"Why X" Essay Need Critiques

[angie23]

Hi everyone! This is my first why x essay ever so I hope someone can tell me if I am on the right track.


Instructions: We know that you have many options when applying to law school. Tell us why you are interested in the School of Law at the University of California, Irvine. What do you believe we have to offer you? What will you bring to the School of Law? How would your experiences and perspectives enhance and enrich the quality and breadth of our law school community?


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start of essay:

I spent half of my undergraduate studies at UCI and while I have a passion for creating a social change since I was 11, I credit UCI for reinforcing my interest and for beginning that journey for me. During the second quarter of my first year at UCI, I was enrolled in a Gender Studies class. The professor, Dr. Mahmud, was a stern but knowledgeable woman who radiates love for the Gender Studies field. Between analyzing the social construct of gender roles and teaching students how to critique properly, Mahmud would encourage her students to acknowledge our anger against injustice then turn that anger into some sort of productive work. This encouragement prompted many students in her class, including myself, to join a campus protest during that same year and become a vehicle for change.

Since leaving UCI, I have earned a Master's degree in Gender Studies, participated in many activist works, and have published many articles related to woman rights. During my Master's program, I finally realize how I want to service my community, specifically becoming a prosecutor for rape survivors and other victims of crime. Even though many law schools can help me reach that career goal, I believe that UCI is more compatible with the social justice and public service aspect of my future ambitions. According to the law school's website, service is at the center of the school's mission and first year students are required to take the Lawyering Skills course, which will develop client interaction skills. Additionally, the program offers opportunities that cater to my interests, such as the domestic violence clinic, the reproductive justice clinic, and the pro bono program.

Besides benefiting from what the program has to offer, I believe that my academic and professional experience can be a valuable asset to the law program as well. During my Master's program, I defended and published a thesis about the intermingling of the law and rape survivors who are international students. The thesis process developed my ability to analyze and critique legal text and I was able to untangle societal norms from the court cases that may be detrimental to international student survivors. Those valuable skills will carry into my legal studies and will add more enlightening perspectives during class discussions or other academic activities.

Combined with a high bar passage rate and high employment placement for graduates, I believe that the law program's values, opportunities, and excellence in education will best serve my career goals and will give me the opportunity to succeed. Because my first two years of undergraduate studies at UCI was mostly memorable, UCI will always have a special place in my heart and I am eager to go back and start another chapter in my life.

[Adam Tyson]

I think you are off to a good start here, angie! Focusing on your positive experience as an undergrad and tying your interests to the law school's mission statement sends a clear message that you are there with passion for what they have to offer. That's the kind of connection that will tell them that you will be an involved, active, engaged student.

As you go through this draft and start to edit it, beware of simple grammatical errors. For example, you mixed tenses in speaking about Dr. Mahmud (she was a stern but knowledgeable woman who radiates - either she is stern or she radiated). Also, be careful about word choice - I think you meant you want to "serve" your community, not "service" it.

Be sure to end as strong as you started. It's a fairly weak compliment to say that your undergrad years there were "mostly memorable"! See if you can find another way to convey that those were the best, most exciting and fulfilling years of your education to date (if that's true). Tell them how much you are looking forward to rejoining the UCI community. A "special place in your heart" is what you say to the guy that wants to date you that you are putting into the "friend zone" - what you want to convey here is that UCI is more than just special to you, but it's the place where you belong.

This is a great start, and with some polish on the grammar and word choices (get help from a friend whose writing skills you really admire), you should be in good shape.

One last thing to consider - can Dr. Mahmud give you a glowing letter of recommendation? That would be a nice way to further tie in your past with UCI to your intended future there, and to reinforce that you are indeed as passionate and involved as you say. Reach out to her, send her copies of any papers you wrote for her class, offer to take her out to coffee to chat, and see if she might be a good choice for a LOR. If not, you might want to reconsider putting so much emphasis on your experience with her in your essay. It would be terrible if an admissions officer decided to give her a call, only to have her say "who's that?"

Good luck!