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 roshan07
  • Posts: 13
  • Joined: Sep 27, 2015
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#21927
heavily revised from my original draft! I like this one much more, but I'm a little iffy about the paragraph on location. all feedback is welcome! thanks! :-D

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As a student in the Duke-UNC Philosophy, Politics, and Economics program, my professor sparked my interest in the intersection between law and business. I loved theorizing about politics and economics, but the desire to pursue a career with a more tangible impact led me to an interest in law and business. Although my main interest is in the law, I would like to take courses in business to complement my legal education. Duke allows for students to take courses at the Fuqua School of Business without being a JD/MBA candidate, which would afford me the opportunity to learn from two world class institutions. This flexibility makes it so that I can easily tailor my courses in light of my future ambitions.

Moreover, I am seeking an immersive and hands-on legal education. The Start-Up Ventures Clinic achieves this goal by providing students a unique opportunity to gain real world experience by directly advising start-up companies. I believe that Start-ups represent a place where ideas produce innovation, and that I would very much enjoy working in such a setting. The Triangle is also an area ripe for a continuous stream of new companies seeking the counsel of lawyers. The clinic would allow me to expand my real world experience, all while easing the path to serve as an in-house counsel or work for a corporate law firm. I believe that my background in philosophy, political science, and economics would also positively contribute to the interdisciplinary nature of the clinic.

Duke’s location in Durham is another characteristic that is very significant to me. As a North Carolina native, Duke is only three hours from my hometown, and only a fifteen-minute drive down 15-501 from my current university. Although I’m not certain where I would like my education to lead me, returning to my hometown is something I heavily considered. Half of my family lives in North Carolina, and being able to practice in North Carolina is a significant factor in making Duke my top choice. No school has a better reputation in North Carolina than Duke, and this would make it far easier to work in Charlotte or the Triangle.

Furthermore, I find the class size at Duke to be conducive to one-on-one interaction. After having taken smaller undergraduate courses over the summer, I experienced a richer and deeper education. I always strive to gain a deeper understanding by engaging with the professor and working in a small class setting made this much easier to do. The Wintersession at Duke also affords students such an experience. Students are able to learn from lawyers, faculty, and alumni over the winter break when most students are away from campus. This is a unique opportunity, and another reason I would love to attend Duke Law. If accepted, I would be eager to join a class of students who will impact the world not only with brilliants ideas but concrete action.
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 Dave Killoran
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#21951
roshan07 wrote:heavily revised from my original draft! I like this one much more, but I'm a little iffy about the paragraph on location. all feedback is welcome! thanks! :-D

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As a student in the Duke-UNC Philosophy, Politics, and Economics program, my professor sparked my interest in the intersection between law and business. I loved theorizing about politics and economics, but the desire to pursue a career with a more tangible impact led me to an interest in law and business. Although my main interest is in the law, I would like to take courses in business to complement my legal education. Duke allows for students to take courses at the Fuqua School of Business without being a JD/MBA candidate, which would afford me the opportunity to learn from two world class institutions. This flexibility makes it so that I can easily tailor my courses in light of my future ambitions.

Moreover, I am seeking an immersive and hands-on legal education. The Start-Up Ventures Clinic achieves this goal by providing students a unique opportunity to gain real world experience by directly advising start-up companies. I believe that Start-ups represent a place where ideas produce innovation, and that I would very much enjoy working in such a setting. The Triangle is also an area ripe for a continuous stream of new companies seeking the counsel of lawyers. The clinic would allow me to expand my real world experience, all while easing the path to serve as an in-house counsel or work for a corporate law firm. I believe that my background in philosophy, political science, and economics would also positively contribute to the interdisciplinary nature of the clinic.

Duke’s location in Durham is another characteristic that is very significant to me. As a North Carolina native, Duke is only three hours from my hometown, and only a fifteen-minute drive down 15-501 from my current university. Although I’m not certain where I would like my education to lead me, returning to my hometown is something I heavily considered. Half of my family lives in North Carolina, and being able to practice in North Carolina is a significant factor in making Duke my top choice. No school has a better reputation in North Carolina than Duke, and this would make it far easier to work in Charlotte or the Triangle.

Furthermore, I find the class size at Duke to be conducive to one-on-one interaction. After having taken smaller undergraduate courses over the summer, I experienced a richer and deeper education. I always strive to gain a deeper understanding by engaging with the professor and working in a small class setting made this much easier to do. The Wintersession at Duke also affords students such an experience. Students are able to learn from lawyers, faculty, and alumni over the winter break when most students are away from campus. This is a unique opportunity, and another reason I would love to attend Duke Law. If accepted, I would be eager to join a class of students who will impact the world not only with brilliants ideas but concrete action.
Hi Roshan,

My initial impression is that while this is improved, it's still too sterile and lacks a really personal connection. You are again talking about why Duke is a good school, which is a point they already know :-D Plus, sentences like, "Duke’s location in Durham is another characteristic that is very significant to me" aren't allowing you to show your personality—it sounds dry and almost corporate.

I believe that you are going to have to move past a dry recitation of facts about why Duke is good for you, and move to a zone where you make them feel that you really want it. In the final analysis, that's really what they need to see: in any "Why X Law School" essay, they need to feel the love you have for the school. In its current form, I think you'd agree that you haven't reached that point yet. Let's look at some specific examples:

  • " Duke allows for students to take courses at the Fuqua School of Business without being a JD/MBA candidate" — they already know this, and so stating that it exists isn't helping you. You can reference that you intend to take classes at Fuqua, but that's a different presentation than what is said here.

    "This flexibility makes it so that I can easily tailor my courses in light of my future ambitions." — this isn't helping me to get to know you. In that sense, it's a placeholder sentence, and you can't afford placeholders in these essays. Every word has to count!

    "Moreover, I am seeking an immersive and hands-on legal education" — this is a worthy idea, but again this is very dry. There's no feeling here, nor any explanation of why you want this.

    "Duke’s location in Durham is another characteristic that is very significant to me. As a North Carolina native, Duke is only three hours from my hometown, and only a fifteen-minute drive down 15-501 from my current university." — there's good and bad here. the good is that I know see a very personal connection to the university. The bad is that it took three paragraphs to get here :-D Plus, I almost get the feeling that you are avoiding saying you went to Carolina. I wouldn't do that at all. You should feature that point, and directly address the Duke-Carolina relationship. I suggested before mentioning going over to the dark side, and although I don't think you need to go that far, you need to inject more personality into this essay. One avenue for doing that would be to discuss the relationship of your current school and Duke, and also how that plays in your hometown since you are a NC native.
When you get into the fourth paragraph, you return to telling us why Duke the school is a good law school. I'll guarantee you that hundreds of other people are going to take this same approach. In that type of environment, it is difficult to stand out. the story in your third paragraph gets you an angle that has more uniqueness, and so I'd flesh that out, inject some humor and personal anecdotes, and make that the centerpiece of this essay.

Thanks and good luck!
 Nikki Siclunov
PowerScore Staff
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#21953
Hi Roshan,

I'll second Dave's comments. You give a lot of reasons for wanting to attend Duke, but many of them are not unique to you: everyone likes a small class size, immersive and hands-on legal education, and a school with a strong reputation. Your essay is the strongest when you describe what appeals to you personally: for instance, Duke's location only three hours from your hometown is something I can buy as a strong motivator, whereas small class size isn't (most top law schools will have a mixture of small and large classes, so that's hardly unique to Duke).

Likewise, you mention the Start-Up Ventures Clinic, but the reasons for why you want to get involved seem "canned": you believe start-ups represent a place where ideas produce innovation. That's basically the definition of a "start-up," and says nothing about your own interest in it. I'm also unclear as to how a start-up clinic will ease the path to serving as an in-house counsel or working at a law firm. We generally don't associate law firms with producing innovation. Perhaps you're talking about a specific type of firm focusing on IP law or venture capital/private equity? You need to connect the dots for us.

Consider revising the following sentences, all of which contain exaggerations, generalizations, or cliches:
...my professor sparked my interest in the intersection between law and business.
I loved theorizing about politics and economics...
This flexibility makes it so that I can easily tailor my courses in light of my future ambitions.
(which are?)
....continuous stream of new companies seeking the counsel of lawyers.
If accepted, I would be eager to join a class of students who will impact the world not only with brilliants ideas but concrete action.
On a side note, your essay suffers from errors in grammar and style. For instance, you begin two of your paragraphs with some variation of "moreover" or "furthermore." This is repetitive and stylistically improper. Also, the following sentences are not properly constructed:
As a student in the Duke-UNC Philosophy, Politics, and Economics program, my professor sparked my interest in the intersection between law and business.
Your professor isn't the student. You are.
As a North Carolina native, Duke is only three hours from my hometown, and only a fifteen-minute drive down 15-501 from my current university.
Duke is not a North Carolina native. You are.
I always strive to gain a deeper understanding by engaging with the professor and working in a small class setting made this much easier to do.
Run-on sentence.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm attempting to be as direct as possible simply to make your essay as good as it can be! I'd say your essay still needs quite a bit of work, so check out the following resources, some of which could prove useful:

1. A ten-part blog series about all things personal statement.

2. Another blog post about Personal Statements.

3. Some essay examples for potential inspiration.

4. And finally, some advice from Dave Killoran himself on personal statements.


Good luck!
 roshan07
  • Posts: 13
  • Joined: Sep 27, 2015
|
#21955
thanks for the comments! This will be really helpful and I think I see the problem more clearly now! Thanks again! :-D

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