Can anyone help edit my statement of intent please?

[imagineer]

I think/ hope the committee is looking for a well rounded essay. No matter how much they care about test scores and gpa, a great way to understand an applicant is through their essay. I think they are looking for someone who is passionate about what they, can show tangible interest and accomplishments (through their resume) and shows focus throughout their writing (essay). Essentially, I think they would like to see how you apply what you've learned in the class, outside of the class and in the real world. At the end of the day, textbooks and cases are merely for reference. What you do with the knowledge they provide is what makes the difference.

After visiting a top 5 law school and speaking with the dean of admissions, the perspective I got was one of showing that you are capable or surviving in a competitive environment while still bringing your own flavor and interest to the campus. One thing they definitely stressed for school specific essays was speaking to the exact programs and how you could fit those programs. Just as was mentioned in a prior post, they specifically stated that you should not repeat whats on your resume. They are looking for something new thats not already included in your application package, something that, as they said when we applied for undergrad, "pops off the page" and makes your interesting and unique.

This is just my take on the question. Hope to hear what everyone else thinks

[pmills]

Hi Dave, well, I am under the impression that the admissions team is wants to know what motivates me, and if I will cave under stress of the law school and the legal world. They want to see if my character stands out. Most importantly, they want to see if I can argue my own case, and how good my writing skills are. Are these insights correct?

here is the newest draft of my personal statement... keep in mind that I am allowed up to two-three pages if I apply under the discretionary category for my first pick lawschool...

I was raised in a family of seven on the modest income of my mother. We lived in an old trailer outside of the rural northern village of Burns Lake B.C. When I turned five my father showed the first signs of what would become chronic heart disease through a heart attack. Our family dynamic was changed forever. As a result of this illness my father was unable to work for most of my life. This placed my mother into the role of the breadwinner and caretaker. Growing up in the midst of this financial and emotional stress I had to become emotionally mature at a very young age. I quickly learned that it was important to help my family rather than to be a burden. I tried not to complain about the things we did not have. I often felt ashamed bringing people into our home because I was afraid of being labelled as ‘white trash’. At the age of eleven I got my first Job babysitting because I wanted to contribute to my family somehow, even if that simply meant buying my own clothes. I am now thankful that I was forced to face these challenges at a young age because they motivated me to develop a strong work ethic and perseverance that has made me the person I am today. In many ways I was blessed to have my father at home with me as a child. He has been my greatest teacher, and I learned the true value of things that matter most in life from this experience. Even though my father’s heart was not strong, I always thought that I had enough heart for both of us.

At the age of 13 tragedy struck my family again when I lost my oldest sister after she was severely injured in a car accident. After the initial crash she survived for six weeks in a coma but in the end passed away due to severe trauma to her brain and body. Watching my beautiful sister, whom I had been very close with lying unconscious in a hospital bed distorting in pain was a sorrow that words cannot reflect; her face bruised, her head shaved after multiple brain surgeries; bones and teeth broken. She slowly disintegrated before my eyes. I wanted to ease my family’s suffering in any way that I could. I wanted to restore their sense of pride and dignity, but I was shaken to the core by this tragedy.

Without the support of the community of Burns Lake our family never could have survived this tragedy. Fundraiser’s were held and a bank account was opened in our name to ease our financial burden during this time. Community member’s prepared food for us and gave us second hand clothing. Any money left over from the fund after my sister passed away was put into a scholarship as a way to thank the community. Although we could never afford a gravestone for my sister’s final resting place, my mother placed a porcelain angel there as a reminder that my sister’s spirit watches over our family and friends.

In the years to follow this tragedy all of my family members suffered from depression and post traumatic stress. Overcome with grief I developed an eating disorder. At one point a doctor weighed me and monitored my heart. He told me that I would not live to see the next Christmas if I did not force myself to eat. I have since won the battle with my eating disorder though hard work and will power. It took a very long time for me to see myself as beautiful just the way I am, but with the support of my family, friends, and teachers I have learned to view my own worth in a different way.

As my family and I began to pick up the pieces of our lives in the years after the death of my sister I began focusing my attention on school work and extracurricular activities. From grade 8 to 12 I was the top academic student in my class. During these years I found great joy in helping other students and giving back to the community that had helped my family so much during our time of need. Particularly, I enjoyed helping troubled youth to overcome the challenges in their lives as I did at an early age. I coached a junior girls’ basketball team and was able to develop a mentoring relationship with the young women on the team. I became a role model for these youth, some of whom came from backgrounds similar to mine. I still readily offer guidance and advice to these girls when I am asked. I strive to inspire these young women by working hard and fulfilling my potential. When I graduated from high school I received the Governor General’s award for outstanding academic achievement. To me this award symbolized a sense of pride to a young girl who found confidence in academic success, a family who gained dignity in the midst of tragedy, and a community fighting for a brighter future.

Sadly, the summer before I started university two of my friends and fellow graduates were killed in a car accident resulting from drug induced impairment. I was having trouble processing this trauma when I entered UBC’s prestigious Arts One program in 2008. This car accident brought up the trauma of losing my sister again. At the same time my father’s health had started declining even more, and I decided to withdraw from UBC and transfer to UNBC so that I could be closer to the family who needed my help. I was able to accept a full four year tuitional scholarship at UNBC upon enrollment, which also eased my financial burden. In the years since, my father has been diagnosed with diabetes and is now battling cancer.

Upon receiving my degree I decided to go the extra mile to pursue my dream of studying the Canadian Justice system and the law. Currently I work as a Court Clerk and Registry Operator for the Ministry of Justice in isolated Port Hardy B.C. I have been told that Port Hardy deals with one of the highest volumes of files per capita in the province on court days. We often sit until 6 or 7 pm. I relocated here seven months ago by myself for work, having never visited the town, or having set foot in a court house. My interest in the justice system gave me enough motivation to uproot my life in order to gain experience in the legal field. I consider myself very fortunate to be able to receive such a ‘hands on’ experience of the Justice system.

The courthouse where I spend my days is located at the back of an old strip mall next to a recycling depot and fish packaging plant. I work with one other employee, a Justice of the Peace named Verna. Together we locally facilitate court services to the Northern Vancouver Island area. The court conditions are extreme; we work long hours with a high volume of files, a changing judicial rota and crown counsel rota. No court clerk has been willing to fill this position for nine years. My predecessors have refused to handle the extreme workload and stress of the job I have now taken on. Although this job has been challenging, I have found it to be incredibly rewarding. It is astounding to witness the Judiciary use logic and reason to find order in even the most chaotic issues which arise in this community. The Justice System truly does make a difference for the greater good of the Citizens of Canada. In my time as a Court Clerk I have had the privilege of working and learning alongside highly honourable Judiciary and Bar members. This experience has affirmed my passion for Justice and ambition to learn and practice the Law at ____________.

Not very many people have heard my life story. I try my best to live in the present moment, and to prepare for the future. I understand what it feels like to suffer; I know what it is to struggle, and I have a compassionate heart for others who must fight an uphill battle against unlikely odds. When I see a troubled youth convicted of a serious crime in court, I see their struggle because I have lived through a similar struggle. I often relate to the life story I read in their Pre-Sentence Report. Sometimes I wonder how I came to fight for success in the midst of the chaos I grew up in; I think the secret is that despite facing disadvantages I did not give up on myself. I transformed my suffering into a source of power and used it to push myself to do better. Sheer will power has brought me this far. When I look back at the circumstances of my life I don’t remember great hardship. Instead I remember lessons in perseverance and determination. I remember overwhelming support and generosity that my community gave to a grieving child in her time of need. I am thankful that I have felt the clenching jaws of poverty because I learned that ethics and wisdom are invaluable forms of wealth; these treasures can never be taken from us unless we decide to throw them away. I have gained a deeper perspective of life from my experiences, and I hope that one day I can use these life lessons to contribute to the greater good of society as a lawyer. I thank God that I was blessed to live in a country that allows a young woman to have an equal opportunity to a higher education despite a difficult background. I want my life story to inspire others to dig down deep in their belly, through tears and grief, and find the will to do more rather than passively accept the circumstances of their lives.

[Dave Killoran]

I think/ hope the committee is looking for a well rounded essay. No matter how much they care about test scores and gpa, a great way to understand an applicant is through their essay. I think they are looking for someone who is passionate about what they, can show tangible interest and accomplishments (through their resume) and shows focus throughout their writing (essay). Essentially, I think they would like to see how you apply what you've learned in the class, outside of the class and in the real world. At the end of the day, textbooks and cases are merely for reference. What you do with the knowledge they provide is what makes the difference.

After visiting a top 5 law school and speaking with the dean of admissions, the perspective I got was one of showing that you are capable or surviving in a competitive environment while still bringing your own flavor and interest to the campus. One thing they definitely stressed for school specific essays was speaking to the exact programs and how you could fit those programs. Just as was mentioned in a prior post, they specifically stated that you should not repeat whats on your resume. They are looking for something new thats not already included in your application package, something that, as they said when we applied for undergrad, "pops off the page" and makes your interesting and unique.

This is just my take on the question. Hope to hear what everyone else thinks

Hi Dave, well, I am under the impression that the admissions team is wants to know what motivates me, and if I will cave under stress of the law school and the legal world. They want to see if my character stands out. Most importantly, they want to see if I can argue my own case, and how good my writing skills are. Are these insights correct?

Those are both good answers, and they reflect the very professional and well-crafted statements you see on every law school website (that's not a criticism--it just means you've read what they've said and taken it to heart). But, stop for a moment and think about the job of someone on the admissions committee at any law school (and really any school--undergrad, business, medicine, etc). On the surface, their job sounds exciting--Making life changing decisions! The god-like power to admit or deny! Fighting tooth-and-nail for the candidate no one else appreciates! But, what's the truth? Sure, at times it is fun and exciting, but very often, it's a long slog through thousands of pages of detailed material. Every day you read multiple essays and evaluate candidates. After a while, they all start to sound the same (I can attest to this point. I used to do a lot of admissions counseling, and many of the essays traded on similar themes and made the same types of errors--it was amazing to me how similar essays could sound. It's one reason we developed our Admissions Consulting programs).

If the above is the daily reality of the typical adcom member, what do you think stands out to them? Yes, that's right, the essay that entertains them and takes them away from grind. The one that actually makes them stop thinking so much about law school, and instead makes them think that this person is cool and interesting, and would be great fun to sit next to.

Does it hurt if your essay explains why you want to go to law school? No, certainly not, as long as you do that within the context of keeping things interesting. But, you have to keep it interesting, and make the reader want to keep reading even if it wasn't their job to do so (this is why so many of the clear essay flaws involve things that are, sorry, boring: listing your achievements in resume form; simply telling us who you are instead of showing us; reciting all the reasons the law school is good; and so on).

The bottom line is that you have to keep the reader entertained and make an impression. With that last point in mind, I'll pass along a story that I randomly encountered yesterday. It immediately made me think of this discussion.

This is excerpted from http://storylineblog.com/2013/09/23/why ... ember-you/. I'm not familiar with the site other than visiting it this one time, but this is a great story:

• I heard this story about Bill Murray once. Apparently he was alone in an elevator at a hotel when a guy got on and recognized him. The man stood uncomfortably quiet as the elevator made its way down to the lobby. Finally, the man looked over at Bill Murray and said he was a fan and it was a pleasure to meet him. Bill just nodded and smiled and then continued to look forward. The fan looked rather apologetic and when the doors opened in the lobby walked sheepishly out of the elevator. The two of them walked out of the hotel, the fan one way and Bill Murray the other. Then, suddenly, Bill Murray turned and ran toward the man, tackling him into the flower bed. Murray sat up, pointed at the man and said "You will never, ever forget this" and then got up and ran away.

When you read your law school application essay, ask yourself--am I making a real impression, or not? You don't have to figuratively tackle the reader like Bill Murray, but you do need to have them put down your essay and think to themselves, "Man, that was a great story--I wish it wasn't over! I'd love to get to know more about that person." That's the essay that gets people into law schools where their numbers normally wouldn't be sufficient.

Thanks and good luck!

[Dave Killoran]

Hi P,

I'll make a few final comments on this latest draft (see my next post), and then at that point I'll need to sign off from making further comments. In the last 24 hours I've received a slew of private messages from various people that contained their personal statement and a request for detailed commentary, and due to time-constraints I very regrettably cannot provide that service to everyone. So, in the interests of fairness to all, going forward I will not be able to provide detailed commentary on essays posted here or sent directly to me.

If you are a student reading this message and need personal statement assistance, I strongly recommend our Admissions Consulting programs. They provide exactly the same type of commentary I provide here (and, in fact better commentary since they take more time with each essay than I was able to here). We also provide free admissions assistance over in our Free Help Area, just select the Admissions tab.

In late October I will also conduct a free online seminar about writing the personal statement. When that is announced, it will be posted here: http://www.powerscore.com/freeseminars/index.cfm.

Thanks!

[Dave Killoran]

Hi P,

Ok, a few final thoughts on this latest draft. You've clearly made a lot of progress on this, and I'm happy to see you've begun incorporating some of the advice I provided earlier.

One of the things you will have to do as this works towards a final form is tighten up your sentences and punctuation. A few examples:

• "When I turned five my father showed the first signs of what would become chronic heart disease through a heart attack." - "through a heart attack" is an awkward phrasing; I'd reorganize the sentence.
  
  "At the age of eleven I got my first Job babysitting..." - "Job" does not need to be capitalized.
  
  "Fundraiser’s were held..." and "Community member’s prepared food for us and gave us second hand clothing. " - no apostrophes needed. "Second-hand" should have a dash.
  
  "In the years to follow this tragedy all of my family members suffered from depression and post traumatic stress. " - it should be "post-traumatic."

Those are just a few examples, so go through this with a fine-toothed comb, and consider adding in a few more commas, too .

"Even though my father’s heart was not strong, I always thought that I had enough heart for both of us." - I like a lot of things about your first paragraph, but I think this needs to be reworded. It just doesn't come off sounding right, in part because it is so early in the essay that we don't know you yet. Thus, this feels a bit like a false claim. I actually think this would make it sound better, assuming it is true: "Even though my father’s heart was not strong, he always told me that I had enough heart for both of us." That small change makes a big difference in the nature of the claim.

This paragraph isn't adding very much: "Sadly, the summer before I started university two of my friends and fellow graduates were killed in a car accident resulting from drug induced impairment. I was having trouble processing this trauma when I entered UBC’s prestigious Arts One program in 2008. This car accident brought up the trauma of losing my sister again. At the same time my father’s health had started declining even more, and I decided to withdraw from UBC and transfer to UNBC so that I could be closer to the family who needed my help. I was able to accept a full four year tuitional scholarship at UNBC upon enrollment, which also eased my financial burden. In the years since, my father has been diagnosed with diabetes and is now battling cancer. "

There's a clear thread throughout your essay that you've fought hardship and adversity, and overcome it. I think you've successfully established that point prior to this paragraph. Thus, when reading this, it seems to be just a list of more bad things that happened, without any added value from those, other than that you moved. If it is designed to address lower grades or academic issues, I'd still suggest this would be better moved to an addendum that more specifically addressed the issue. If it is just to explain why you moved schools, then there's no doubt it should be in an addendum. You can't use your personal statement to explain everything, and trying to do so will often take away form the main message you are trying to send. And you cannot let that happen

"Upon receiving my degree I decided to go the extra mile to pursue my dream of studying the Canadian Justice system and the law. " - Just an aside but this is the first mention of this "dream." Thus, it seems to come out of the blue a bit.

"It is astounding to witness the Judiciary use logic and reason to find order in even the most chaotic issues which arise in this community." - I might think twice about using this wording. Is it really astounding? Isn't that what everyone pretty much thinks they should do?

"In my time as a Court Clerk I have had the privilege of working and learning alongside highly honourable Judiciary and Bar members." - As I've noted before, this is really a valueless statement. Here's what happens when someone reads a statement like that--they get annoyed. As a reader, I'm spending my valuable time to go through your essay. Make it worth my while (this is also why spelling errors and punctuation problems annoy a reader--it's clear you didn't take time on your end before expecting that we will take time on ours. There's no faster way to get rejected). I've spoken to a number of Deans and Adcom members about essays, and I can tell you that they don't want their time wasted. At all So make every word count, and make sure that every word is pushing your presentation in some way.

The first half of your very last paragraph is very nice--this is where you tie together your own struggles with the struggles you see in the legal system. It feels authentic to me, and that is one of the most important emotions you can convey to a reader.

What I'd really like to see you do is run the whole essay through a rewrite process several more times (yes, it will feel endless). Take time to read the essay aloud, turn phrases over repeatedly, search for the perfect wording. Consider how each idea works together to deliver a whole experience (this area still needs work; you have come a long way, but there is still some distance to go before I'd say this is final). Make sure you use imagery to evoke the right idea instead of just telling us how you feel (that's one area where this has really improved, by the way, but there are a few opportunities to make it even better in this department as well).

Once you think it is final, put it in a corner and don't read it for a week. Then come back to it again, and look to improve it again.

Thanks and good luck!

[pmills]

Thank you so much for giving me your time and attention Dave! I really lucked out when you decided to respond to my posting. Your advice has motivated me to crush this personal statement and make it the best it can be. I am grabbing my magnifying glass and fine toothed comb now

[Dave Killoran]

Just fyi for anyone reading, I will be conducting the free online Personal Statement seminar mentioned earlier in this thread on October 22nd, at 8 PM Eastern. To sign up for this free seminar, please go to http://www.powerscore.com/freeseminars/index.cfm. Everyone is welcome!

I'll talk about a number of issues related to writing the personal statement, including some of the thinking behind the comments I made in this thread. We'll also look at a few examples of what to do, and equally importantly, what not do to