with this miracle birthed a voracious appetite for seizing every opportunity in life. I vowed not to take life for granted or to settle for complacency; life was simply too short.

That vow to myself developed into vows to my husband. Standing in that courtroom, I took my first major leap into the horizon of uncertainty. Many such leaps would follow. After completing my first year of college, I packed up my life and followed my husband to NAME Air Force Base in CITY, STATE. I knew no one, was six hours away from my family, and had to start over at a new university. The move also forced me to live in two separate worlds: military and academia. This odd dichotomy provided me the opportunity to absorb as much of life as possible from not one, but two walks of life. Although difficult to balance at first, I soon learned to take advantage of my situation. In my time in CITY, I was able to fly on a C-130, participate in multiple Wounded Warrior Project fundraisers, join the revived Student Accounting Organization at UNIVERSITY, and serve as a teaching assistant for a new finance professor.

While pursuing my accounting degree in CITY, I knew that I needed to take another leap. My Bachelor’s was a stepping stone to the CPA; I needed my Master’s to complete the bridge. Once again it was time to move, this time to CITY2, STATE2. I began graduate classes the week after completing my undergraduate degree. Life was too short to wait! During graduate school, I stayed constantly engaged on campus, whether it be immersing myself in my studies, assisting the accounting professors, or even participating in intramural sports. One year later, graduate school was over, but my studies were not complete. I spent the summer preparing for the CPA exam and passed three sections within four months.

Refusing to slow down, I completed the final exam in conjunction with the primary stages of post-grad employment. Early in my graduate career, I had accepted a competitive accounting position at an INDUSTRY corporation. The position allowed me to rotate through eight separate accounting departments over a two-year period; essentially, it enabled me to embark on a career of learning. As I currently approach the end of my program, I find myself desiring more: more challenges, more learning, and more chances.

I have a comfortable job, steady income, and a new home. I have achieved academic success and routed a positive career trajectory. However, I know that I am capable of more. As I think back to the vow I made myself six years ago, I can no longer live in complacency and wonder "what if?" Law school is the next leap; after all, life is too short not to try.

Hi Accountant,

Thanks for posting this! There's good news and then less good news here. The good news is that I really like the first part, and I feel like the first two paragraphs are very interesting, and provide a great platform for us to learn about you. I can also see that you a strong writer, and so your presentation is strong as well. What concerns me is that I feel like the second half doesn't match that early promise, and it also feels rushed, like you are trying to fit all sorts of different ideas and events into the last part.

A second issue I'm having is that your motivation for all these steps seems to come down to wanting to achieve things because there might not be enough time. That makes sense, of course. But, I'm not getting much more than that, and I feel like I want to know more about your thought process here. You've clearly done a lot in a short time, but I'm left wondering about that compulsion. I may not be stating this well, but it feels like you are touching the surface of the emotions that are driving you, and I'd really like to hear more about that aspect of your life. Instead, I feel like a get somewhat of a list of things you've done (see the last sentence of the third paragraph for one example). This is especially apparent at the end when you mention law school. That comes out of the blue, and I don't get a sense of why law school at all.

What I'd do is redraft this, and keep most of the beginning, but then try to stay in that descriptive style you use at the beginning and through the second paragraph. True to give us a lens into who you really are, because I feel like you are more complex than what I'm seeing here.

I hope that helps, and that it wasn't too blunt! I feel like there's great promise here, and I am left wanting more. If you can deliver on that, you will have a really, really good essay. Thanks and good luck!

[Accountant2016]

Dave,

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate your comments and will be redrafting with all of your critique in mind! [Also, your critique was not too blunt by any means- I appreciate the honesty!]

[Accountant2016]

Hello again! Does this draft seem to be headed down a better path? Thanks!



I surveyed the room as sounds of dripping coffee and a dog lightly snoring fueled my uneasiness. Christmas lights adorned various patches of the ceiling, despite it being mid-January, and the courtroom smelled of the remnants of the musty, STATE rain. Here I stood, at eighteen years of age, preparing for my wedding. In the following minutes, the judge recited the vows, we said our “I-do’s,” and the deed was done. I was a teenage bride.

I never imagined that I would be married at eighteen; it was not a component of my meticulously constructed life plan. However, as can happen in life, a singular moment changed the trajectory of my existence. One year earlier, a drunk driver had served as my proverbial mockingbird, thrusting me into the realities of adulthood, by colliding with my vehicle in a nearly-fatal wreck. The wreck resulted in a fractured clavicle and ankle, frequent migraines, weeks confined to a wheelchair, and countless sleepless nights pervaded with terror. The authorities informed my family that, had I been sitting several inches to the side, my life would be over. By a miracle, my life was pardoned, and with this miracle birthed a voracious appetite for seizing every opportunity in life. I vowed not to take life for granted or to settle for complacency; life was simply too short.

Despite my optimism following the wreck, one glaring effect remained: fear. The fear of death evolved into the fear of the circumstantial, which morphed into the fear of the unknown, and so on. Everyday life was plagued by an internal warzone upon which my desire to live and the fear to do so struggled endlessly. The struggle persisted until I discovered a weapon that would end the war: competition.

I possessed a deep tenacity for competition. I vividly remembered the days as a child where my parents refused to concede victories in Candyland and the days as a four-foot-tall teenager where I fought for a starting position on the basketball team. Despite outside rivalry, I was my most consistent competitor. Whether it be aiming for a streak of perfect grades or running a faster mile, I lived for challenges. Awards did not satisfy my thirst for success; I constantly need more. My desire to win rose proportionately with the likelihood of failure. That passion served as the catalyst for the taming of my fear.

Defeating my fear accomplished more than enabling recovery; it also amplified my ambition. I no longer competed simply to win. Rather, I competed to prohibit myself from growing complacent, constantly forcing myself to pursue more in life. This compulsion stemmed from the coupling of my vow of pursuit and the hope generated by moments of fearlessness. I carried this ambition through all aspects of life.

One such aspect was my marriage. Comparatively, the wreck nudged me gently into adulthood; marriage steamrolled over any shrivel of hope of remaining a child. A new barrage of fears came with marriage: the uncertainty of its finality, the responsibility of prioritizing another individual's wellbeing, moving away from my family, and many more. At eighteen, I was not fully equipped to handle this. However, my ambition and passion for life served as powerful tools of endurance. I refused to “lose” in marriage. Each financial struggle and difference of opinion was a challenge to overcome. The beauty of marriage was that I no longer had to do this alone; I had a teammate encouraging and supporting me through life’s competitions.

Six years have passed since the wreck and five since the beginning of my marriage. I am not immune to the fears of uncertainty, and I occasionally struggle with residual battles from my internal war. However, life has gone on; I have not slowed down. I have accomplished much in these years, but I know that more is to come. The moment I stop attacking new goals and settle for complacency is the moment I allow fear to win. True to the vow I made to myself, I will never stop competing.

[Dave Killoran]

Hello again! Does this draft seem to be headed down a better path? Thanks!



I surveyed the room as sounds of dripping coffee and a dog lightly snoring fueled my uneasiness. Christmas lights adorned various patches of the ceiling, despite it being mid-January, and the courtroom smelled of the remnants of the musty, STATE rain. Here I stood, at eighteen years of age, preparing for my wedding. In the following minutes, the judge recited the vows, we said our “I-do’s,” and the deed was done. I was a teenage bride.

I never imagined that I would be married at eighteen; it was not a component of my meticulously constructed life plan. However, as can happen in life, a singular moment changed the trajectory of my existence. One year earlier, a drunk driver had served as my proverbial mockingbird, thrusting me into the realities of adulthood, by colliding with my vehicle in a nearly-fatal wreck. The wreck resulted in a fractured clavicle and ankle, frequent migraines, weeks confined to a wheelchair, and countless sleepless nights pervaded with terror. The authorities informed my family that, had I been sitting several inches to the side, my life would be over. By a miracle, my life was pardoned, and with this miracle birthed a voracious appetite for seizing every opportunity in life. I vowed not to take life for granted or to settle for complacency; life was simply too short.

Despite my optimism following the wreck, one glaring effect remained: fear. The fear of death evolved into the fear of the circumstantial, which morphed into the fear of the unknown, and so on. Everyday life was plagued by an internal warzone upon which my desire to live and the fear to do so struggled endlessly. The struggle persisted until I discovered a weapon that would end the war: competition.

I possessed a deep tenacity for competition. I vividly remembered the days as a child where my parents refused to concede victories in Candyland and the days as a four-foot-tall teenager where I fought for a starting position on the basketball team. Despite outside rivalry, I was my most consistent competitor. Whether it be aiming for a streak of perfect grades or running a faster mile, I lived for challenges. Awards did not satisfy my thirst for success; I constantly need more. My desire to win rose proportionately with the likelihood of failure. That passion served as the catalyst for the taming of my fear.

Defeating my fear accomplished more than enabling recovery; it also amplified my ambition. I no longer competed simply to win. Rather, I competed to prohibit myself from growing complacent, constantly forcing myself to pursue more in life. This compulsion stemmed from the coupling of my vow of pursuit and the hope generated by moments of fearlessness. I carried this ambition through all aspects of life.

One such aspect was my marriage. Comparatively, the wreck nudged me gently into adulthood; marriage steamrolled over any shrivel of hope of remaining a child. A new barrage of fears came with marriage: the uncertainty of its finality, the responsibility of prioritizing another individual's wellbeing, moving away from my family, and many more. At eighteen, I was not fully equipped to handle this. However, my ambition and passion for life served as powerful tools of endurance. I refused to “lose” in marriage. Each financial struggle and difference of opinion was a challenge to overcome. The beauty of marriage was that I no longer had to do this alone; I had a teammate encouraging and supporting me through life’s competitions.

Six years have passed since the wreck and five since the beginning of my marriage. I am not immune to the fears of uncertainty, and I occasionally struggle with residual battles from my internal war. However, life has gone on; I have not slowed down. I have accomplished much in these years, but I know that more is to come. The moment I stop attacking new goals and settle for complacency is the moment I allow fear to win. True to the vow I made to myself, I will never stop competing.

Hi Accountant,

Thanks for posting this! I'll make a few quick comments, some specific, some general:

First paragraph: I'd move this sentence, with some revisions—"Here I stood, at eighteen years of age, preparing for my wedding"—to the front of the essay. That will help give a sense of place to the description that then follows.

Third paragraph and on: I think you need to let this percolate for a few days. It has a hurried feel to it, which isn't surprising since you posted it just a day after my initial comments. I feel like an essay this important needs more time for you to absorb it. You've mixed in some really broad claims and wording, and I feel like this needs more editing

Last paragraph: I'd perhaps expand on the marriage element, because the discussion in the second-to-last paragraph feels suddenly curtailed in the last paragraph. I'm getting that feeling a lot here—it feels hurried to me, and not smooth at all because of that. Can you give it a few days and review it a few more times?

Thanks!

[Accountant2016]

Thanks again! Yes, I will definitely give it a few more days and rounds of editing. Really appreciate the help!