Personal Statement Draft - Help

[smlounsbury]

I'd love any feedback on how to make this more compelling. I'm writing from the perspective of a stay at home mom who finally started college at age 30 so I really do not have a lot of areas to add content. Thank you in advance!

Growing up in a family with a long tradition of housewives and women with no college education, I always assumed that my place was at home, raising children, and tending to domestic responsibilities. As others prepared for admission to college, I was told that this was not a future that my family could afford. I carried this tradition further by having my own family. Along with that tradition, I carried on the tradition of financial struggles and a feeling of being incomplete. At age 30, I knew that at it was time to focus on myself so that I could be a part in rectifying both my dreams and feelings of fulfillment with the ability to ease some of our burdens. With student loans and government grants, I am now just weeks away from completing the first part of my journey.
During the initial pursuit of my undergraduate education, I chose a path that would allow me to obtain a position easily after graduation: accounting. It took one semester to know that my heart was not meant for financial statements. After a brutally honest and emotionally terrifying conversation with my husband, I revealed that I had always wanted to become an attorney. After graduation from a paralegal program at my high school and subsequent work as a legal assistant, I knew that the legal profession was my ultimate goal. Much to my surprised, our conversation made me realize that this dream could be a reality and that although the road would not be easy, that I had his support.
Although most of my adult life has been spent within my home, it has helped to shape the person I am today. Being a parent is a powerful motivator to not only provide for those who cannot provide for themselves, but to continue to strive to make life more fulfilling. I have learned how to manage a home, finances, volunteer work, my education, and their education, and provide emotional support to everyone in my home. I have had the opportunity to participate in a Board of Directors for a local dance studio, as well as perform organizational duties for a Recreation and Parks office. These non-traditional experiences have shaped who I am and what I am capable of handling.
When I enrolled in college, my education was achieved through balancing the needs of my children with hours of studying. Once my children were beginning their own education in the public school system, I found the need to find a way to contribute to society while balancing my own educational pursuits. The most logical volunteer work that I could perform was at our local elementary school. From organizing fundraisers to simply providing clerical support to overworked teachers, I have spent the past three years providing a helping hand.
While volunteering in the school system, I was able to witness the interactions of staff and children, as well as identify weaknesses and areas that needed to be addressed within that elementary school. Children would attend school, but many were only going through the motions of their day-to-day responsibilities. How could I help impact their learning? In November 2015, I attended a Substitute Teacher Orientation and began work as a substitute teacher. In this position, I am given the ability to be a role model and a source of inspiration to children. I have gone from being a presence in the copy room to someone that the children come to when they need to talk about their assignments or when they just need an ear. This leadership role has allowed me to provide encouragement to many children and to hopefully have a long-lasting impact on their own lives.
Although the path to admission to law school may be an untraditional one, I know that the life experiences I have gained by starting at a later age will drive me to work even harder to achieve the goals that I have made for myself. In the process, I know that I have paved the groundwork for my own children to see that not only can they break the cycle of complacency set forth by previous generations, that no challenge is too great to keep them from achieving their dreams.

[Dave Killoran]

I'd love any feedback on how to make this more compelling. I'm writing from the perspective of a stay at home mom who finally started college at age 30 so I really do not have a lot of areas to add content. Thank you in advance!

Growing up in a family with a long tradition of housewives and women with no college education, I always assumed that my place was at home, raising children, and tending to domestic responsibilities. As others prepared for admission to college, I was told that this was not a future that my family could afford. I carried this tradition further by having my own family. Along with that tradition, I carried on the tradition of financial struggles and a feeling of being incomplete. At age 30, I knew that at it was time to focus on myself so that I could be a part in rectifying both my dreams and feelings of fulfillment with the ability to ease some of our burdens. With student loans and government grants, I am now just weeks away from completing the first part of my journey.
During the initial pursuit of my undergraduate education, I chose a path that would allow me to obtain a position easily after graduation: accounting. It took one semester to know that my heart was not meant for financial statements. After a brutally honest and emotionally terrifying conversation with my husband, I revealed that I had always wanted to become an attorney. After graduation from a paralegal program at my high school and subsequent work as a legal assistant, I knew that the legal profession was my ultimate goal. Much to my surprised, our conversation made me realize that this dream could be a reality and that although the road would not be easy, that I had his support.
Although most of my adult life has been spent within my home, it has helped to shape the person I am today. Being a parent is a powerful motivator to not only provide for those who cannot provide for themselves, but to continue to strive to make life more fulfilling. I have learned how to manage a home, finances, volunteer work, my education, and their education, and provide emotional support to everyone in my home. I have had the opportunity to participate in a Board of Directors for a local dance studio, as well as perform organizational duties for a Recreation and Parks office. These non-traditional experiences have shaped who I am and what I am capable of handling.
When I enrolled in college, my education was achieved through balancing the needs of my children with hours of studying. Once my children were beginning their own education in the public school system, I found the need to find a way to contribute to society while balancing my own educational pursuits. The most logical volunteer work that I could perform was at our local elementary school. From organizing fundraisers to simply providing clerical support to overworked teachers, I have spent the past three years providing a helping hand.
While volunteering in the school system, I was able to witness the interactions of staff and children, as well as identify weaknesses and areas that needed to be addressed within that elementary school. Children would attend school, but many were only going through the motions of their day-to-day responsibilities. How could I help impact their learning? In November 2015, I attended a Substitute Teacher Orientation and began work as a substitute teacher. In this position, I am given the ability to be a role model and a source of inspiration to children. I have gone from being a presence in the copy room to someone that the children come to when they need to talk about their assignments or when they just need an ear. This leadership role has allowed me to provide encouragement to many children and to hopefully have a long-lasting impact on their own lives.
Although the path to admission to law school may be an untraditional one, I know that the life experiences I have gained by starting at a later age will drive me to work even harder to achieve the goals that I have made for myself. In the process, I know that I have paved the groundwork for my own children to see that not only can they break the cycle of complacency set forth by previous generations, that no challenge is too great to keep them from achieving their dreams.

Hi S,

Thanks so much for posting your essay! And congrats also on pursuing your dreams and not giving up—I admire that.

I think there's a lot of opportunity in this essay, but that right now there's still work to be done to bring out the richness that I sense is in here. So, the first step is, have you watched the free seminar I did on the personal statement? I'm thinking that you probably haven't, and that if you do, it will really help the way you present a lot of these ideas. You can find that seminar at https://player.vimeo.com/video/94191768. As you watch it, I want you to focus on two areas: my discussion of an action opening, and the discussion of showing, not telling when you are writing. Implementing both of those ideas will immediately improve the impact your essay has and happily require minimal changes in content (as an aside, I think that being a stay-at-home mom is one of the toughest jobs in the world, so there's actually quite a bit to say about it).

After you watch that seminar, you will likely want to make some changes to your current essay. Once you've made those, please post your essay back here, and then I will then go into greater detail and we'll discuss it further.

Please let me know if that works for you. Thanks!

[smlounsbury]

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my first draft. I've been mentally writing and rewriting this personal statement for the better part of the last month, relying on countless websites who may not have given the best guidance. I did review your seminar and although I was left frustrated as to how to make my PS come to life, I believe this rewrite tells a better story.

As others prepared for admission to college, my parents made it clear that this was not a future that my family could afford to provide for me. Growing up in a lower middle class household with a blue-collar father and a mother whose only job was tending to her children, we never experienced the latest and greatest gadgets or wore fancy clothing. We learned to be grateful for simple things like road trips, new coloring books, and time with family. These simple things never included a college education. As an adult, I took my place as a mother whose sole purpose was to raise her children. One day, while watching my youngest daughter work to master her ABC’s, I realized that my days staying home with my children were quickly coming to an end. With the prospect of returning to the workforce in an unfulfilling position, I initiated a conversation with my husband and revealed my seemingly impossible childhood dream of becoming an attorney.

For thirteen years, my responsibilities revolved around the needs of others. From chauffeuring my daughters to dance classes to volunteering as an age coordinator for my son’s soccer league, I worked to ensure that I was giving everything I had to making sure my children had the best life possible. As fulfilling as this was for them, there was always something missing. Being a parent is a powerful motivator to not only provide for those who cannot provide for themselves, but to continue to strive to make life more fulfilling. As my son approached his latter years of elementary school, it was clear that I needed to show my children that I could be more than just their mother. Five years ago, I enrolled into college. My children witnessed late nights of studying, tears, and frustration. At the same time, they witnessed my successes and triumphs. We celebrated small victories and spoke of the importance of the process I was putting myself through to become a better person and to achieve my own goals. My children were able to witness my experiences and watch as I worked to be a better person.

When all of my children were enrolled in school, I took on the role of substitute teacher as a way of being involved in something greater than my college studies. Through this position, I witnessed so many children who were without someone to push them towards a promising future. Too many children were sent to this public school building as a means of childcare, and too little maintained any sense of motivation to actually achieve anything substantial. Knowing the late hours I have experienced, and the impact college studies have had on my adult life, watching these children going through the motions without a desire to chase their dreams became a catalyst for my desire to become a role model to more than just my own children.

Sitting in a cold, loud fifth grade classroom filling in for a well-respected teacher, I found myself thrown into an unexpected role. Hailey, a blue-haired, disrespectful, clearly troubled ten-year-old student, asked me why I cared if she actually completed her assignment and achieved a passing grade. What place did I have making such bold statements and caring about this child? I was neither her mother nor her teacher, nor would her achievements have any impact on my life. Despite her hesitation, I remained unwavering in my stance, knowing the struggles I have endured as an adult pursuing her own education. I shared the details of my own journey through college and the adversity I have faced while working to gain admission to law school. Two weeks after my experience in Hailey’s classroom, she approached me at the beginning of the school day; her face a little less stern, her tone a little more positive. She wanted to let me know that she had scored a perfect score on her last mathematics test; something she had not experienced prior to this year. Her demeanor had changed, and her self-confidence was radiating from her. It was in that moment that I knew that I was moving in the right direction.

Although the path to admission to law school may be untraditional, I know that the life experiences that I have gained by starting my educational pursuit at a later age will drive me to work even harder to achieve the goals that I have made for myself. In the process, I know that I have paved the groundwork for my own children to see that no challenge is too great to keep them from achieving their dreams.

[Dave Killoran]

Hi S,

Ok, that sounds good! I did try to give specific examples in that seminar, but mainly it's way of thinking—telling a story that shows us who you are rather than just telling the reader what to think. As I discuss here (lsat/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=8496), we don't get the opportunity to review multiple drafts, so are you sure this one is ready for review? I ask only because you turned around a new draft really fast (same day), and my usual rule of thumb with essays is that each draft takes at least two days to perfect. If you think this one is final (and I don't know, I haven't read it yet), just let me know and I'll go through it.

Thanks!

[smlounsbury]

I do think the version I posted second is the version I'd like you to review. I've come back to it for several days and I think this might be the best representation of me. There's only one part I'm unsure of, and that is the inclusion of the story of the student at the school. I wanted to relay a personal experience, but it kind of fits in there awkwardly. I cannot figure out how to use that in a more effective manner.

[Dave Killoran]

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my first draft. I've been mentally writing and rewriting this personal statement for the better part of the last month, relying on countless websites who may not have given the best guidance. I did review your seminar and although I was left frustrated as to how to make my PS come to life, I believe this rewrite tells a better story.

As others prepared for admission to college, my parents made it clear that this was not a future that my family could afford to provide for me. Growing up in a lower middle class household with a blue-collar father and a mother whose only job was tending to her children, we never experienced the latest and greatest gadgets or wore fancy clothing. We learned to be grateful for simple things like road trips, new coloring books, and time with family. These simple things never included a college education. As an adult, I took my place as a mother whose sole purpose was to raise her children. One day, while watching my youngest daughter work to master her ABC’s, I realized that my days staying home with my children were quickly coming to an end. With the prospect of returning to the workforce in an unfulfilling position, I initiated a conversation with my husband and revealed my seemingly impossible childhood dream of becoming an attorney.

For thirteen years, my responsibilities revolved around the needs of others. From chauffeuring my daughters to dance classes to volunteering as an age coordinator for my son’s soccer league, I worked to ensure that I was giving everything I had to making sure my children had the best life possible. As fulfilling as this was for them, there was always something missing. Being a parent is a powerful motivator to not only provide for those who cannot provide for themselves, but to continue to strive to make life more fulfilling. As my son approached his latter years of elementary school, it was clear that I needed to show my children that I could be more than just their mother. Five years ago, I enrolled into college. My children witnessed late nights of studying, tears, and frustration. At the same time, they witnessed my successes and triumphs. We celebrated small victories and spoke of the importance of the process I was putting myself through to become a better person and to achieve my own goals. My children were able to witness my experiences and watch as I worked to be a better person.

When all of my children were enrolled in school, I took on the role of substitute teacher as a way of being involved in something greater than my college studies. Through this position, I witnessed so many children who were without someone to push them towards a promising future. Too many children were sent to this public school building as a means of childcare, and too little maintained any sense of motivation to actually achieve anything substantial. Knowing the late hours I have experienced, and the impact college studies have had on my adult life, watching these children going through the motions without a desire to chase their dreams became a catalyst for my desire to become a role model to more than just my own children.

Sitting in a cold, loud fifth grade classroom filling in for a well-respected teacher, I found myself thrown into an unexpected role. Hailey, a blue-haired, disrespectful, clearly troubled ten-year-old student, asked me why I cared if she actually completed her assignment and achieved a passing grade. What place did I have making such bold statements and caring about this child? I was neither her mother nor her teacher, nor would her achievements have any impact on my life. Despite her hesitation, I remained unwavering in my stance, knowing the struggles I have endured as an adult pursuing her own education. I shared the details of my own journey through college and the adversity I have faced while working to gain admission to law school. Two weeks after my experience in Hailey’s classroom, she approached me at the beginning of the school day; her face a little less stern, her tone a little more positive. She wanted to let me know that she had scored a perfect score on her last mathematics test; something she had not experienced prior to this year. Her demeanor had changed, and her self-confidence was radiating from her. It was in that moment that I knew that I was moving in the right direction.

Although the path to admission to law school may be untraditional, I know that the life experiences that I have gained by starting my educational pursuit at a later age will drive me to work even harder to achieve the goals that I have made for myself. In the process, I know that I have paved the groundwork for my own children to see that no challenge is too great to keep them from achieving their dreams.

Hi S,

Ok, here we go! Overall, this is an improvement in many respects over the first draft. We've dropped away some of the clutter and removed a number of the resume elements. You have a good foundation, it just needs some more shaping.

First, I might consider reshaping the opening to be a slightly more action-oriented. I like the sentiment, but perhaps you could place yourself at a table talking to your parents about not being able to go to college, or something similar? There's a way to tell the story of knowing you couldn't go to college that has more story elements to it.

Second, the Hailey anecdote doesn't' work perfectly because the tie-in to your life is weak. The upshot is that you knew you were moving in the right direction, but that's not a strong enough message to make it worth the time spent on it. We need more of an emotional connection here to how your life has progressed and where you see yourself going. Perhaps the way to discover that is to reflect on why you chose this anecdote in the first place—what was it about this story that made you want to include it? If you can find those elements, then you can bring them out here and perhaps we can get more resonance from this.

Last, I think you should return some of the personal connections I saw in the first essay. This version is a bit stripped down, and some of the emotion has been lost. The beauty of this is that with a stripped-down version, we can slowly return each element individually, and make sure that it retains the right impact. For example, I felt this sentence form your original draft told me something unique and interesting about you: "I carried this tradition further by having my own family. Along with that tradition, I carried on the tradition of financial struggles and a feeling of being incomplete." I might reword that a bit, but the idea tells me how you view yourself. In the new version, you jump right into taking care of the kids without a transition phrase like this. Here's an other example of a sentence from the first draft that I liked that's now gone: "After a brutally honest and emotionally terrifying conversation with my husband..." You're showing us vulnerability, and I feel like a lot of that was removed in the second draft. Again, not to worry: you can now add those elements back in.

I don't want you to shy away from discussing where you are in life, or how this has made you feel. Law schools need people from every type of background, and they want to include as many different views as possible. I said before that I think being a mother is one of the toughest jobs in the world, and if you can get across a sense of how fulfilling that was but at the same time left you thinking about missed opportunities, you can make a connection with one or more adcomms. Many of them will be women, and some of them will certainly have kids. They'll understand your message and how this all made you feel. And it only takes one champion on the admissions committee to get an acceptance letter

Please let me know if that helps. Thanks and good luck!