Need Feedback on Diversity Statement

[angie23]

Any feedback is appreciated! I am not sure on how to incorporate a disability into a diversity statement due to the presence of stigma in society, but I tried to turn my disability into a strength. Hopefully that was obvious!

Start:
I have a lot in common with BooBoo, a cat at the shelter I volunteer at. While very adorable and well-behaved, BooBoo is distrustful of both humans and other cats. Sometimes the mere presence of other cats causes BooBoo's anxiety to spike.
As a person with post-traumatic stress disorder, being anxious and distrustful about my surroundings is something I have to face and simultaneously challenge. However, unlike the cat, my relationship with post-traumatic disorder also includes trigger symptoms in which my body goes through stages of fright over stimulus or aspects of life that reminds me of the rape trauma and abuse I underwent four years ago. These stimulus can include random comments people make or even moaning sounds, little things that are not dangerous in itself but could subconsciously remind me of my trauma. My hands would become numb and I would have a heighten sense of danger even if in reality there was no danger. Worse, during a trigger episode, the body and the mind are disconnected. No matter how much I tell myself that there is no danger, the body would not obey and would go through a panic mode throughout the day.
Luckily, working with cats not only gives me an outlet to cope, but also a sense of hope. I see cats with trust issues improve over time and I know that given my hard work during therapy sessions, I am improving. While I still have post-traumatic stress disorder, I have improved in my management skills. Last year, I decided to focus my Master's thesis on the topic of international students rape survivors and their relationship with the US legal system. People who knew me well enough asked me whether it was even a good idea. After all, I would be exposed to my own vulnerability throughout the thesis process. They were right, but only to an extent. Even though I did face my own vulnerability, I know how to work around potential trigger stimulus, keeping therapy devices near my desk the whole research period. As my high grades and praises from my adviser can attest, these techniques actually worked. In a couple of months, I would finish and defend my Master's thesis. Knowing that I had overcome many obstacles to get to where I am, I know that my disability is not a barrier to success but a challenge that have build my character and maturity. After four years of living with my disability, I have learned to respond to life's obstacles with determination and flexibility, skills that will become useful when I will tackle future academic goals and dreams.

[Jon Denning]

Start:
I have a lot in common with BooBoo, a cat at the shelter I volunteer at. While very adorable and well-behaved, BooBoo is distrustful of both humans and other cats. Sometimes the mere presence of other cats causes BooBoo's anxiety to spike.
As a person with post-traumatic stress disorder, being anxious and distrustful about my surroundings is something I have to face and simultaneously challenge. However, unlike the cat, my relationship with post-traumatic disorder also includes trigger symptoms in which my body goes through stages of fright over stimulus or aspects of life that reminds me of the rape trauma and abuse I underwent four years ago. These stimulus can include random comments people make or even moaning sounds, little things that are not dangerous in itself but could subconsciously remind me of my trauma. My hands would become numb and I would have a heighten sense of danger even if in reality there was no danger. Worse, during a trigger episode, the body and the mind are disconnected. No matter how much I tell myself that there is no danger, the body would not obey and would go through a panic mode throughout the day.
Luckily, working with cats not only gives me an outlet to cope, but also a sense of hope. I see cats with trust issues improve over time and I know that given my hard work during therapy sessions, I am improving. While I still have post-traumatic stress disorder, I have improved in my management skills. Last year, I decided to focus my Master's thesis on the topic of international students rape survivors and their relationship with the US legal system. People who knew me well enough asked me whether it was even a good idea. After all, I would be exposed to my own vulnerability throughout the thesis process. They were right, but only to an extent. Even though I did face my own vulnerability, I know how to work around potential trigger stimulus, keeping therapy devices near my desk the whole research period. As my high grades and praises from my adviser can attest, these techniques actually worked. In a couple of months, I would finish and defend my Master's thesis. Knowing that I had overcome many obstacles to get to where I am, I know that my disability is not a barrier to success but a challenge that have build my character and maturity. After four years of living with my disability, I have learned to respond to life's obstacles with determination and flexibility, skills that will become useful when I will tackle future academic goals and dreams.

Hey Angie,

Thanks for the message. First, let me express my sympathy for what you went through. I can't imagine what that must have been like, or what after-effects it must have left (although I think you've done an admirable job here of conveying some of that to an admittedly ignorant reader, me).

So I think you're on the right track with this and I totally get what you're trying to do, but rather than go too much line by line at this point let me give you one guiding principle and send you back into the essay with it: consider whether this would send up any red flags for an admissions committee member. That is, imagine you're evaluating a candidate for admission and as part of that decision you're attempting to predict how likely they are to be successful in your law school (stick around the full three years without interruption/issue, reliably attend and participate in classes, submit consistent and quality work for the entirety of their tenure, and graduate and pass the bar). Would the information in this essay, including the fragility you outline and the somewhat unpredictable nature of triggers and their consequences, signal to you an applicant of unique stature and commendable fortitude, one certain to rise to the challenges of law school and succeed, or would this make you somewhat anxious about this candidate's future mental/emotional state (does it instead emphasize what could very well be a long-term hindrance to academic/social accomplishment)?

I ask that rhetorically, of course, but do give it a good, long think as you reread, and rewrite this essay.

Assuming you're not intending this statement to be a poor-performance addendum (and given your mention of good grades it doesn't sound like it), then essentially what you want a diversity statement to accomplish is to highlight what makes you special in an academically or socially desirable way. So make that a point of emphasis on your upcoming drafts, and honestly if you find it impossible to outline how this past abuse has made you more desirable (in the somewhat jaded, overly objective eyes of an admissions committee) then consider not including it at all. Sometimes telling people more isn't the same as telling them something they want to hear.

Also, and certainly less crucially, give this a very thorough proof-read! I noted a number of small, but easily spotted, grammatical mistakes that you want to be sure aren't present in the final draft

I hope that gives you a good framework to revamp this a bit. And sorry if any of my feedback comes off as insensitive—I assure you I'm anything but, however I always try to respond to essays the way I think an adcom might, and that doesn't always make for the most sympathetic commentary