Personal Statement Draft

[ConnerSalter]

This is my first draft of my personal statement. This topic really means a lot to me but I am honestly not sure if i'm on the right track. Any help at all will be greatly appreciated!

December 17, 2014 is a date that will hold a special place in my heart for the rest of my life. Even though I had known for quite some time that this moment was inevitable, it is still hard to put into words what I felt that night. It was on this chilly Georgia evening that my mother lost her five year long battle with brain cancer. It was also on this night that I fully realized how much I had grown as a person since learning of my mother’s condition as a junior in high school. Thankfully, about a year and a half earlier, I had ridden myself of a toxic “me against the world” attitude that I developed the moment my father told me the news. Because of this, on December 17, 2014 I was at peace, more so than I had been in a long time. I had really come a long way.

My high school experience was pretty ordinary. I was a fairly immature teenager with a good group of friends and a stable home life. Even when I found out about my mother’s illness I didn’t really notice the change in my attitude. I was able to see her every day and there wasn’t a noticeable change in her well-being. It wasn’t until I went off to college when this attitude stepped to the forefront and became the driving force behind my behavior. The changes were gradual but much more apparent when I could not see my mother every day. I went from a happy go lucky kid who always had a smile on his face to a bitter, easily angered individual who was mad at the world for the cards he had been dealt.

It was the summer after my second year of college that the revelation hit me like a brick wall. Turing 20 years old that May sparked some serious self-reflection. Something had to change. Instead of being productive and taking steps to facilitate my future, I was too busy shutting people out and feeling sorry for myself. Yes, my mother was not getting any better but it was time for me to essentially grow up and start enjoying life again. I wasn’t a teenager anymore.

The first thing I realized was that I was very lethargic when it came to making my college decision two years prior. I simply didn’t conduct enough research to make sure it would be the best fit for me. This was reflective in my overall experience and for this reason, I decided to transfer from Georgia College to Mercer University which is single handedly the best decision I have ever made in my life. The second thing I came to realize was that I had a lot more to be thankful for than mad about. My position as a 20 year old college student was pretty great in the grand scheme of things. Once I was able to grasp what should have been this obvious fact, I started attacking each and every day differently. I started enjoying the company people again and for the first time in a while, was motivated and excited about the future.

Fast forward to today: It’s been a little over a year since December 17, 2014. It would be a lie to say that I still don’t think about my mother every day. However I am proud to say that when I do, it no longer brings anger to my heart. Rather, it brings me a great sense of peace knowing that I am no longer that immature and unhappy individual that I once was. I am able to go to sleep every night excited for the next day and that is a blessing in itself. When I look back on the time when this wasn’t the case, I can’t help but laugh. As I look towards the future, I can’t help but smile.

[Dave Killoran]

This is my first draft of my personal statement. This topic really means a lot to me but I am honestly not sure if i'm on the right track. Any help at all will be greatly appreciated!

December 17, 2014 is a date that will hold a special place in my heart for the rest of my life. Even though I had known for quite some time that this moment was inevitable, it is still hard to put into words what I felt that night. It was on this chilly Georgia evening that my mother lost her five year long battle with brain cancer. It was also on this night that I fully realized how much I had grown as a person since learning of my mother’s condition as a junior in high school. Thankfully, about a year and a half earlier, I had ridden myself of a toxic “me against the world” attitude that I developed the moment my father told me the news. Because of this, on December 17, 2014 I was at peace, more so than I had been in a long time. I had really come a long way.

My high school experience was pretty ordinary. I was a fairly immature teenager with a good group of friends and a stable home life. Even when I found out about my mother’s illness I didn’t really notice the change in my attitude. I was able to see her every day and there wasn’t a noticeable change in her well-being. It wasn’t until I went off to college when this attitude stepped to the forefront and became the driving force behind my behavior. The changes were gradual but much more apparent when I could not see my mother every day. I went from a happy go lucky kid who always had a smile on his face to a bitter, easily angered individual who was mad at the world for the cards he had been dealt.

It was the summer after my second year of college that the revelation hit me like a brick wall. Turing 20 years old that May sparked some serious self-reflection. Something had to change. Instead of being productive and taking steps to facilitate my future, I was too busy shutting people out and feeling sorry for myself. Yes, my mother was not getting any better but it was time for me to essentially grow up and start enjoying life again. I wasn’t a teenager anymore.

The first thing I realized was that I was very lethargic when it came to making my college decision two years prior. I simply didn’t conduct enough research to make sure it would be the best fit for me. This was reflective in my overall experience and for this reason, I decided to transfer from Georgia College to Mercer University which is single handedly the best decision I have ever made in my life. The second thing I came to realize was that I had a lot more to be thankful for than mad about. My position as a 20 year old college student was pretty great in the grand scheme of things. Once I was able to grasp what should have been this obvious fact, I started attacking each and every day differently. I started enjoying the company people again and for the first time in a while, was motivated and excited about the future.

Fast forward to today: It’s been a little over a year since December 17, 2014. It would be a lie to say that I still don’t think about my mother every day. However I am proud to say that when I do, it no longer brings anger to my heart. Rather, it brings me a great sense of peace knowing that I am no longer that immature and unhappy individual that I once was. I am able to go to sleep every night excited for the next day and that is a blessing in itself. When I look back on the time when this wasn’t the case, I can’t help but laugh. As I look towards the future, I can’t help but smile.

Hi Conner,

Thanks for posting this essay! My feeling here is that this is good, and it can get better. I certainly like the general approach you've taken here, and this topic is one that allows us to see into you as a person, which is key. I am concerned that this might be resonating with me because I lost my mother to a similar situation, so I'm attempting to view what you've written in a non-biased manner, and might not be perfectly achieving that goal. Thus, if I come off as more critical than usual here, please chalk it up to me attempting to avoid bias

The first thing I would do is strike a few of the sentences. For example, I feel like "I had really come a long way" ends up sort of hanging there at the end of the first paragraph.

Second, a fair number of sentences "tell" the reader what happened instead of "showing" the reader what happened, such as: "My high school experience was pretty ordinary." I think your second paragraph would start better as: "I was an immature teenager." And then mentioned a very brief item that reflects that (if, for example, I was writing this, I'd mention that my personal high school vice was road racing on occasion, which I now look back on as profoundly stupid and dangerous). Later in that same paragraph I feel like you back away a bit from discussing your emotions in a direct sense. You talk about gradual changes, but then just tell us what the emotions were, instead of showing us. This will connect more deeply with readers if they can get inside your head a bit, and understand how your anger manifested. That same idea applies elsewhere in this essay (examples: "I had ridden myself of a toxic “me against the world” attitude," and "...which is single handedly the best decision I have ever made in my life," most of the third paragraph, and the last two sentences of the fourth paragraph).

Third, I got worried when I began reading the fourth paragraph that what was about to happen was that you were going to explain your college GPA, and attribute any low grades to the situation discussed in the preceding paragraphs. you didn't do that, and so I feel like there is a choice here: if you did have any GPA problems in your early years (which would be understandable) then this would make a killer GPA addendum, but, alternately, if you didn't have GPA issues, then I'd expand that third paragraph a bit so it doesn't feel like a nodding reference to possible academic difficulties.

Overall, I'm getting a positive, thoughtful vibe from what you've written, and that isn't easy to make happen. So, I'd suggest that you keep working more on this, and try to pour more of your experiences and emotion into the essay. I think it will really help, and make this click even more.

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks!

[ConnerSalter]

Thanks! That really does help a lot. I appreciate it!